Sunday, April 09, 2006
I Want To Start With A Clean Slate
I told myself, sometime last week, that I should quit all the drama in my life by starting with a clean slate. No history to pull me down, memories to drag me back, secrets to screw me up. I really want to start with a clean slate. Honestly I do.
But is forgetting the past the solution? Pretending nothing happened, living up to the saying "ignorance is bliss" - does that work?
I don't understand why I do this all the time. When everything's okay, everything's calm and "normal", I go and dig up things that pain me. Am I some sort of masochistic freak?
I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing... Sure, ignorance can be bliss. But if I were to choose to be aware of the whole, painful truth, or to be in the dark the whole time, stupidly enjoying a faked existence? (Think The Truman Show) I'd choose to know the truth. To be ignorant isn't bliss, it's stupidity.
The truth... it's something that matters a lot to me, although to be honest, I don't practice it that much myself these days. In this world where truth isn't worth a cent, it's hard to be truthful. It's hard to trust people nowadays, and I find myself testing them in various ways. It's a horrible, horrible way to live life - this always testing, never trusting, forever cautious way of living.
It's hard to start with a completely new and clean slate. We can't go back in time and start things anew all over again. Life just doesn't work out that way. I want to be able to forget the past, but I can't. It's simply not that easy for me. I'm sick of people lying to me, and me lying to them. I don't want to have to lie to myself too.
Tell me that I can trust you. Go ahead, tell me. I'll try my best to place my faith in you, but to be absolutely and brutally honest, I will always be cautious. Until you've proved you're trustworthy, I'll remain suspicious and dubious.
But is forgetting the past the solution? Pretending nothing happened, living up to the saying "ignorance is bliss" - does that work?
I don't understand why I do this all the time. When everything's okay, everything's calm and "normal", I go and dig up things that pain me. Am I some sort of masochistic freak?
I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing... Sure, ignorance can be bliss. But if I were to choose to be aware of the whole, painful truth, or to be in the dark the whole time, stupidly enjoying a faked existence? (Think The Truman Show) I'd choose to know the truth. To be ignorant isn't bliss, it's stupidity.
The truth... it's something that matters a lot to me, although to be honest, I don't practice it that much myself these days. In this world where truth isn't worth a cent, it's hard to be truthful. It's hard to trust people nowadays, and I find myself testing them in various ways. It's a horrible, horrible way to live life - this always testing, never trusting, forever cautious way of living.
It's hard to start with a completely new and clean slate. We can't go back in time and start things anew all over again. Life just doesn't work out that way. I want to be able to forget the past, but I can't. It's simply not that easy for me. I'm sick of people lying to me, and me lying to them. I don't want to have to lie to myself too.
Tell me that I can trust you. Go ahead, tell me. I'll try my best to place my faith in you, but to be absolutely and brutally honest, I will always be cautious. Until you've proved you're trustworthy, I'll remain suspicious and dubious.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:31 AM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments