Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I Miss You.
For some reason, I'm plagued by a sudden bout of nostalgia.
Suddenly, I miss Malaysia. But more than that, I miss my friends back there.
I almost wrote 'back home', but I stopped myself. It's not as if Malaysia isn't home anymore, it's just that I'm confused as to where 'home' should be for me now. They say 'home is where the heart is', but my heart isn't just in one place anymore. It's here and there and everywhere.
I left a part of my heart when I left Malaysia, and there it still lies, perhaps waiting for me to claim it back. I took out another part of my heart when I arrived in New Zealand, and put it into a new life and new friends. But there's still another part - a very small part that can't decide where it wants to go, a part that wonders if it will ever decide.
It doesn't help at all that I found out my oldest friend in the world, who knows me the most and understands me the most, is leaving from Malaysia for London next year, months before my next trip back. It just makes me wanna race to the airport and hop on the first flight to Malaysia... Just so I can give her a hug and say goodbye.
I'm starting my bad habit of thinking "what if? what if?" again. What if I had stayed at Malaysia? Would I be having the same friends that I had 4 years ago, the same dreams, same ideals, same life? Would I be the same person I was 4 years ago?
But there's no point thinking about all these, is there? Because I can't turn back the hands of time, and undo everything that's happened. No matter how hard I wish things were different, it wouldn't make a difference, because the past is the past. There's no changing it.
I can think rationally now, but sometimes, I really can't help myself and all these thoughts running through my mind. I know thinking about the past is pointless and useless, but I still do it. I know there's no use being sad for things I can do nothing about, and yet I want to weep. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling all these emotions I'm going through right now.
I miss Malaysia. I miss my friends. I miss my cousins. I miss my old life and past dreams, but most of all, I miss me - the old me.
Suddenly, I miss Malaysia. But more than that, I miss my friends back there.
I almost wrote 'back home', but I stopped myself. It's not as if Malaysia isn't home anymore, it's just that I'm confused as to where 'home' should be for me now. They say 'home is where the heart is', but my heart isn't just in one place anymore. It's here and there and everywhere.
I left a part of my heart when I left Malaysia, and there it still lies, perhaps waiting for me to claim it back. I took out another part of my heart when I arrived in New Zealand, and put it into a new life and new friends. But there's still another part - a very small part that can't decide where it wants to go, a part that wonders if it will ever decide.
It doesn't help at all that I found out my oldest friend in the world, who knows me the most and understands me the most, is leaving from Malaysia for London next year, months before my next trip back. It just makes me wanna race to the airport and hop on the first flight to Malaysia... Just so I can give her a hug and say goodbye.
I'm starting my bad habit of thinking "what if? what if?" again. What if I had stayed at Malaysia? Would I be having the same friends that I had 4 years ago, the same dreams, same ideals, same life? Would I be the same person I was 4 years ago?
But there's no point thinking about all these, is there? Because I can't turn back the hands of time, and undo everything that's happened. No matter how hard I wish things were different, it wouldn't make a difference, because the past is the past. There's no changing it.
I can think rationally now, but sometimes, I really can't help myself and all these thoughts running through my mind. I know thinking about the past is pointless and useless, but I still do it. I know there's no use being sad for things I can do nothing about, and yet I want to weep. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling all these emotions I'm going through right now.
I miss Malaysia. I miss my friends. I miss my cousins. I miss my old life and past dreams, but most of all, I miss me - the old me.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:47 AM
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
fate crumbled all around 3 comments