Sunday, April 30, 2006
I Shall Not Be Bothered
I was being really, really stupid last night.
Got all worked up over two idiots who don't seem to care or know (which just might be worse, actually) that they're being selfish by dragging everyone into their problem. Got into a 'fight' of a sort with him, which didn't actually involve us.
What a crazy night. Phone calls were made and received, and text messages were sent back and forth. Accusations, yelling matches, tears of frustration... all in one night. What a drama!
All this over two people with a matter that could have been small, and could have been solved... if only they just talk to each other!
I was thinking before about how I feel the need to do something, anything to help this situation.. I was actually agonising over it, actually losing sleep! But I know what I have to do now.
I shall not be bothered. I won't do anything, but just let those two guys work it out and settle the problem among themselves. It's not my problem, but theirs. I've had it with their silly antics. (Stop dragging everyone into it, and force us to take sides!)
Doing this might lead to two different consequences:
(1) This whole thing will just blow over, and we'll resume 'normal' life again.
(2) Things get worse and more tense, and the group will be split into two sides.
If the first situation happens, I'll be glad. In fact, that's what I'm hoping will happen. But if the second situation happens instead... in which I'm forced to take a side... I'll just step out. I don't care if I lose friends. What's the point of having these so-called friends when they're so willing to tear you apart? I rather be alone.
Let those two fight it out. Just leave the rest of us alone.
Got all worked up over two idiots who don't seem to care or know (which just might be worse, actually) that they're being selfish by dragging everyone into their problem. Got into a 'fight' of a sort with him, which didn't actually involve us.
What a crazy night. Phone calls were made and received, and text messages were sent back and forth. Accusations, yelling matches, tears of frustration... all in one night. What a drama!
All this over two people with a matter that could have been small, and could have been solved... if only they just talk to each other!
I was thinking before about how I feel the need to do something, anything to help this situation.. I was actually agonising over it, actually losing sleep! But I know what I have to do now.
I shall not be bothered. I won't do anything, but just let those two guys work it out and settle the problem among themselves. It's not my problem, but theirs. I've had it with their silly antics. (Stop dragging everyone into it, and force us to take sides!)
Doing this might lead to two different consequences:
(1) This whole thing will just blow over, and we'll resume 'normal' life again.
(2) Things get worse and more tense, and the group will be split into two sides.
If the first situation happens, I'll be glad. In fact, that's what I'm hoping will happen. But if the second situation happens instead... in which I'm forced to take a side... I'll just step out. I don't care if I lose friends. What's the point of having these so-called friends when they're so willing to tear you apart? I rather be alone.
Let those two fight it out. Just leave the rest of us alone.
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:39 PM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Too Spot-On
I am addicted to online tests. Meaningless ones, silly ones, weird ones, useful ones.. I love them all. But I especially love Tickle, because it's not as generic and baseless and stupid as others. And also, they're usually quite spot-on.
I did a test on Tickle today, and when I saw the test result, I froze for a second. The result was so spot-on, so true... it just hit a nerve. It was just a bit too accurate for my liking.
I'm the type of person who knows what problems she has and won't deny having problems... but would not want to do anything about it. I need help, I know. See there? I just admitted that I need help, but I would not actually do anything.
Looking at the result on the computer screen made me feel cold down to my stomach. It feels like even something mechanical and completely emotionless like an online test can strip me down to my core and analyse me, picking and prodding at me like I'm some sort of experiment. I feel sick. And helpless.
And yet I'm addicted to these tests. You don't have to tell me I have a problem. I know.
I did a test on Tickle today, and when I saw the test result, I froze for a second. The result was so spot-on, so true... it just hit a nerve. It was just a bit too accurate for my liking.
I'm the type of person who knows what problems she has and won't deny having problems... but would not want to do anything about it. I need help, I know. See there? I just admitted that I need help, but I would not actually do anything.
Looking at the result on the computer screen made me feel cold down to my stomach. It feels like even something mechanical and completely emotionless like an online test can strip me down to my core and analyse me, picking and prodding at me like I'm some sort of experiment. I feel sick. And helpless.
And yet I'm addicted to these tests. You don't have to tell me I have a problem. I know.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:48 AM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae
Corinne Bailey Rae, picture taken from http://www.corinnebaileyrae.net/I'm just so in love with Corinne Bailey Rae's song, Put Your Records On, these days. Her voice is just so soulful and so alluring... I love it so much.
Put Your Records On
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.
Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.
Oh, don't you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Just more than I could take,
Pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake,
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise,
That you don't even have to try any longer,
Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down. x2
Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:15 PM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I Miss You.
For some reason, I'm plagued by a sudden bout of nostalgia.
Suddenly, I miss Malaysia. But more than that, I miss my friends back there.
I almost wrote 'back home', but I stopped myself. It's not as if Malaysia isn't home anymore, it's just that I'm confused as to where 'home' should be for me now. They say 'home is where the heart is', but my heart isn't just in one place anymore. It's here and there and everywhere.
I left a part of my heart when I left Malaysia, and there it still lies, perhaps waiting for me to claim it back. I took out another part of my heart when I arrived in New Zealand, and put it into a new life and new friends. But there's still another part - a very small part that can't decide where it wants to go, a part that wonders if it will ever decide.
It doesn't help at all that I found out my oldest friend in the world, who knows me the most and understands me the most, is leaving from Malaysia for London next year, months before my next trip back. It just makes me wanna race to the airport and hop on the first flight to Malaysia... Just so I can give her a hug and say goodbye.
I'm starting my bad habit of thinking "what if? what if?" again. What if I had stayed at Malaysia? Would I be having the same friends that I had 4 years ago, the same dreams, same ideals, same life? Would I be the same person I was 4 years ago?
But there's no point thinking about all these, is there? Because I can't turn back the hands of time, and undo everything that's happened. No matter how hard I wish things were different, it wouldn't make a difference, because the past is the past. There's no changing it.
I can think rationally now, but sometimes, I really can't help myself and all these thoughts running through my mind. I know thinking about the past is pointless and useless, but I still do it. I know there's no use being sad for things I can do nothing about, and yet I want to weep. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling all these emotions I'm going through right now.
I miss Malaysia. I miss my friends. I miss my cousins. I miss my old life and past dreams, but most of all, I miss me - the old me.
Suddenly, I miss Malaysia. But more than that, I miss my friends back there.
I almost wrote 'back home', but I stopped myself. It's not as if Malaysia isn't home anymore, it's just that I'm confused as to where 'home' should be for me now. They say 'home is where the heart is', but my heart isn't just in one place anymore. It's here and there and everywhere.
I left a part of my heart when I left Malaysia, and there it still lies, perhaps waiting for me to claim it back. I took out another part of my heart when I arrived in New Zealand, and put it into a new life and new friends. But there's still another part - a very small part that can't decide where it wants to go, a part that wonders if it will ever decide.
It doesn't help at all that I found out my oldest friend in the world, who knows me the most and understands me the most, is leaving from Malaysia for London next year, months before my next trip back. It just makes me wanna race to the airport and hop on the first flight to Malaysia... Just so I can give her a hug and say goodbye.
I'm starting my bad habit of thinking "what if? what if?" again. What if I had stayed at Malaysia? Would I be having the same friends that I had 4 years ago, the same dreams, same ideals, same life? Would I be the same person I was 4 years ago?
But there's no point thinking about all these, is there? Because I can't turn back the hands of time, and undo everything that's happened. No matter how hard I wish things were different, it wouldn't make a difference, because the past is the past. There's no changing it.
I can think rationally now, but sometimes, I really can't help myself and all these thoughts running through my mind. I know thinking about the past is pointless and useless, but I still do it. I know there's no use being sad for things I can do nothing about, and yet I want to weep. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling all these emotions I'm going through right now.
I miss Malaysia. I miss my friends. I miss my cousins. I miss my old life and past dreams, but most of all, I miss me - the old me.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:47 AM
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
Saturday, April 22, 2006
We've All Got Trust Issues
All of us, at some point in life at least, have some trust issues. It just varies from individual to individual in terms of how deep they are. But sometimes, I'm still surprised at how mistrusting people can be, even of their friends.
I know you shouldn't believe everything people say or do, because we're humans, and we can lie with amazing skills. But I tend to have trust in my friends. Until they betrayed that trust, that is.
Recently, I found out that among one of my circles of friends, most of them are wary of each other. It's hard to believe, since they act like they're so close with one another. It makes me worry: Do these people trust me, like they led me to believe? Or is it just one big lie? It makes me think if I should trust them. After all, if they can lie with such convincing skill to people they've known longer than me, who knows what they tell me is ever the truth?
But then I think back to myself: Can I honestly say that I trust them completely? No, I can't. If I said that, I would be voicing these thoughts to them, not on here.
So, I guess we just have to give-and-take. I don't trust you all the time, and you don't trust me all the time. All's fair and square... except that life isn't very satisfying that way, is it?
I know you shouldn't believe everything people say or do, because we're humans, and we can lie with amazing skills. But I tend to have trust in my friends. Until they betrayed that trust, that is.
Recently, I found out that among one of my circles of friends, most of them are wary of each other. It's hard to believe, since they act like they're so close with one another. It makes me worry: Do these people trust me, like they led me to believe? Or is it just one big lie? It makes me think if I should trust them. After all, if they can lie with such convincing skill to people they've known longer than me, who knows what they tell me is ever the truth?
But then I think back to myself: Can I honestly say that I trust them completely? No, I can't. If I said that, I would be voicing these thoughts to them, not on here.
So, I guess we just have to give-and-take. I don't trust you all the time, and you don't trust me all the time. All's fair and square... except that life isn't very satisfying that way, is it?
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:45 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Feeling Up And Down, Plus An "Announcement"
Funny how I can feel kinda happy, and kinda sad (refer to my previous post) at the same time... It's quite a horrible feeling. You feel like you're up in the air, but then you're reminded of something else, and you fall like a pile of rocks. Imagine that happening again and again and again.
Well, on a lighter note, I feel like I have to make an announcement - a happy one. Some people may already know, and some may suspect, and some may be totally clueless. But please let me tell you that no matter what, you guys are important to me. Even if I didn't tell you first thing it happened, that doesn't mean I don't think of you as a friend. Please don't think that, ever. It's just that sometimes, I can be really secretive. I know, I know. Secretive and having a big mouth? Hardly seems likely, does it? But it's true.
Okay, back to my 'announcement'. *Take a deep breath* Here it goes:
I am in a... relationship, if you will call it that. Not sure if I'm using the right 'term'. I have no idea about these kinds of stuff. It's so darn confusing the way people have all sorts of different terms and different definitions. But I digress. He reads this blog, so I'm not gonna mention his name, just in case he's uncomfortable about it. He has a blog, but I'm not gonna give his url either, just in case some people (Hui Ying, I'm talking about you!) decides to stalk him. Only I can stalk him, ok? Haha..
I know, you guys will probably think, "Suet Li? The girl who says she'll never date, the one who always say Who needs guys anyway? and I'm single, and I'm proud!?" Don't ask me why. I don't understand this either. Shit happens? Oh wait... that's not the right thing to say, is it? Haha.. Things happen, then.
Congratulate me. Now. Or I'll break your bones. Haha.. Actually, I'm serious. I will break your bones, or dream of doing that anyway. Otherwise, I'll just think evil thoughts about you, and you'll be plagued by sneezing all day long! Muahahahah!
Well, on a lighter note, I feel like I have to make an announcement - a happy one. Some people may already know, and some may suspect, and some may be totally clueless. But please let me tell you that no matter what, you guys are important to me. Even if I didn't tell you first thing it happened, that doesn't mean I don't think of you as a friend. Please don't think that, ever. It's just that sometimes, I can be really secretive. I know, I know. Secretive and having a big mouth? Hardly seems likely, does it? But it's true.
Okay, back to my 'announcement'. *Take a deep breath* Here it goes:
I am in a... relationship, if you will call it that. Not sure if I'm using the right 'term'. I have no idea about these kinds of stuff. It's so darn confusing the way people have all sorts of different terms and different definitions. But I digress. He reads this blog, so I'm not gonna mention his name, just in case he's uncomfortable about it. He has a blog, but I'm not gonna give his url either, just in case some people (Hui Ying, I'm talking about you!) decides to stalk him. Only I can stalk him, ok? Haha..
I know, you guys will probably think, "Suet Li? The girl who says she'll never date, the one who always say Who needs guys anyway? and I'm single, and I'm proud!?" Don't ask me why. I don't understand this either. Shit happens? Oh wait... that's not the right thing to say, is it? Haha.. Things happen, then.
Congratulate me. Now. Or I'll break your bones. Haha.. Actually, I'm serious. I will break your bones, or dream of doing that anyway. Otherwise, I'll just think evil thoughts about you, and you'll be plagued by sneezing all day long! Muahahahah!
i know that i have loved you ... at 1:27 AM
fate crumbled all around 7 comments
fate crumbled all around 7 comments
Stop Pushing Me Away
Why is it that every time I think I'm getting closer to you, you seem to push me farther and farther away? How can you do that? Make me feel all happy, and let me fall to the ground? That's not fair, not fair at all. I thought you wanted me to be more than a mere friend. Sometimes, I could almost think of you as a brother. Isn't that what you want? Stop pulling me in only to push me away, because that's not okay. That's not okay at all.
Do you resent me? Is that it? Because if that's so, tell me. Even though some things have changed, that doesn't mean I can't still be your friend. I thought you'd be happy for me. But you're not, are you? You think I've betrayed you.
I am still your friend. Inside, I'm still the same girl. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Don't push me away and go to someone else. I'm still here... still waiting for my friend, the one who wanted me for a sister.
Do you resent me? Is that it? Because if that's so, tell me. Even though some things have changed, that doesn't mean I can't still be your friend. I thought you'd be happy for me. But you're not, are you? You think I've betrayed you.
I am still your friend. Inside, I'm still the same girl. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Don't push me away and go to someone else. I'm still here... still waiting for my friend, the one who wanted me for a sister.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1:14 AM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I Want To Start With A Clean Slate
I told myself, sometime last week, that I should quit all the drama in my life by starting with a clean slate. No history to pull me down, memories to drag me back, secrets to screw me up. I really want to start with a clean slate. Honestly I do.
But is forgetting the past the solution? Pretending nothing happened, living up to the saying "ignorance is bliss" - does that work?
I don't understand why I do this all the time. When everything's okay, everything's calm and "normal", I go and dig up things that pain me. Am I some sort of masochistic freak?
I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing... Sure, ignorance can be bliss. But if I were to choose to be aware of the whole, painful truth, or to be in the dark the whole time, stupidly enjoying a faked existence? (Think The Truman Show) I'd choose to know the truth. To be ignorant isn't bliss, it's stupidity.
The truth... it's something that matters a lot to me, although to be honest, I don't practice it that much myself these days. In this world where truth isn't worth a cent, it's hard to be truthful. It's hard to trust people nowadays, and I find myself testing them in various ways. It's a horrible, horrible way to live life - this always testing, never trusting, forever cautious way of living.
It's hard to start with a completely new and clean slate. We can't go back in time and start things anew all over again. Life just doesn't work out that way. I want to be able to forget the past, but I can't. It's simply not that easy for me. I'm sick of people lying to me, and me lying to them. I don't want to have to lie to myself too.
Tell me that I can trust you. Go ahead, tell me. I'll try my best to place my faith in you, but to be absolutely and brutally honest, I will always be cautious. Until you've proved you're trustworthy, I'll remain suspicious and dubious.
But is forgetting the past the solution? Pretending nothing happened, living up to the saying "ignorance is bliss" - does that work?
I don't understand why I do this all the time. When everything's okay, everything's calm and "normal", I go and dig up things that pain me. Am I some sort of masochistic freak?
I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing... Sure, ignorance can be bliss. But if I were to choose to be aware of the whole, painful truth, or to be in the dark the whole time, stupidly enjoying a faked existence? (Think The Truman Show) I'd choose to know the truth. To be ignorant isn't bliss, it's stupidity.
The truth... it's something that matters a lot to me, although to be honest, I don't practice it that much myself these days. In this world where truth isn't worth a cent, it's hard to be truthful. It's hard to trust people nowadays, and I find myself testing them in various ways. It's a horrible, horrible way to live life - this always testing, never trusting, forever cautious way of living.
It's hard to start with a completely new and clean slate. We can't go back in time and start things anew all over again. Life just doesn't work out that way. I want to be able to forget the past, but I can't. It's simply not that easy for me. I'm sick of people lying to me, and me lying to them. I don't want to have to lie to myself too.
Tell me that I can trust you. Go ahead, tell me. I'll try my best to place my faith in you, but to be absolutely and brutally honest, I will always be cautious. Until you've proved you're trustworthy, I'll remain suspicious and dubious.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:31 AM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
I Should Stop Thinking So Much
I don't think I should be allowed to be alone with my thoughts for too long. I should just focus on things like doing my assignments, reading my readings, listening to my lectures and so on. Because I realize something. I always get depressed when I'm alone with my thoughts for too long. I start thinking about stuff and reflecting on my life in general. Things become clearer, and frankly, some things just ain't that great.
I've always known that I'm someone who's desperate to please. I just didn't know I'm still that person. Thinking back, I realized that I was far too willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I thought it was my duty as a friend, to please them and think of their happiness. But then, why didn't I think about me? They never thought of my happiness, never thought of pleasing me. In fact, they even have the guts to tell me to do or don't do something, because they don't want to be affected. How can these people call themselves my friends?
Maybe... maybe they never did.
I was a replacement - was, not am, because the person I 'replaced' is back. I should feel angry, mad, upset... But all I feel is resignation. I knew from the start that I was a mere replacement, nothing more. But like a moth to a flame, I plunged in, hoping that it could be different. The moth never did survive the fire, did it?
I was quite sad, at first. I hate being sad, much more than being angry. Anger is a temporary emotion, strong but fleeting. Sad is a much more permanent emotion. It stays and haunts you day after day, the pain only growing stronger. But then I reminded myself that I have a lot of things to be happy about. I have no reason, nay, no excuse to be sad.
So I shall be cheerful. It's not forced, no. It's just that I've learnt to find happiness when I'm sad. Not everything is worth grieving over. In fact, so many other things are worth celebrating.
I am happy. I shall stop plaguing myself with depressing thoughts, and focus on the happy thoughts. Things are going quite well these days. Not telling the details, but yes, things are going quite well these days. Plus, the mid-semester break is coming up. A break from uni is definitely more than welcomed.
I've always known that I'm someone who's desperate to please. I just didn't know I'm still that person. Thinking back, I realized that I was far too willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I thought it was my duty as a friend, to please them and think of their happiness. But then, why didn't I think about me? They never thought of my happiness, never thought of pleasing me. In fact, they even have the guts to tell me to do or don't do something, because they don't want to be affected. How can these people call themselves my friends?
Maybe... maybe they never did.
I was a replacement - was, not am, because the person I 'replaced' is back. I should feel angry, mad, upset... But all I feel is resignation. I knew from the start that I was a mere replacement, nothing more. But like a moth to a flame, I plunged in, hoping that it could be different. The moth never did survive the fire, did it?
I was quite sad, at first. I hate being sad, much more than being angry. Anger is a temporary emotion, strong but fleeting. Sad is a much more permanent emotion. It stays and haunts you day after day, the pain only growing stronger. But then I reminded myself that I have a lot of things to be happy about. I have no reason, nay, no excuse to be sad.
So I shall be cheerful. It's not forced, no. It's just that I've learnt to find happiness when I'm sad. Not everything is worth grieving over. In fact, so many other things are worth celebrating.
I am happy. I shall stop plaguing myself with depressing thoughts, and focus on the happy thoughts. Things are going quite well these days. Not telling the details, but yes, things are going quite well these days. Plus, the mid-semester break is coming up. A break from uni is definitely more than welcomed.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:29 PM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments