Tuesday, April 04, 2006
I Should Stop Thinking So Much
I don't think I should be allowed to be alone with my thoughts for too long. I should just focus on things like doing my assignments, reading my readings, listening to my lectures and so on. Because I realize something. I always get depressed when I'm alone with my thoughts for too long. I start thinking about stuff and reflecting on my life in general. Things become clearer, and frankly, some things just ain't that great.
I've always known that I'm someone who's desperate to please. I just didn't know I'm still that person. Thinking back, I realized that I was far too willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I thought it was my duty as a friend, to please them and think of their happiness. But then, why didn't I think about me? They never thought of my happiness, never thought of pleasing me. In fact, they even have the guts to tell me to do or don't do something, because they don't want to be affected. How can these people call themselves my friends?
Maybe... maybe they never did.
I was a replacement - was, not am, because the person I 'replaced' is back. I should feel angry, mad, upset... But all I feel is resignation. I knew from the start that I was a mere replacement, nothing more. But like a moth to a flame, I plunged in, hoping that it could be different. The moth never did survive the fire, did it?
I was quite sad, at first. I hate being sad, much more than being angry. Anger is a temporary emotion, strong but fleeting. Sad is a much more permanent emotion. It stays and haunts you day after day, the pain only growing stronger. But then I reminded myself that I have a lot of things to be happy about. I have no reason, nay, no excuse to be sad.
So I shall be cheerful. It's not forced, no. It's just that I've learnt to find happiness when I'm sad. Not everything is worth grieving over. In fact, so many other things are worth celebrating.
I am happy. I shall stop plaguing myself with depressing thoughts, and focus on the happy thoughts. Things are going quite well these days. Not telling the details, but yes, things are going quite well these days. Plus, the mid-semester break is coming up. A break from uni is definitely more than welcomed.
I've always known that I'm someone who's desperate to please. I just didn't know I'm still that person. Thinking back, I realized that I was far too willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I thought it was my duty as a friend, to please them and think of their happiness. But then, why didn't I think about me? They never thought of my happiness, never thought of pleasing me. In fact, they even have the guts to tell me to do or don't do something, because they don't want to be affected. How can these people call themselves my friends?
Maybe... maybe they never did.
I was a replacement - was, not am, because the person I 'replaced' is back. I should feel angry, mad, upset... But all I feel is resignation. I knew from the start that I was a mere replacement, nothing more. But like a moth to a flame, I plunged in, hoping that it could be different. The moth never did survive the fire, did it?
I was quite sad, at first. I hate being sad, much more than being angry. Anger is a temporary emotion, strong but fleeting. Sad is a much more permanent emotion. It stays and haunts you day after day, the pain only growing stronger. But then I reminded myself that I have a lot of things to be happy about. I have no reason, nay, no excuse to be sad.
So I shall be cheerful. It's not forced, no. It's just that I've learnt to find happiness when I'm sad. Not everything is worth grieving over. In fact, so many other things are worth celebrating.
I am happy. I shall stop plaguing myself with depressing thoughts, and focus on the happy thoughts. Things are going quite well these days. Not telling the details, but yes, things are going quite well these days. Plus, the mid-semester break is coming up. A break from uni is definitely more than welcomed.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:29 PM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments