Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Chinese New Year Was...
Uneventful, and oddly enough, slightly depressing.
On CNY's eve, my family and I went for a vegetarian banquet dinner with some friends. It was that night I found out my sister's going out with a guy - someone whom I didn't quite like, but had to accept for my sis's sake. I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I didn't like about him. Sometimes, you just dislike someone for no reason, you know? I wondered how long she's been together with him, but I didn't ask my sis. For some reason, I don't really want to know. Funnily enough, my parents knew that they were going out earlier than I did, and I had to ask my sis to confirm. I can't believe I'm that blur. Why am I that clueless when it comes to relationships? I never saw it coming. I honestly thought they were just friends! Stupid.
On CNY's day, I went out for a picnic dinner with Joey and gang at Cornwall Park. While sitting in the car with Simon, and while waiting for pizza with Joey, they grilled me about my story (Simon's words, not mine). Is there any guy you like? Anyone in our group? What about *****? What about ****? So annoying. Okay, I know you guys are a couple, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to date. It's not that important... at least not for me. Sure, I get jealous sometimes, looking at couples. But that's only because I feel out-of-place, not because I actually want a relationship. Getting into a relationship is definitely not a priority on my list. So stop grilling me! It's annoying, and rather depressing.
CNY just isn't fun without your favourite relatives around. I miss my grandma's cooking, my wonderful cousins, and generally, the CNY atmosphere in Malaysia. In fact, CNY this year was rather depressing. My mom and her friends tried to replicate the CNY atmosphere by playing CNY songs. However, I felt really depressed listening to it.. it felt too fake, too forced. I never felt so alone in the company of so many. I felt so antisocial. I didn't even want to go out. All I want to do is stay at home, and wallow in my misery.
I'm so glad CNY is over. I don't think I can take the fake "Happy Chinese New Year!"s, nor the ever-so-boring talks about what people did during CNY. Leave me alone for just a while. I'll recover soon.
On CNY's eve, my family and I went for a vegetarian banquet dinner with some friends. It was that night I found out my sister's going out with a guy - someone whom I didn't quite like, but had to accept for my sis's sake. I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I didn't like about him. Sometimes, you just dislike someone for no reason, you know? I wondered how long she's been together with him, but I didn't ask my sis. For some reason, I don't really want to know. Funnily enough, my parents knew that they were going out earlier than I did, and I had to ask my sis to confirm. I can't believe I'm that blur. Why am I that clueless when it comes to relationships? I never saw it coming. I honestly thought they were just friends! Stupid.
On CNY's day, I went out for a picnic dinner with Joey and gang at Cornwall Park. While sitting in the car with Simon, and while waiting for pizza with Joey, they grilled me about my story (Simon's words, not mine). Is there any guy you like? Anyone in our group? What about *****? What about ****? So annoying. Okay, I know you guys are a couple, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to date. It's not that important... at least not for me. Sure, I get jealous sometimes, looking at couples. But that's only because I feel out-of-place, not because I actually want a relationship. Getting into a relationship is definitely not a priority on my list. So stop grilling me! It's annoying, and rather depressing.
CNY just isn't fun without your favourite relatives around. I miss my grandma's cooking, my wonderful cousins, and generally, the CNY atmosphere in Malaysia. In fact, CNY this year was rather depressing. My mom and her friends tried to replicate the CNY atmosphere by playing CNY songs. However, I felt really depressed listening to it.. it felt too fake, too forced. I never felt so alone in the company of so many. I felt so antisocial. I didn't even want to go out. All I want to do is stay at home, and wallow in my misery.
I'm so glad CNY is over. I don't think I can take the fake "Happy Chinese New Year!"s, nor the ever-so-boring talks about what people did during CNY. Leave me alone for just a while. I'll recover soon.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:37 PM
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Based on the internationally acclaimed novel by Arthur Golden, "Memoirs of a Geisha" is a sweeping romantic epic set in a mysterious and exotic world that still casts a potent spell today. The story begins in the years before WWII when a penniless Japanese child is torn from her family to work as a maid in a geisha house. Despite a treacherous rival who nearly breaks her spirit, the girl blossoms into the legendary geisha Sayuri (Ziyi Zhang). Beautiful and accomplished, Sayuri captivates the most powerful men of her day, but is haunted by her secret love for the one man who is out of her reach (Ken Watanabe). (http://www.nzcinema.co.nz/movies/1283.php)On Tuesday evening, I went and watched Memoirs of A Geisha with a bunch of friends. Despite John, Mashi and Bernard being rather noisy little mice behind me, I enjoyed the movie. Being an adapted film, I was already prepared for a movie that was not up to par with the book. Let's face it... how many book-adapted films have you watched that are as good as the book? I can't think of one. Furthermore, my friend Hui Ying was quite against the movie, and as can be expected, she had read the book. (In fact, she lend me the book once. But I found the book hard to read...) However, I found the movie quite enjoyable, despite the rather anti-climatic ending.
Some people complained: "Why is the movie in English? Shouldn't it be in Japanese seeing as how it's set in Japan?"
The book was written in English by Arthur Golden. What were the director and scriptwriter going to use to base the movie's script on, were it not in English? Yes, by changing the language, the movie would seem more authentic. But the problem is, changing the language often poses a problem.. that is, taking away the essence of the story.
A major problem most people have with Memoirs is the fact that the main actresses are acted by Chinese actresses, instead of Japanese actresses.
I rather enjoy Zhang ZiYi's performance, and I found that she managed to pull off the Japanese accent quite well, although not perfectly. Although Gong Li's Chinese accent was heavy, it is undeniable that her acting far surpasses her ability to adapt a Japanese accent. I found myself wanting to hate Hatsumomo (Gong Li's character), yet empathising with her as well. Michelle Yeoh has a very standard non-accent accent, and it doesn't betray the fact that she's a Malaysian Chinese. Her role as Mameha made me admire her the way Sayuri (Zhang ZiYi) admires her. So what if the actresses aren't Japanese, and do not have Japanese accents? Their performance, not their background, should be more important in terms of evaluating the movie. Ken Watanabe, who most would remember as the noble Katsumoto from The Last Samurai, was perfect as the Chairman. Kind, compassionate, humorous, yet with a hint of sadness.
I was quite disappointed with the ending. I thought it was rather anti-climatic. Too much building up of tension, but with an unresolved ending. I think the movie might have been aiming for a dramatic ending, with its heavy statement, but they just didn't reach it quite right.
In the movie, I felt myself sympathising with Nobu-san (Koji Yakusho), whose feelings for Sayuri are unrequited. "Can't you see that I want you for myself?" I was silently laughing when 'Stottlemeyer' appeared... only Monk fans will understand. Hehe.
My favourite scene would be where the Chairman and Sayuri are standing under a cherry blossom tree, and as the flowers fall, Sayuri laughs. It is the only time I have seen Sayuri really laugh. Her laugh is reserved for the only man she loves, the Chairman, and with others, only a polite smile is offered. It is the only time I see Sayuri's guard down, when usually, she is always thinking of her next step, of what to do... all in order to be a successful geisha.
All in all, it is a beautiful and lush film. Not perfect, but enjoyable enough.
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:33 PM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
Monday, January 23, 2006
I'm So Gonna Complain
I. Am. So. Pissed. Off. Today! ( I think I even said that as I entered class today. Several people turned to stare. Sorry!)
Today, the bus came early 10 minutes, and I was a few steps away from the bus stop. I was about to sigh with relief that I caught the bus, when the damn vehicle drove past me. Argh! I was so freaking angry. Did you not see me running towards the bus stop? Stupid bus driver.
Ok, so maybe the driver didn't see me. That's understandable. We all make mistakes, after all. But what I'm so mad about is the fact that the bus is hardly ever punctual. Sometimes it comes early, sometimes it comes late. Make up your freaking mind, damn it!
Okay, cool down, Suet Li. Breathe.
I wouldn't be angry if the bus came early than scheduled every day.. that way, I know what time to be at the bus stop. The problem is, it fluctuates between 10-15 minutes early, to 10-20 minutes late, to not showing up at all.
Usually, I make sure I reach the bus stop at least 15 minutes earlier than the bus was scheduled to arrive. However, this morning, I overslept. However, I was still in time to be at the bus stop 10 minutes before it's supposed to arrive. In fact, it was only 8.50am when the bus drove past me - the bus was supposed to come at 9am.
I think that's totally unfair. Seeing as how there's only a bus passing by the route I take every 30 minutes or at certain times, every 1 hour... shouldn't the bus service be punctual? I wouldn't mind if the next bus is a mere 15 minutes away.. but 30 minutes? Or worse still, 1 hour?
Luckily, there was another bus stop about 10 minutes' walk away. However, the bus I take don't pass by there. The buses that passes by at the other bus stop take a longer route and usually take a longer time to arrive. Fortunately, school hasn't start yet, and not many uni students are doing summer school... so the bus wasn't full, and therefore, I arrived just in time for class.
Still, I wouldn't be so pissed if the bus fare is cheap... but no, the fare is freaking expensive! In fact, within the last year, they even increased the fare twice! Not once, but twice! Honestly, how can they even have the audacity to increase the bus fare when: a) bus service is not punctual; b) there is no increase in bus services; c) the 'new' website is stinking lousy - the old one was much more informative and helpful; and d) the public supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes last year, despite the inconvenience caused. Seriously. I mean, so many people supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes, causing inconvenience everywhere. And instead of gratitude, we get bitten in the rear! Thank. Thanks a lot.
I am so gonna complain to Stagecoach - the bus company's name. All I'm asking for is punctual bus services. Luckily for other people, not all Stagecoach services are this lousy. The 113/115 bus route is gonna be mentioned and flamed in my complaint, that's for sure!
p/s: regarding yesterday's post.. I decided not to give up on the storyline... I've been wrecking my brain last night trying to recall my lost plan. So I have to add up bits here and there. I've invested too much to just give it all up.
Today, the bus came early 10 minutes, and I was a few steps away from the bus stop. I was about to sigh with relief that I caught the bus, when the damn vehicle drove past me. Argh! I was so freaking angry. Did you not see me running towards the bus stop? Stupid bus driver.
Ok, so maybe the driver didn't see me. That's understandable. We all make mistakes, after all. But what I'm so mad about is the fact that the bus is hardly ever punctual. Sometimes it comes early, sometimes it comes late. Make up your freaking mind, damn it!
Okay, cool down, Suet Li. Breathe.
I wouldn't be angry if the bus came early than scheduled every day.. that way, I know what time to be at the bus stop. The problem is, it fluctuates between 10-15 minutes early, to 10-20 minutes late, to not showing up at all.
Usually, I make sure I reach the bus stop at least 15 minutes earlier than the bus was scheduled to arrive. However, this morning, I overslept. However, I was still in time to be at the bus stop 10 minutes before it's supposed to arrive. In fact, it was only 8.50am when the bus drove past me - the bus was supposed to come at 9am.
I think that's totally unfair. Seeing as how there's only a bus passing by the route I take every 30 minutes or at certain times, every 1 hour... shouldn't the bus service be punctual? I wouldn't mind if the next bus is a mere 15 minutes away.. but 30 minutes? Or worse still, 1 hour?
Luckily, there was another bus stop about 10 minutes' walk away. However, the bus I take don't pass by there. The buses that passes by at the other bus stop take a longer route and usually take a longer time to arrive. Fortunately, school hasn't start yet, and not many uni students are doing summer school... so the bus wasn't full, and therefore, I arrived just in time for class.
Still, I wouldn't be so pissed if the bus fare is cheap... but no, the fare is freaking expensive! In fact, within the last year, they even increased the fare twice! Not once, but twice! Honestly, how can they even have the audacity to increase the bus fare when: a) bus service is not punctual; b) there is no increase in bus services; c) the 'new' website is stinking lousy - the old one was much more informative and helpful; and d) the public supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes last year, despite the inconvenience caused. Seriously. I mean, so many people supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes, causing inconvenience everywhere. And instead of gratitude, we get bitten in the rear! Thank. Thanks a lot.
I am so gonna complain to Stagecoach - the bus company's name. All I'm asking for is punctual bus services. Luckily for other people, not all Stagecoach services are this lousy. The 113/115 bus route is gonna be mentioned and flamed in my complaint, that's for sure!
p/s: regarding yesterday's post.. I decided not to give up on the storyline... I've been wrecking my brain last night trying to recall my lost plan. So I have to add up bits here and there. I've invested too much to just give it all up.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:24 AM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
Damn It! Argh...!
I'm a messy person. I'll admit that. That clutter on my desk since last year? Still there. I've got books, stationery, papers and miscellaneous stuff strewn across everywhere in my room, and every time I need something, there's always a desperate search deep into the paper jungle that is my room. Usually I find the thing I'm looking for, 'cos I always have a feeling as to where I left that thing... i.e. somewhere around the lower shelves of my bookshelf, near the cds.. or whatever. The point is, the object gets found. But today... I failed.
I've been posting some stories on Fiction Alley since 2003. However, I hardly update, as I always take months just to write a chapter. At first, I update every 3 months or so.. but in mid-2004, I stopped. Went on a hiatus. Huge writer's block. Plus, I started my first year in uni in 2005. I was busy adapting to university life. Then, having received some comments asking about the stories, I wrote a few chapters during mid-2005. I wanted to continue, but I didn't. Today, I decided to continue writing for Fiction Alley again. However, there was a big problem. You see, I had a draft for one of my stories (I have 3 ongoing - crazy, eh?) done during late 2003. But I never did anything with it, as I decided that part of the story was way too soon to be published (online). So I kept it away. Now, I decided... it's time.
So I searched for it yesterday. But guess what? I couldn't find it! I thought I'd give it a rest, and try again later. Still nothing. I was beginning to worry. Surely I didn't throw it away, did I? I searched high and low today. Still nothing. Nada.
Oh man! I hope it's not gone forever. I had a plan on it... for my story's plot. With that gone.. I simply can't continue my story. I have a very bad memory, as you guys know, and I forget things very easily, even ideas for story plots. So when I come up with an idea, I have to jot it down. Otherwise, it's gone. Poof! Just like that. I can't remember what my plan for the plot even was! At all!
Argh! Feel like tearing my hair out. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!!
I. Need. That. Draft!
I've been posting some stories on Fiction Alley since 2003. However, I hardly update, as I always take months just to write a chapter. At first, I update every 3 months or so.. but in mid-2004, I stopped. Went on a hiatus. Huge writer's block. Plus, I started my first year in uni in 2005. I was busy adapting to university life. Then, having received some comments asking about the stories, I wrote a few chapters during mid-2005. I wanted to continue, but I didn't. Today, I decided to continue writing for Fiction Alley again. However, there was a big problem. You see, I had a draft for one of my stories (I have 3 ongoing - crazy, eh?) done during late 2003. But I never did anything with it, as I decided that part of the story was way too soon to be published (online). So I kept it away. Now, I decided... it's time.
So I searched for it yesterday. But guess what? I couldn't find it! I thought I'd give it a rest, and try again later. Still nothing. I was beginning to worry. Surely I didn't throw it away, did I? I searched high and low today. Still nothing. Nada.
Oh man! I hope it's not gone forever. I had a plan on it... for my story's plot. With that gone.. I simply can't continue my story. I have a very bad memory, as you guys know, and I forget things very easily, even ideas for story plots. So when I come up with an idea, I have to jot it down. Otherwise, it's gone. Poof! Just like that. I can't remember what my plan for the plot even was! At all!
Argh! Feel like tearing my hair out. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!!
I. Need. That. Draft!
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:58 AM
fate crumbled all around 12 comments
fate crumbled all around 12 comments
Sunday, January 22, 2006
About Tests, Friends, and Deceiving Appearances
I have a very dreaded oral test this coming Tuesday. So stressing out. I have to watch out for 'th' sounds, 'v' sounds, (beware: linguistics terms!) linking, assimilation, elision... Stress, stress, stress! Come Monday, Andrew and I are gonna practice for the test. Hopefully Andrew'll be able to help me with my 'th' sounds... which I find the hardest! Rar! *my version of roar*
Speaking of Andrew... I just realised that although we've known each other for only two-and-a-half weeks, we already have an inside joke. That's really quite surprising. Who'd knew we'd hit it off? *not in that sense la, idiots!* When I first met Andrew, he seemed really serious and quiet. If the lecturer didn't make us students sit in pairs, I wouldn't have even talked to him! Now, we're practically the most outspoken pair in the class. But then, in a class of Asians, what do you expect? We're a very shy and quiet bunch, we Asians... well, except for the loud-mouthed Malaysian, maybe. Heh.
First appearances... what was your (yes, you!) first image of me? Shing told me that I looked like a happy person. Man, Shing, you make me sound like I'm high on drugs. Sheesh! Then Shing said that it's because I was laughing all the time. Okay, now I'm a laughing idiot high on drugs?? Whee. Love that image. I think Chi Yee thought I was a girl who likes bullying boys... because I happened to be scolding a boy (I think! Correct me if I'm wrong, Chi Yee) the first time he saw me. Well, he's not very far off. I do like bullying boys, especially boys like Chi Yee. He's very bullied-able, you see. Shing agrees, don't ya?
This just makes me think about how appearances can be deceiving. Someone I once thought at first sight was demure, sweet, friendly turned out to be anything but. This type of occurance happened several times in my life, and you'd think I learnt my lesson, but no. It's hard not to judge someone by their looks. After all, I even judge books by their covers, selecting something new to read by looking for eye-catching cover designs. I do the same with people. Except rather than being disappointed, I get hurt.
Sometimes I felt insulted, the way their eyes see past me, because I'm not beautiful or smart or witty, like the rest of their friends. Sometimes I felt dejected, the way they demand me to change who I am, so I can conform to their expectations.
It took me a while, but I broke away from these so-called friends. I can't possibly stay with these destructive bunch, who break down my self-esteem and confidence. Friends encourage you, cheer you on, love you as you are. They don't make you change just because they deem you uncool, because your lifestyle is different from theirs. And so, I added a new principle into my life:
And I'm gonna make damn sure that I'll follow this principle. I've had enough with people hurting me all they like. I'm not gonna stand for that anymore. Because you know what? You might think that you're desperate for some companionship, and you have no right to be choosy... but you're wrong. I say, be choosy. Because sooner or later, some people are gonna come and accept you the way you are, flaws and all. And I think those friends... are worth the wait.
Speaking of Andrew... I just realised that although we've known each other for only two-and-a-half weeks, we already have an inside joke. That's really quite surprising. Who'd knew we'd hit it off? *not in that sense la, idiots!* When I first met Andrew, he seemed really serious and quiet. If the lecturer didn't make us students sit in pairs, I wouldn't have even talked to him! Now, we're practically the most outspoken pair in the class. But then, in a class of Asians, what do you expect? We're a very shy and quiet bunch, we Asians... well, except for the loud-mouthed Malaysian, maybe. Heh.
First appearances... what was your (yes, you!) first image of me? Shing told me that I looked like a happy person. Man, Shing, you make me sound like I'm high on drugs. Sheesh! Then Shing said that it's because I was laughing all the time. Okay, now I'm a laughing idiot high on drugs?? Whee. Love that image. I think Chi Yee thought I was a girl who likes bullying boys... because I happened to be scolding a boy (I think! Correct me if I'm wrong, Chi Yee) the first time he saw me. Well, he's not very far off. I do like bullying boys, especially boys like Chi Yee. He's very bullied-able, you see. Shing agrees, don't ya?
This just makes me think about how appearances can be deceiving. Someone I once thought at first sight was demure, sweet, friendly turned out to be anything but. This type of occurance happened several times in my life, and you'd think I learnt my lesson, but no. It's hard not to judge someone by their looks. After all, I even judge books by their covers, selecting something new to read by looking for eye-catching cover designs. I do the same with people. Except rather than being disappointed, I get hurt.
Sometimes I felt insulted, the way their eyes see past me, because I'm not beautiful or smart or witty, like the rest of their friends. Sometimes I felt dejected, the way they demand me to change who I am, so I can conform to their expectations.
It took me a while, but I broke away from these so-called friends. I can't possibly stay with these destructive bunch, who break down my self-esteem and confidence. Friends encourage you, cheer you on, love you as you are. They don't make you change just because they deem you uncool, because your lifestyle is different from theirs. And so, I added a new principle into my life:
Principle #2: Don't ever compromise yourself for others.
And I'm gonna make damn sure that I'll follow this principle. I've had enough with people hurting me all they like. I'm not gonna stand for that anymore. Because you know what? You might think that you're desperate for some companionship, and you have no right to be choosy... but you're wrong. I say, be choosy. Because sooner or later, some people are gonna come and accept you the way you are, flaws and all. And I think those friends... are worth the wait.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:36 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Am I Being Paranoid?
I've always wanted an older brother, although I've never told this to anyone before. My reason for wanting an older brother would seem rather silly, you see, so I was reluctant to tell this to anyone for fear of being laughed at. But years of growing up taught me one thing: don't be afraid to be laughed at, because hey, it's gonna happen sometime anyway. So, the reason for my wanting an older brother is that in books or movies or tv shows, older brothers are often very protective of their younger siblings, especially younger sisters. I wanted to have a sibling who was fiercely protective of me, because... well, to be honest, I don't feel that at all with my older sister. In fact, it's like the other way around.
I worry about my sister. A lot. The first time she went clubbing and came home late, I stayed up and waited for her to come back. The first time she went clubbing and didn't come home, I worried, despite knowing that she was crashing at a friend's house. The first time she went clubbing, got drunk and couldn't come home, I got angry at her recklessness, the way a parent would. Sometimes, when she wasn't home even though she said she would be, I messaged her, worried that something might have happened to her.
I told her to read an article about binge drinking, mentioned drink-driving, and warned her about party pills. I worry, worry, worry.
It's funny, isn't it? The way I worry about my older sister. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Once, her male friend messaged me in the middle of the night, telling me my sister got so drunk, she was sick. She couldn't drive home, so she was going to stay overnight at his place. And oh, "don't worry, I won't harm her". Let me tell you, I worried. How could I not? My sister was drunk, and in a man's home. I was so angry, I couldn't talk to her the next morning. Not that she noticed.
Am I just overreacting? After all, my sister is an adult. I should let her make her own choices. After all, my parents aren't worried. Should I, the youngest in the family, worry about her?
Lately, she's been hanging out with a guy she met for only about a month. Yet, judging by the way they acted, it was as if they had known each other for at least a year. It was incredulous; how could they act so friendly? Maybe it's me and my traditional mindset that friendship, especially close and intimate friendship, needed time to grow. One month wasn't enough for me. But I guess that's just me.
I asked my sis if he was just a friend, or more than that. She said he was just a friend, but they had lots to talk about. I wondered about his intentions. Did he feel the same way? Or does he want more...? Doesn't my sister realise that she might be leading him on, acting the way she does? Or is it, once again, just me being close-minded? And there's just one thing about this friend of my sis's that bugs me. Even though he seems like a nice guy, I don't like him. There just seems to be something... wrong about him. (Maybe it's the results of reading Hot Gimmick. Ack!)
Maybe I worry too much. But I can't help it. That's why I wanted an older brother, who worries about me... It's really tiring, worrying about other people. My sis, my parents, my friends, my relatives...
I need to learn to relax and try not to take things too seriously... but it is easier said than done.
I worry about my sister. A lot. The first time she went clubbing and came home late, I stayed up and waited for her to come back. The first time she went clubbing and didn't come home, I worried, despite knowing that she was crashing at a friend's house. The first time she went clubbing, got drunk and couldn't come home, I got angry at her recklessness, the way a parent would. Sometimes, when she wasn't home even though she said she would be, I messaged her, worried that something might have happened to her.
I told her to read an article about binge drinking, mentioned drink-driving, and warned her about party pills. I worry, worry, worry.
It's funny, isn't it? The way I worry about my older sister. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Once, her male friend messaged me in the middle of the night, telling me my sister got so drunk, she was sick. She couldn't drive home, so she was going to stay overnight at his place. And oh, "don't worry, I won't harm her". Let me tell you, I worried. How could I not? My sister was drunk, and in a man's home. I was so angry, I couldn't talk to her the next morning. Not that she noticed.
Am I just overreacting? After all, my sister is an adult. I should let her make her own choices. After all, my parents aren't worried. Should I, the youngest in the family, worry about her?
Lately, she's been hanging out with a guy she met for only about a month. Yet, judging by the way they acted, it was as if they had known each other for at least a year. It was incredulous; how could they act so friendly? Maybe it's me and my traditional mindset that friendship, especially close and intimate friendship, needed time to grow. One month wasn't enough for me. But I guess that's just me.
I asked my sis if he was just a friend, or more than that. She said he was just a friend, but they had lots to talk about. I wondered about his intentions. Did he feel the same way? Or does he want more...? Doesn't my sister realise that she might be leading him on, acting the way she does? Or is it, once again, just me being close-minded? And there's just one thing about this friend of my sis's that bugs me. Even though he seems like a nice guy, I don't like him. There just seems to be something... wrong about him. (Maybe it's the results of reading Hot Gimmick. Ack!)
Maybe I worry too much. But I can't help it. That's why I wanted an older brother, who worries about me... It's really tiring, worrying about other people. My sis, my parents, my friends, my relatives...
I need to learn to relax and try not to take things too seriously... but it is easier said than done.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:13 AM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Dinner and Karaoke
Last night, I went out for dinner to meet up with Joey and the gang. We were supposed to meet up at a restaurant called Canton Cafe, but I got lost. Hehe. Luckily, I didn't wander very far from the place, so I got there fine, albeit a little late. I didn't know who exactly was going, but I had expected maybe 5 or 6 of us in total. So, in the restaurant, I was looking desperately for a table of 5... only to find Jackie waving to me from a huge table.
Jackie, Colin, Adrian and Simon were there, but Joey, the organiser, wasn't. She was coming straight from work, which was why she was late. There were 3 other guys at the table, including Bernard and John, whom I've met before. The other guy was called Mashi, I think. However, it wasn't till after dinner that I realized I actually met John before. Oops. Don't think he remembers me either, so we'll call it even. Heh. Anyway, when Joey came, I was sitting next to Simon. She sat down next to me, then asked to swap seats with me. I knew Joey likes Simon, but I thought, wouldn't it be obvious? I was about to think of an excuse for why we exchanged seats, when Joey leaned over and kissed Simon on the cheek! Oh. I didn't know they hooked up! Turns out they hooked up after the holidays last year! Wow.. so long ago, and I didn't know a thing. Everyone knew, though, except me. I felt a little embarassed and out of place. Bleh.
After dinner, we decided to go for karaoke. Jackie suggested KBox, but Mashi mentioned a place where it's quite cheap, so we decided to try it out. It was a Korean place called Champion Singing Rooms (I think!). It was a very quiet night. We were the only customers there. It was a Wednesday night, after all. Mashi was right... it was very cheap. It's supposed to be $60 for all 9 of us for 2 hours, but the guy gave us a discount... so it was $50. Cheap leh! They have Korean (duh!), Chinese, English and Japanese songs, but we only sang English songs yesterday night. Not everyone can read or know Chinese. I prefer Chinese songs, though.
I think I prefer KBox, although it's more expensive than Champion. In Champion, the rooms are very stuffy, and even having the two fans in the room didn't help. Colin was the first to complain it's hot, but I told him, "Hot? You?" That was because of all of us, Colin's the only one wearing three-quarter pants. But about 30 minutes in the room, and we were all sweating. It was like a freaking boiler room in there! We kept opening the door and buying drinks because it was so darn hot. Maybe that's how they get profits? At 10.30pm, we were prepared to go, but Mashi and Jackie wanted to stay for another 2 more hours! I declined, since I have class in the morning. Joey declined as well, as she has work. Some of the others have to go to work as well, but they start work late. I think Mashi wanted to stay 'cos he's the only one completely free... no work or school. How nice! I tumpang-ed with Joey and Simon, and reached home about 11pm. Simon asked me the way to my house, but I was kinda blur. What to do? It's really hard for me to remember the roads, 'kay? I know the bus route, and I know my way from certain places. But since we went to a different place from usual, I wasn't sure about the way home. Joey joked that she should dump me at some random place one day. Don't you dare, Joey!
So tired. In fact, I almost couldn't wake up this morning! Luckily, my sis woke me up. Heh. Okay, enough blabbering. Pictures!! There were some funny moments, where Mashi was serenading Simon (!) and the guys dancing... but I was laughing too hard to take pictures.
Jackie, Colin, Adrian and Simon were there, but Joey, the organiser, wasn't. She was coming straight from work, which was why she was late. There were 3 other guys at the table, including Bernard and John, whom I've met before. The other guy was called Mashi, I think. However, it wasn't till after dinner that I realized I actually met John before. Oops. Don't think he remembers me either, so we'll call it even. Heh. Anyway, when Joey came, I was sitting next to Simon. She sat down next to me, then asked to swap seats with me. I knew Joey likes Simon, but I thought, wouldn't it be obvious? I was about to think of an excuse for why we exchanged seats, when Joey leaned over and kissed Simon on the cheek! Oh. I didn't know they hooked up! Turns out they hooked up after the holidays last year! Wow.. so long ago, and I didn't know a thing. Everyone knew, though, except me. I felt a little embarassed and out of place. Bleh.
After dinner, we decided to go for karaoke. Jackie suggested KBox, but Mashi mentioned a place where it's quite cheap, so we decided to try it out. It was a Korean place called Champion Singing Rooms (I think!). It was a very quiet night. We were the only customers there. It was a Wednesday night, after all. Mashi was right... it was very cheap. It's supposed to be $60 for all 9 of us for 2 hours, but the guy gave us a discount... so it was $50. Cheap leh! They have Korean (duh!), Chinese, English and Japanese songs, but we only sang English songs yesterday night. Not everyone can read or know Chinese. I prefer Chinese songs, though.
I think I prefer KBox, although it's more expensive than Champion. In Champion, the rooms are very stuffy, and even having the two fans in the room didn't help. Colin was the first to complain it's hot, but I told him, "Hot? You?" That was because of all of us, Colin's the only one wearing three-quarter pants. But about 30 minutes in the room, and we were all sweating. It was like a freaking boiler room in there! We kept opening the door and buying drinks because it was so darn hot. Maybe that's how they get profits? At 10.30pm, we were prepared to go, but Mashi and Jackie wanted to stay for another 2 more hours! I declined, since I have class in the morning. Joey declined as well, as she has work. Some of the others have to go to work as well, but they start work late. I think Mashi wanted to stay 'cos he's the only one completely free... no work or school. How nice! I tumpang-ed with Joey and Simon, and reached home about 11pm. Simon asked me the way to my house, but I was kinda blur. What to do? It's really hard for me to remember the roads, 'kay? I know the bus route, and I know my way from certain places. But since we went to a different place from usual, I wasn't sure about the way home. Joey joked that she should dump me at some random place one day. Don't you dare, Joey!
So tired. In fact, I almost couldn't wake up this morning! Luckily, my sis woke me up. Heh. Okay, enough blabbering. Pictures!! There were some funny moments, where Mashi was serenading Simon (!) and the guys dancing... but I was laughing too hard to take pictures.
Joey, Simon, Mashi
John, Adrian and Bernard (can't see his face)
Joey, Jackie, Adrian and Colin (can't see his face either)
Bernard, John and Mashi
Jackie, Joey, Simon, Colin (looks like a kid la!)
Adrian (hehe!), Simon (looks like a gigolo la!), Colin
Adrian (idiot!), Bernard, Colin
Mashi and John
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:03 PM
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Wellington, Capital of New Zealand
As per Shing Yee's request, I decided to post up more recent pictures, where it is evident, cuteness does not last. :( Anyway, since I have not mentioned my Wellington trip so far, I shall do so today. (Complete with pictures!)
My parents decided to drive to Wellington, so we could stop at several places on the way there. Knowing fully well I would forget the details by the time I come back from the trip, I took notes.
My parents decided to drive to Wellington, so we could stop at several places on the way there. Knowing fully well I would forget the details by the time I come back from the trip, I took notes.
Day One: 18th December
- We were supposed to leave the house at 9am, but we overslept, and left at around 10am instead.
- A few hours later, we stopped for ice cream at a place got MacGregor's in Te Puna. It's actually a fruit stall, but they happened to sell ice cream as well. Their ice cream is quite unique, as they actually make their ice cream with their own fruit on the spot. What they do is they put vanilla ice cream and your choice of fruits into a machine. Then, they blend it into a fruit-flavored ice cream. It's very sweet, and you can still taste small chunks of fruit in it!
- Around lunch time, we stopped at Tauranga to have fish and chips. We didn't get to choose the fish, and the amount was quite measley, considering the fact that it was quite expensive! Then, we went to The Cargo Shed, an art and craft market. There were quite a lot of interesting things, such as wood carvings, yarn spinning, pottery, etc. However, the most interesting craft I saw was encaustic art, which is wax painting. The lady selling the wax painting asked my sis and I if we have seen it before, and we said 'no', so she gave us a demonstration.
What you need is a low-heat iron, a sealed card, and coloured wax, which according to the lady, is beeswax. The lady melts a few of the coloured wax, and spread the molten wax onto the card. Using only the iron, the molten wax, and the tip of the iron, she created a beautiful picture within a minute. Amazing, really. My sis and I were offered a go at making a wax painting, but we declined. We knew that we needed skills and practice to even attempt a passable wax painting. Instead, we bought a 3"x5" wax painting each for NZD$3.
- Then, we head on to Mt. Maunganui, where we would stay for the night. We checked in at the apartment, took a rest, and went out again (minus my sis, who didn't want to come along). Our plan was to go to Blokart Heaven for blokart sailing - a land-based sail sport, but the weather was bad, so they closed early. Instead of going back to the apartment, my parents and I decided to climb the Mount, the conical dormant volcano in Mt. Maunganui. It was around 5pm, but since it was early summer, it was quite bright and sunny. We walked on a track up to the summit of the Mount, stopping occasionally to take pictures, rest, and drink water. It took us about an hour to reach the summit. Along the way, we saw sheep grazing on the grass, breathtaking views, and athletic joggers running up the hill!
the Mount
the apartment we stayed in - the one behind the car
on the way up the mount
sheep!
view from the top
the summit! yay!
- When we returned to the apartment, we had instant noodle for dinner, as we were all too tired to go out. Then, my dad and I went to Hot Saltwater Pools at the bottom of the Mount, where we rented a private spa for NZD$12 for 30 minutes. The water was warmed to 39oC, but I felt that it was too hot. Since there wasn't any temperature control, we only stayed for around 20 minutes. It was very relaxing, though.
Day Two... to be continued.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:59 PM
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
Monday, January 16, 2006
Memory Lane 3
Here's the third and last 'installment' of the 'Memory Lane' entries.. Instead of showing pictures of me again (I'm so vain!), here's my parents...
my mom and dad when they were dating
take a closer look at the beach. so dirty!
my mom in her wedding dress! quite a pretty dress. i like the lace!
my parents' wedding picture
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:06 PM
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fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Memory Lane 2
"no touchy my drumstick!"
my cousin Pei Ling again... cute, isn't she?
me and a kid i met on a tour in Perth, Australia
me during my 'shaved head' stage... long story..
*confused* "what note is that?"
hard to believe i dared to sing publicly as a kid!
at my aunt's sis's wedding..i'm in the middle, with the bride.. wearing white as well!
see the 2 kids at the bottom?
my cousins Jie Shen and Pei Ling, whom you've seen earlier
my failed attempt at winking
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:43 PM
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
fate crumbled all around 2 comments
A Walk Down Memory Lane
warning: big post with pictures. might take a while to load.
I was looking at some family photo albums during the weekend. I was such a cute kid back then. Now, I'm like, 'blah'. I noticed that I changed a lot in appearance, while my sister basically looked the same, plus or minus geeky glasses. :P Even my dad couldn't recognised some of my photos. Can you believe it? Hmph!
Anyway, since my blog doesn't have much pictures anyway, I decided to post up some old pictures.
I was looking at some family photo albums during the weekend. I was such a cute kid back then. Now, I'm like, 'blah'. I noticed that I changed a lot in appearance, while my sister basically looked the same, plus or minus geeky glasses. :P Even my dad couldn't recognised some of my photos. Can you believe it? Hmph!
Anyway, since my blog doesn't have much pictures anyway, I decided to post up some old pictures.
my older sister and me.. i had wild hair!
family portrait.. I think I got my hair from my mom :P
my aunt and my cousin Jie Shen, my mom and me
family portrait again... at some stream in Perak
"how do i get into this thing?"
"eh... i give up. zzzzz..."
sis: "let's go!"
me: "i... can't... move..."
my favourite cousin Pei Ling, me, sis
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:05 PM
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fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Saturday, January 14, 2006
What I Love About You
Note: As you probably know by now, I blog a lot about my friends and friendship. And today's no different, except it's not about my friends. Today's post is for my friends. You know who you are! (different paragraph = different person)
What I Love About You
Hello, my dear friends
Let me tell you what I love about you.
You're forgiving in a way I could never understand.
Your tolerance for others is something I admire. - Sharlene
You're kind and polite, inside and out.
You don't lie, and pretend to be someone you're not. - Lalitha
You're straightforward, not afraid to tell the brutal truth.
I'm never afraid to trust you as a friend. - King San
You're patient, understanding, and you're a good listener.
You never try to force me to do something I wouldn't want to do. - Chi Yee
You share my interests as well as disagree to them.
But yet you respect our differences, even embrace them. - Shing Yee
Your laughter is infectious, your voice even more.
We've lost contact, but now, we're friends once more. - Hui Ying
You're so friendly, sometimes overly so.
But you tolerate me, even when I don't. - Xu Ting
Thank you for being my friends, accepting me for who I am
This is what I love about all of you.
Hello, my dear friends
Let me tell you what I love about you.
You're forgiving in a way I could never understand.
Your tolerance for others is something I admire. - Sharlene
You're kind and polite, inside and out.
You don't lie, and pretend to be someone you're not. - Lalitha
You're straightforward, not afraid to tell the brutal truth.
I'm never afraid to trust you as a friend. - King San
You're patient, understanding, and you're a good listener.
You never try to force me to do something I wouldn't want to do. - Chi Yee
You share my interests as well as disagree to them.
But yet you respect our differences, even embrace them. - Shing Yee
Your laughter is infectious, your voice even more.
We've lost contact, but now, we're friends once more. - Hui Ying
You're so friendly, sometimes overly so.
But you tolerate me, even when I don't. - Xu Ting
Thank you for being my friends, accepting me for who I am
This is what I love about all of you.
i know that i have loved you ... at 7:21 PM
fate crumbled all around 6 comments
fate crumbled all around 6 comments
Friday, January 13, 2006
Blog Wars. Who Needs Them?
I love my blog. I love other people's blogs. I love a lot of things about the blogosphere. But one thing I do not like is blog wars.
Everytime I see a hint of a blog war, I avoid it. As if life doesn't have enough drama already. Today, browsing around blogs, I saw yet another blog war. Oi. This time, I thought I actually take a look.
It's about Xia Xue and Xia Lan Xue. If you know who they are, good - I don't have to explain the situation, which has been going on for quite some time now, I think. If you don't, sorry la - I don't really know the situation well enough to explain. Heh.
Anyhoo, back to topic. Just looking at these posts makes my head hurt. Seriously. I mean, they are very lengthy, with all sorts of proof or whatever, assuring readers that their accounts are true. But the thing is, one of them must be wrong, isn't it? Or, maybe there was a misunderstanding. Who knows?
The worst thing is, the problem is not only between the respective bloggers themselves, but between other bloggers who support Xia Xue or Xia Lan Xue. So the blog war goes on and on and on and on. It is a never-ending phenomena.
Of course, this is not the only example of a blog war. There are many others out there, lurking, waiting to pounce on you and poison you with their words.
One thing I must say, I admire the patience these people have. I mean, writing so much about someone/something you hate must take a lot of energy out of you. Don't they ever feel tired? I know I am.
However, don't they realize how bad an image they are creating of the Asian blogosphere? Imagine some mat salleh, or gweilo, or ang moh (or whatever you call it) stumbling in the complex world that is the Asian blogosphere... only to find blog wars, blog wars, and more BLOG WARS!! It would seem as if the Asian blogosphere is full of childish idiots who can't learn to let go.
It is times like these that I am glad I'm not a famous blogger. I mean, sure, being famous has a lot of benefits... but there's disadvantages too. Loss of privacy, for example. I treasure my privacy way too much. If I had to choose between my current life and Xia Xue's life, I'd pick my boring, dull life. Like I said earlier, life is full of drama already, and I'm not keen on creating more for myself.
I don't have the energy, nor do I want to summon the energy, for time- and energy-consuming things like blog wars. My blog is about me, my likes, my dislikes, my feelings, and such. To spend time on others, especially people I don't know... I just can't be bothered.
And so, the blog wars will continue on and on... while people like me, who can't be bothered, go on with their lives.
Everytime I see a hint of a blog war, I avoid it. As if life doesn't have enough drama already. Today, browsing around blogs, I saw yet another blog war. Oi. This time, I thought I actually take a look.
It's about Xia Xue and Xia Lan Xue. If you know who they are, good - I don't have to explain the situation, which has been going on for quite some time now, I think. If you don't, sorry la - I don't really know the situation well enough to explain. Heh.
Anyhoo, back to topic. Just looking at these posts makes my head hurt. Seriously. I mean, they are very lengthy, with all sorts of proof or whatever, assuring readers that their accounts are true. But the thing is, one of them must be wrong, isn't it? Or, maybe there was a misunderstanding. Who knows?
The worst thing is, the problem is not only between the respective bloggers themselves, but between other bloggers who support Xia Xue or Xia Lan Xue. So the blog war goes on and on and on and on. It is a never-ending phenomena.
Of course, this is not the only example of a blog war. There are many others out there, lurking, waiting to pounce on you and poison you with their words.
One thing I must say, I admire the patience these people have. I mean, writing so much about someone/something you hate must take a lot of energy out of you. Don't they ever feel tired? I know I am.
However, don't they realize how bad an image they are creating of the Asian blogosphere? Imagine some mat salleh, or gweilo, or ang moh (or whatever you call it) stumbling in the complex world that is the Asian blogosphere... only to find blog wars, blog wars, and more BLOG WARS!! It would seem as if the Asian blogosphere is full of childish idiots who can't learn to let go.
It is times like these that I am glad I'm not a famous blogger. I mean, sure, being famous has a lot of benefits... but there's disadvantages too. Loss of privacy, for example. I treasure my privacy way too much. If I had to choose between my current life and Xia Xue's life, I'd pick my boring, dull life. Like I said earlier, life is full of drama already, and I'm not keen on creating more for myself.
I don't have the energy, nor do I want to summon the energy, for time- and energy-consuming things like blog wars. My blog is about me, my likes, my dislikes, my feelings, and such. To spend time on others, especially people I don't know... I just can't be bothered.
And so, the blog wars will continue on and on... while people like me, who can't be bothered, go on with their lives.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:19 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Dramatic Girls Should Just Kill Themselves
I was browsing BlogsMalaysia today, and saw a post with the title: Emo guys should just kill themselves by Hedonistics Anonymous. I thought it was one of those meant-to-be-humorous posts. Apparently not. Boy, that is one super bitchy, dramatic girl. What's her problem, I wonder?
Why is it not okay for guys to cry? Girls can cry whenever they want, but guys can't? That's a warped sense of logic. Okay, so it's a little lame to be crying over every small thing. Like, for example, if "The coffeeshop only serves Pepsi because they ran out of Coke" or "The steak is slightly overdone" (quoted from the post). But crying because of a failed relationship? I think that's justifiable. In the post, Hedonistics Anonymous quotes a conversation she had with a friend, whom just had a failed relationship.
Apparently, she thinks that girls have the right to be emotional while guys don't is because "guys don't have to deal with emo-inducing stuff like periods, pregancies, menopause etc". What, you mean, we girls only get emotional over things like that? We don't get emotional over love, loss, death, pain, etc.? Seriously, that's warped.
Okay, I get that she thinks some guys are overly-emotional for no reason at all. I agree they're pathetic. But just because some guys are emotional, that doesn't mean there's no justifiable reason. And the worse thing is, she thinks it's perfectly alright and not lame at all for girls to be emotional over every little thing, because... girls have to deal with things like periods, pregnancies, and menopause. Now, that's lame. It's girls like these who give the rest of us a bad name.
I can't believe BlogsMalaysia even approved this post. According to their News section,
Stupid BlogsMalaysia. I can't even quit the damn thing.
//edit// turns out i misunderstood Hedonistics Anonymous' post. that's why the Internet is so darn unreliable - you think you know the true story, but in fact, you don't. her friend's failed relationship happened 3 years ago, apparently, so it's not unreasonable to act the way she did.
this is why i don't like to post about other bloggers, in case of misunderstandings such as this. i thought i understood her post perfectly well, when i was just blinded by my anger at one sentence. after i read that particular sentence, i continued the rest of the entry with prejudice.
i hate it when i'm wrong. bleh. //edit//
Why is it not okay for guys to cry? Girls can cry whenever they want, but guys can't? That's a warped sense of logic. Okay, so it's a little lame to be crying over every small thing. Like, for example, if "The coffeeshop only serves Pepsi because they ran out of Coke" or "The steak is slightly overdone" (quoted from the post). But crying because of a failed relationship? I think that's justifiable. In the post, Hedonistics Anonymous quotes a conversation she had with a friend, whom just had a failed relationship.
Yeah, real mature, by the way. I'm surprised the guy's still friends with her. I'm surprised she even has any friends at all. But then, there's plenty of people like that in the world, so it's not that surprising after all, I guess.Last night I had to send my friend home because his car was in the workshop. On the way back, he started rehashing details of his failed lovelife.
He: She said that if I ever come knocking on her door again, she'll let me in... because she knows that I'll be hers forever.
Me: Uh.. okay.
He: Can you believe it, I was so touched by her words. I actually cried when I got home.
Me: *starts rooting around in my handbag* Uh.. here, take this.
He: A TAMPON?!?!?!
Me: Yeah. You obviously need it more than I do, you stupid wuss.
Apparently, she thinks that girls have the right to be emotional while guys don't is because "guys don't have to deal with emo-inducing stuff like periods, pregancies, menopause etc". What, you mean, we girls only get emotional over things like that? We don't get emotional over love, loss, death, pain, etc.? Seriously, that's warped.
Okay, I get that she thinks some guys are overly-emotional for no reason at all. I agree they're pathetic. But just because some guys are emotional, that doesn't mean there's no justifiable reason. And the worse thing is, she thinks it's perfectly alright and not lame at all for girls to be emotional over every little thing, because... girls have to deal with things like periods, pregnancies, and menopause. Now, that's lame. It's girls like these who give the rest of us a bad name.
I can't believe BlogsMalaysia even approved this post. According to their News section,
You mean, not even 2 editors think the post isn't good enough to be approved? And they say whatever posts accepted is "a pretty good read"? Hmph! Also what's "things that might be get to a trend"? Do they mean "things that might get to be a trend"? I know, typos are common and should be forgiven... except that there are a total of 11 editors on BlogsMalaysia, and not one of them noticed! Laughable. Yeah, it sure isn't a strict system, if one at all.It's not a very strict system, the voting one that we go through. If a recommended article gets 3 positive votes, it's good to go. If two editors decide that it's not good enough, then the post gets suspended. Which explains WHY some of your posts never appear here.
This also means that whatever goes on the main page, is a pretty good read. It's good shit. That's the point of blogsmalaysia, really. The focus is on good content, good reads, interesting stuff and things that might be get to a trend.
Stupid BlogsMalaysia. I can't even quit the damn thing.
//edit// turns out i misunderstood Hedonistics Anonymous' post. that's why the Internet is so darn unreliable - you think you know the true story, but in fact, you don't. her friend's failed relationship happened 3 years ago, apparently, so it's not unreasonable to act the way she did.
this is why i don't like to post about other bloggers, in case of misunderstandings such as this. i thought i understood her post perfectly well, when i was just blinded by my anger at one sentence. after i read that particular sentence, i continued the rest of the entry with prejudice.
i hate it when i'm wrong. bleh. //edit//
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:43 PM
fate crumbled all around 8 comments
fate crumbled all around 8 comments
I Am Nobody
You say you feel like a nobody, like you're invisible.
And then you shout: "Do you know what it feels like?"
I keep quiet, but yes, I do know what it feels like.
It's because I'm nobody, when you scream and shout,
When he escapes, when she slams the door.
I am nobody, even as I try to help,
By quietly listening to you when others don't.
It is me who fades quietly into the background,
Doing all the things no one wants to do.
It is me who stays when you explode with fury,
When the others escape and hide.
It is me who gets the blame
Regardless of whether or not I deserve it.
It is me, it is me, it is me.
I am the nobody, not you!
So don't tell me you feel like a nobody,
That I don't understand how that feels,
Because I do understand.
It is you who don't understand.
You act like you're the only one
Who ever felt invisible in this family
That all your efforts are unappreciated.
What about me?
You never asked me how I felt.
You never tried to understand.
You're the victim, I'm the oppressor.
But I am the one who stayed around,
The one who tried to keep this family together,
When all you do is scream and scream,
While I keep my anger boiling inside,
My tears deeper still.
You, who have the right to shout,
To get mad, to get indignant,
Know nothing about being a nobody,
Because you've never been me.
You've never experienced the lows I experienced,
The darkness I overcame.
You'll never be a nobody, never ever,
Because nobody is me, I am nobody.
And then you shout: "Do you know what it feels like?"
I keep quiet, but yes, I do know what it feels like.
It's because I'm nobody, when you scream and shout,
When he escapes, when she slams the door.
I am nobody, even as I try to help,
By quietly listening to you when others don't.
It is me who fades quietly into the background,
Doing all the things no one wants to do.
It is me who stays when you explode with fury,
When the others escape and hide.
It is me who gets the blame
Regardless of whether or not I deserve it.
It is me, it is me, it is me.
I am the nobody, not you!
So don't tell me you feel like a nobody,
That I don't understand how that feels,
Because I do understand.
It is you who don't understand.
You act like you're the only one
Who ever felt invisible in this family
That all your efforts are unappreciated.
What about me?
You never asked me how I felt.
You never tried to understand.
You're the victim, I'm the oppressor.
But I am the one who stayed around,
The one who tried to keep this family together,
When all you do is scream and scream,
While I keep my anger boiling inside,
My tears deeper still.
You, who have the right to shout,
To get mad, to get indignant,
Know nothing about being a nobody,
Because you've never been me.
You've never experienced the lows I experienced,
The darkness I overcame.
You'll never be a nobody, never ever,
Because nobody is me, I am nobody.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1:40 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Sunday, January 08, 2006
An Interesting Story
I was browsing through some blogs, when I came across this NZ blog, bizgirl. Natalie Biz, a librarian and the author of the blog, no longer updates her blog, but intends to publish a book based on her blog in the future. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to read the archives, as it seemed like one of those blogs with never-ending pages of archives. So, I scrolled down the sidebar, and stopped on an entry under the Good Starting Points category.
The entry's title was Artemis. I was compelled to click on the link, because Artemis was a name I always had a soft spot for. It reminded me of Artemis, the Greek moon goddess, as well as Artemis Fowl, the main character of the children's books series of the same name. It turned out that Natalie Biz was referring to Artemis Fowl.
The post entails of an encounter with an intelligent nine-year-old boy at the library Natalie worked at. Clever and confident, he reminded her of Artemis Fowl. I was intrigued by the possibility of a real Artemis Fowl out there, so I read the entry in a flash, only to find out there was more. There are a total of 12 posts that are about the boy, whom Natalie nicknames 'Artemis'. Most of them are detailed posts about him, while a few others mention him vaguely.
It was a very interesting story. At first, I suspected that the Artemis entries were fictional, as I highly doubted a nine-year-old boy would really be that smart and scheming. Later, as I read on, I realized that the entries were based on true events, but were altered slightly. For one, Artemis was not nine. He was a student, probably sixteen or seventeen, as he was in senior high. The truth was revealed in a post separate from the 'Artemis' 12-post story. An excerpt from the entry:
The entry's title was Artemis. I was compelled to click on the link, because Artemis was a name I always had a soft spot for. It reminded me of Artemis, the Greek moon goddess, as well as Artemis Fowl, the main character of the children's books series of the same name. It turned out that Natalie Biz was referring to Artemis Fowl.
The post entails of an encounter with an intelligent nine-year-old boy at the library Natalie worked at. Clever and confident, he reminded her of Artemis Fowl. I was intrigued by the possibility of a real Artemis Fowl out there, so I read the entry in a flash, only to find out there was more. There are a total of 12 posts that are about the boy, whom Natalie nicknames 'Artemis'. Most of them are detailed posts about him, while a few others mention him vaguely.
It was a very interesting story. At first, I suspected that the Artemis entries were fictional, as I highly doubted a nine-year-old boy would really be that smart and scheming. Later, as I read on, I realized that the entries were based on true events, but were altered slightly. For one, Artemis was not nine. He was a student, probably sixteen or seventeen, as he was in senior high. The truth was revealed in a post separate from the 'Artemis' 12-post story. An excerpt from the entry:
The chemistry between Natalie and Artemis is evident. This is the type of friendship you yearn to get, but is rare to find in real life. It is such an interesting story that I thought I should share the pleasure of reading it. I think this story would make a good book. The beginning, the middle, the end... It was such a great read! Who knows? Maybe some day in the future, a new book about a boy named Artemis is published by newly acclaimed author Natalie Biz..."I can't believe you made me nine years old."
"Well, it seemed funnier that way."
"And the stuff about my dad. And the bomb, and ... "
"Yes," I interrupted, "I know. I got a bit carried away there. Sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," said Artemis, "it was just very ... well, surprising is the only word for it, really. Once I saw what you were doing, and the fact that no-one would be able to pick that Artemis was me, well, it was quite a good read. "
"Quite good?"
"Yes, quite good."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
"You're sure?"
"What? Oh, ah, I see. Of course, no, feel free to mention it."
"Thanks."
i know that i have loved you ... at 8:46 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
(Story) Untitled
Okay, I have two stories to post up today. Well, technically, it's one story but with two different versions... But who cares?
Anyway, it's based on the story I did about protest, abortion, pro-choice, etc... The story was crappy. So, instead, I decided to write a new story. Which doesn't talk about protest, abortion or pro-choice, etc.
For some reason, I couldn't decide what type of ending I really want for my story... so I had two different versions with alternate endings. Not much changes, to be honest. I just changed the last two paragraphs, that's all. So if you're lazy to re-read the whole thing for the second version, just scroll down and read the last two paragraphs.
Anyway, comments please! Whether it be criticism or flames or praise, I welcome it with open arms. I really need the feedback, guys, so I can improve. Enjoy!
By the way, I couldn't think of a suitable title for the stories. I thought of "Reunion", but it seemed to give away part of the story through the title. If you think of any, let me know!
Version One:
She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.
"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."
My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.
*
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie*, is this what you're gonna wear?"
Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."
I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.
"Eh?"
Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.
*
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"
"Jenny, I - I have no choice."
"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."
"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."
I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.
*
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.
*
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.
*
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.
"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"
"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"
"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"
"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"
"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."
"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"
"One that loves his family!"
"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"
There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.
*
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.
My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.
*
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.
"Mum is ready to see you, Aunt Mei."
I did not believe him at first. I had not been in contact with my sister for more than two decades. I searched for her for many years, yet was unable to find her. Now that the opportunity has arrived, I was so shocked I could not respond.
"Aunt Mei? Hello?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm here, Brian. I'm ready to see her too. I've been ready for twenty-two years."
*
We arranged to meet at a cafe. I had hoped to visit my sister in her home, but Brian was reluctant when I mentioned it. And so, I waited patiently for my sister to arrive. I have never felt more excited.
I had been waiting for almost an hour, worrying and panicking silently, when a hand patted me on my shoulder. I turned around.
"Sorry for being late, Mei."
I could not hold back the tears. In front of me was a middle-aged woman, but all I saw was the eighteen-year-old girl who left home more than twenty years ago. My sister, my beloved sister, was back.
Note: * Jie, or rather, the full word, Jie jie, is a Chinese term meaning "older sister".
Version Two:
She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.
"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."
My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.
*
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie, is this what you're gonna wear?"
Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."
I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.
"Eh?"
Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.
*
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"
"Jenny, I - I have no choice."
"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."
"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."
I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.
*
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.
*
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.
*
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.
"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"
"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"
"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"
"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"
"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."
"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"
"One that loves his family!"
"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"
There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.
*
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.
My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.
*
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.
"Please come, Aunt Mei. It'll mean the world to me to meet you on that important day."
I listened quietly to the soft voice of this young man, who was a complete stranger, yet was a close relative.
"I hope you'll turn up. I know Mum would love to see you."
When he hung up, I collapsed onto the ground, holding tightly onto the cradle of the phone. Then, like water bursting out of a dam, tears flowed down my face.
*
I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I arrived at the church. I was nervous. For the first time in twenty-two years, I was going to see my sister. I checked my dress, making sure there was no dirt visible anywhere. I patted my hair anxiously as I entered the church.
"Aunt Mei!"
A tall, young man greeted me with a smile. I froze for a moment. Inside that young man, I caught a glimpse of my sister.
"I'm glad you made it. Mum would be so happy to know you came. Would you like to see her now?"
For a few seconds, I kept silent. To be truthful, I was not sure if I was ready to face my sister again after more than two decades. Yet the urge to see her straightaway burned within me. I nodded my head and followed Brian as he led me through the church.
There were many people around her, so I could not see her face. However, I knew she was there, right in front of me. It was as if she was calling out to me.
"Hullo, Jie. I missed you."
I smiled at her, and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Then, I turned and took a seat. The service was beginning. Throughout the service, I smiled at her. My eyes never left the open casket once.
Anyway, it's based on the story I did about protest, abortion, pro-choice, etc... The story was crappy. So, instead, I decided to write a new story. Which doesn't talk about protest, abortion or pro-choice, etc.
For some reason, I couldn't decide what type of ending I really want for my story... so I had two different versions with alternate endings. Not much changes, to be honest. I just changed the last two paragraphs, that's all. So if you're lazy to re-read the whole thing for the second version, just scroll down and read the last two paragraphs.
Anyway, comments please! Whether it be criticism or flames or praise, I welcome it with open arms. I really need the feedback, guys, so I can improve. Enjoy!
By the way, I couldn't think of a suitable title for the stories. I thought of "Reunion", but it seemed to give away part of the story through the title. If you think of any, let me know!
Version One:
She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.
"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."
My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie*, is this what you're gonna wear?"
Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."
I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.
"Eh?"
Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"
"Jenny, I - I have no choice."
"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."
"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."
I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.
"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"
"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"
"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"
"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"
"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."
"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"
"One that loves his family!"
"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"
There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.
My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.
"Mum is ready to see you, Aunt Mei."
I did not believe him at first. I had not been in contact with my sister for more than two decades. I searched for her for many years, yet was unable to find her. Now that the opportunity has arrived, I was so shocked I could not respond.
"Aunt Mei? Hello?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm here, Brian. I'm ready to see her too. I've been ready for twenty-two years."
We arranged to meet at a cafe. I had hoped to visit my sister in her home, but Brian was reluctant when I mentioned it. And so, I waited patiently for my sister to arrive. I have never felt more excited.
I had been waiting for almost an hour, worrying and panicking silently, when a hand patted me on my shoulder. I turned around.
"Sorry for being late, Mei."
I could not hold back the tears. In front of me was a middle-aged woman, but all I saw was the eighteen-year-old girl who left home more than twenty years ago. My sister, my beloved sister, was back.
Note: * Jie, or rather, the full word, Jie jie, is a Chinese term meaning "older sister".
Version Two:
She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.
"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."
My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie, is this what you're gonna wear?"
Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."
I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.
"Eh?"
Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"
"Jenny, I - I have no choice."
"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."
"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."
I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.
"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"
"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"
"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"
"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"
"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."
"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"
"One that loves his family!"
"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"
There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.
My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.
"Please come, Aunt Mei. It'll mean the world to me to meet you on that important day."
I listened quietly to the soft voice of this young man, who was a complete stranger, yet was a close relative.
"I hope you'll turn up. I know Mum would love to see you."
When he hung up, I collapsed onto the ground, holding tightly onto the cradle of the phone. Then, like water bursting out of a dam, tears flowed down my face.
I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I arrived at the church. I was nervous. For the first time in twenty-two years, I was going to see my sister. I checked my dress, making sure there was no dirt visible anywhere. I patted my hair anxiously as I entered the church.
"Aunt Mei!"
A tall, young man greeted me with a smile. I froze for a moment. Inside that young man, I caught a glimpse of my sister.
"I'm glad you made it. Mum would be so happy to know you came. Would you like to see her now?"
For a few seconds, I kept silent. To be truthful, I was not sure if I was ready to face my sister again after more than two decades. Yet the urge to see her straightaway burned within me. I nodded my head and followed Brian as he led me through the church.
There were many people around her, so I could not see her face. However, I knew she was there, right in front of me. It was as if she was calling out to me.
"Hullo, Jie. I missed you."
I smiled at her, and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Then, I turned and took a seat. The service was beginning. Throughout the service, I smiled at her. My eyes never left the open casket once.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:35 AM
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
fate crumbled all around 5 comments
Friday, January 06, 2006
What A Crazy World We Live In...
I had the worst blueberry muffin ever this afternoon. I bought it from Pak n' Save, so I didn't have high expectations from it. It is a muffin, after all. How bad can it taste? Answer: VERY BAD!! It's a blueberry muffin, so naturally, I expected it to taste like a blueberry muffin. But no, it didn't even taste like a plain muffin. It tasted like fish. Fish! What a crazy world we live in, eh? Actually, I should admire whoever baked the muffin. However did he/she managed to make a BLUEBERRY muffin that taste like FISH? Hebat, hebat.
I just started summer school yesterday, doing a Practical Phonology paper. I was quite nervous, 'cos everyone tells me summer school is intense, since it's only five-and-a-half weeks. But so far, things have been nice and easy. Maybe because it's an ESOL paper? :P Students are so quiet in class, even when the lecturer's not around. I guess everyone's just shy. All the students are Asians, after all. Some Koreans, some Taiwanese, some Chinese, a Vietnamese, and a M'sian (me lo!). Quite a lot of them have Music degrees or Science degrees. Hmm. I would think most would be Art students, since the paper is an Arts paper.
I'm the only one whose first language is English in class! Boohoo. I feel like such a loser. Heh. However, there were a few whose English is quite good. Some can't speak English well, despite being in NZ for 10 years. Yesterday, our lecturer made us sit with someone else, so we can interview each other. Things like your name, where you're from, what degree you're doing, etc. It's quite good, 'cos that way, people get to interact. This guy I sat with, Andrew, reminds me a little of Chi Yee. (Sorry la, Chi Yee, maybe you're not that unique after all. :P) He's nice, he's funny, and he likes to assemble handphones.. Just like the way Chi Yee likes to dismantle stuff. Hehe. Luckily they don't look alike. Otherwise, I think I just might have found Chi Yee's long-lost twin!
Two Cheah Chi Yees. Now wouldn't that be nice?
I just started summer school yesterday, doing a Practical Phonology paper. I was quite nervous, 'cos everyone tells me summer school is intense, since it's only five-and-a-half weeks. But so far, things have been nice and easy. Maybe because it's an ESOL paper? :P Students are so quiet in class, even when the lecturer's not around. I guess everyone's just shy. All the students are Asians, after all. Some Koreans, some Taiwanese, some Chinese, a Vietnamese, and a M'sian (me lo!). Quite a lot of them have Music degrees or Science degrees. Hmm. I would think most would be Art students, since the paper is an Arts paper.
I'm the only one whose first language is English in class! Boohoo. I feel like such a loser. Heh. However, there were a few whose English is quite good. Some can't speak English well, despite being in NZ for 10 years. Yesterday, our lecturer made us sit with someone else, so we can interview each other. Things like your name, where you're from, what degree you're doing, etc. It's quite good, 'cos that way, people get to interact. This guy I sat with, Andrew, reminds me a little of Chi Yee. (Sorry la, Chi Yee, maybe you're not that unique after all. :P) He's nice, he's funny, and he likes to assemble handphones.. Just like the way Chi Yee likes to dismantle stuff. Hehe. Luckily they don't look alike. Otherwise, I think I just might have found Chi Yee's long-lost twin!
Two Cheah Chi Yees. Now wouldn't that be nice?
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:40 PM
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fate crumbled all around 3 comments
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
What Is Your Perfect Major (And Oh, I Suck)
I was doing this little quiz thingy, and I couldn't resist putting it up. I love the results. Yes, I'm procrastinating, but just a little bit. What do you mean, a little bit is still something? Shut up, you stupid voice in my head. I already know I suck... see the title of the post? Hmm? Anyway, the quiz: What Is Your Perfect Major? and my results:
You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours!
What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com |
I should be an English major! And I am! Sort of. I changed my Linguistics major into a double major with English. And look. Linguistics ain't that far behind in the results. 75%! Hehe. By the way, look at the percentage for philosophy - 42%. No wonder I suffered for my philosophy paper.
Ok, ok, I'm going now! I swear, I'm going offline straight after I publish this post! Honest!
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:16 PM
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New Year's Resolutions
Ok, so I never really believe in making new year's resolutions, but heck, it's all the rage now... considering it is the start of a new year. So, here's my list:
- get a job - actually, this might be easier than I thought... Rialto's hiring, and i've got an application form.. fingers crossed!
- get my learner's license - yeah, been wanting to do this for half a year now..
- get at least an A in one of my papers
- get at least an average of B+ for all my papers
- be able to accept change better
- make more friends
- join a society/club/association or something... and actually be an active member
- stop procrastinating - this ain't gonna be easy.. i'm procrastinating right now already, when i'm supposed to do the laundry and dish washing..
- study harder - i think i can do this.. i just need to fix my procrastinating habit
- volunteer at Oxfam/Amnesty/Unicef - once i get my working and studying schedules fixed right
- do exercises regularly, and eat more healthily - goodbye daily dose of chocolate!
Getting a job and getting my learner's license is at the top of my list right now. Tomorrow, I'll hunt around for some vacancies around downtown and at Village Skycity. If there's no vacancies, I'll just hand in my application form to Rialto's. As for getting my learner's license... must take the test by the end of this month. Or at least before Semester One starts. Whichever I can manage. In the meantime, I have to work on my procrastinating habit. Must go offline and do chores now. Fun.
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:54 PM
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About Forgiveness
Let me warn you, despite my cheery last post, this is not one. I tend to be harsh sometimes when I write, and today will be no exception. I was reading Xia Xue's blog today, and I came across this entry. Usually, I don't read her blog, mostly because she's too bitchy for my liking, and because her posts are damn long, and she updates way too often for me to catch up. But once in a while, I do visit it.
Reading that particular entry, I agreed with how she reacted, although it was quite harsh and humiliating for the person involved, despite his name being changed to protect his identity. I know lots of people would rather she forgave the guy. After all, "to err is human; to forgive, divine" - (Alexander Pope). The thing is, we're not divine, we're humans.
If it was me, I would probably do the same thing. How can you forgive someone who not only didn't believe in you, but belittle everything you believe in and stand up for? How can you forgive someone who betrayed you in order to conform to the ideas of others? Okay, maybe you can. But I definitely can not.
I am quite selective as to what can be considered as forgiveness. There are some people in my life I would forgive in a heartbeat, while there are others I would never ever forgive.
There was a girl once in my life. She was a bully, using intimidation to scare those weaker than her to do her bidding. I refused to be bullied, but that didn't stop her from bullying my friends. Despite her many promises to change, she remained the same, old bully. After a while, I could tolerate her no more, and I cut off my ties with her. Years later, I hear that she's different. She is no longer a bully. To be honest, I was at fault too. I was too quick to judge her. I should have realized that she was too used to getting her own way, and I was asking too much of her when I asked her to change overnight. Things take time. Also, I should have helped her to change her ways, but I simply expected her to do it on her own. I admit, I was not a good friend. If I ever see her again, I like to tell her I'm sorry, and ask for her forgiveness. I would not blame her if she did not. If one day, she comes up to me, and ask me to forgive her, I would. Because I'd know that she was sincere, and it came from the heart.
There is another girl. Officially, she never did anything to me, but she is someone I could never forgive. She is sweet and caring, and she is forgiving. But sometimes I suspect that those expressions of hers were not true, nor were they from her heart. To her, I believe, it is a duty and obligation to be sweet, caring, polite, forgiving, etc. But it's fake. It's all fake. I simply cannot be friends with a person who pretends to be someone she is not. How can I tell when she's being nice or when she's pretending to be nice? Okay, so you think it's not that bad. I thought so too. Until she damaged a friend's self-confidence and wrecked other relationships with friends as a way to hurt said friend. I simply cannot forgive her for doing so. Now, she asks for forgiveness from my friend, and my friend gladly accepts. I, on the other hand, cannot. I don't think I'll be able to forgive a person who has hurt me as deeply as she hurt my friend. Not because I'm stubborn (even though I am), but because I don't know if she's really a friend worth having when she's willing to betray me at any cost. I won't be able to trust her for even a second. And to me, when there's no trust between friends, there's no friendship.
People tell me that I should learn to be forgiving. I am only forgiving to those who are worth forgiving. I'm not being a selfish egomaniac here, I'm being true to my heart. What's the point of forgiving someone when deep inside, you really despise them and are wary of them? To me, forgiving is being able to open your heart, and say: "I'm sorry for what I have done, and I accept your apology for your past actions. Let it be a lesson to us, and let it strengthen our friendship". It is not, to me, a way of thinking: "Hey, I want to be thought of as an understanding person, who holds no grudges, and is willing to forgive anyone". Forgiveness is about being selective. If you forgave everyone who simply say "Sorry" without truly meaning it, forgiveness would not be such a difficult thing to do. It would not require you to open your heart, and search within yourself the courage to forgive. Instead, it would be as easy as breathing air. It would not mean as much.
So maybe you think my definition of forgiveness is warped, and I should learn to be more forgiving. I'm sorry, but you will not change me, nor will you change my thinking. Accept me as I am, just like the way I accept you. Love me the way I am - imperfect, flawed, but human. Force me to change... and you will force our friendship to break.
I know I'm being very harsh here. I always have. If you don't like it, leave. I know I have friends, real friends who understand, friends who are worth having... even if you're not.
Reading that particular entry, I agreed with how she reacted, although it was quite harsh and humiliating for the person involved, despite his name being changed to protect his identity. I know lots of people would rather she forgave the guy. After all, "to err is human; to forgive, divine" - (Alexander Pope). The thing is, we're not divine, we're humans.
If it was me, I would probably do the same thing. How can you forgive someone who not only didn't believe in you, but belittle everything you believe in and stand up for? How can you forgive someone who betrayed you in order to conform to the ideas of others? Okay, maybe you can. But I definitely can not.
I am quite selective as to what can be considered as forgiveness. There are some people in my life I would forgive in a heartbeat, while there are others I would never ever forgive.
There was a girl once in my life. She was a bully, using intimidation to scare those weaker than her to do her bidding. I refused to be bullied, but that didn't stop her from bullying my friends. Despite her many promises to change, she remained the same, old bully. After a while, I could tolerate her no more, and I cut off my ties with her. Years later, I hear that she's different. She is no longer a bully. To be honest, I was at fault too. I was too quick to judge her. I should have realized that she was too used to getting her own way, and I was asking too much of her when I asked her to change overnight. Things take time. Also, I should have helped her to change her ways, but I simply expected her to do it on her own. I admit, I was not a good friend. If I ever see her again, I like to tell her I'm sorry, and ask for her forgiveness. I would not blame her if she did not. If one day, she comes up to me, and ask me to forgive her, I would. Because I'd know that she was sincere, and it came from the heart.
There is another girl. Officially, she never did anything to me, but she is someone I could never forgive. She is sweet and caring, and she is forgiving. But sometimes I suspect that those expressions of hers were not true, nor were they from her heart. To her, I believe, it is a duty and obligation to be sweet, caring, polite, forgiving, etc. But it's fake. It's all fake. I simply cannot be friends with a person who pretends to be someone she is not. How can I tell when she's being nice or when she's pretending to be nice? Okay, so you think it's not that bad. I thought so too. Until she damaged a friend's self-confidence and wrecked other relationships with friends as a way to hurt said friend. I simply cannot forgive her for doing so. Now, she asks for forgiveness from my friend, and my friend gladly accepts. I, on the other hand, cannot. I don't think I'll be able to forgive a person who has hurt me as deeply as she hurt my friend. Not because I'm stubborn (even though I am), but because I don't know if she's really a friend worth having when she's willing to betray me at any cost. I won't be able to trust her for even a second. And to me, when there's no trust between friends, there's no friendship.
People tell me that I should learn to be forgiving. I am only forgiving to those who are worth forgiving. I'm not being a selfish egomaniac here, I'm being true to my heart. What's the point of forgiving someone when deep inside, you really despise them and are wary of them? To me, forgiving is being able to open your heart, and say: "I'm sorry for what I have done, and I accept your apology for your past actions. Let it be a lesson to us, and let it strengthen our friendship". It is not, to me, a way of thinking: "Hey, I want to be thought of as an understanding person, who holds no grudges, and is willing to forgive anyone". Forgiveness is about being selective. If you forgave everyone who simply say "Sorry" without truly meaning it, forgiveness would not be such a difficult thing to do. It would not require you to open your heart, and search within yourself the courage to forgive. Instead, it would be as easy as breathing air. It would not mean as much.
So maybe you think my definition of forgiveness is warped, and I should learn to be more forgiving. I'm sorry, but you will not change me, nor will you change my thinking. Accept me as I am, just like the way I accept you. Love me the way I am - imperfect, flawed, but human. Force me to change... and you will force our friendship to break.
I know I'm being very harsh here. I always have. If you don't like it, leave. I know I have friends, real friends who understand, friends who are worth having... even if you're not.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:32 AM
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fate crumbled all around 0 comments
Monday, January 02, 2006
I Can't Believe My First Blog Year Ended On Such An Emotional Note. No, Wait, Yes I Can...
Long title. I know. Just wanted to try out a super duper long title. Whee!
Well, judging by my nonsensical words, rest assured, I'm no longer feeling depressed. In fact, I'm much more cheery. Maybe it was releasing the emotion that did the trick. Maybe it was my nice, cool friend Shing Yee's comforting words. Maybe it was the awesome New Year's Eve party I went to. Maybe it's the New Year, and I spent time fooling around with my family. Maybe it's all of the above.
It's quite sad to see my first blog year ended on such negative, negative thoughts... especially when almost everyone's writing enlightening, positive end-of-year posts. Well, that's me, I guess. Take it, or leave it, I'll say. Not as if many people come here anyway... so I don't think I bummed out anyone before the New Year.
New Year's Eve was fun. I tagged along with my sis to her friend's party. What to do? My friends are too busy snoozing at home. Apparently, that's how they celebrate New Year's Eve. Go figure.
Anyway, the party's theme was oriental... or wear red. Maybe they're thinking of Chinese New Year, hmm? My sis borrowed a pinkish/purplish chinese top from my mom, while I wore this light yellow chinese top I had from when I was 12 or 13. Of course it doesn't fit... seeing how I've gained quite some weight since then. So I wore it as a jacket thingy. We left home about 8:05pm. The party starts at 8:30pm, but that's not why we left early. You see, my parents have friends over for pot luck. The dinner was supposed to start at 7:30pm, but we Malaysians ah, know that we have to befashionably late... so the guests came flooding in about 8pm. The place was busy with people, so we decided to flee the scene.
(Rant: For some unknown reason, my mom's friend's daughter - whom I know - shouted in my face: "YOU ALSO GOING OUT AH!!" when she saw me coming out from my room... she knew my sis was going out, but she didn't know I was. But still... that was weird and random. Not to mention extremely rude.)
I felt odd at first at the party. I didn't know any of them. Plus, they were drinking. A lot. Downing shots like there's no tomorrow. And me? I hardly drink alcohol... except for the odd cocktail or Baileys. So, I held onto my cocktail glass, drinking quietly, people watching. I started feeling regretful for following along. I mean, I had to pay $10 to go in... I thought it was for drinks as well as food. It was mostly for drinks. They had a bar where they mix the drinks... and boy, was it busy all night!
I tried talking with some of them. But when they see a friend of theirs coming into the house, they'd go and greet them, and... disappear. A friendly girl appeared, but she lacked conversational skills. I found myself unconsciously counting the number of "ohh's" she used. Funny, ain't it? That someone can be both friendly and boring at the same time. Now I've seen everything. So, basically, I tagged along behind my sis. But that was useless. They'd start talking stuff that are private, so I had to turn away. Later, I pitied my sis and sat alone on a barstool, and watched people singing SingStar. The night was turning boring, and it wasn't even 11pm!!
Then, as the clock advanced towards midnight, my sis came towards me, bringing her friends with her. One of her friends was quite nice to me, seeing how he amused me by letting me ask him loads of questions about his samurai-like outfit. Poor guy. Cute, though. In fact, there were an abundance of hot guys (as well as hot girls) at the party. Hehe.
Then, there were the countdowns. Yes, countdowns. There were several that night, but not all were countdowns to midnight. There was a shots countdown, I believe. Later, by midnight, people were so high in alcohol level that none of them could agree on which timing to follow - the clock, someone's watch, or the clock on the tv screen. Which explains the several countdowns.
For some reason, the hype seemed to die down after midnight. More people sang SingStar, although many were tone deaf. It was all in good fun, and everyone had laughs. When my sis and I decided to go home, her friends were reluctant to let us leave. When I say reluctant, I mean I had two cute guys hugging me, refusing to let go. Which isn't so bad, really. They wanted us to stay the night - many people were - but we preferred our own beds. Then, they started dragging, trying to get us to stay, and that was when the real fun began. We chatted. Yes, to me, getting to know people is the fun part of a party. Seeing people dance like crazy is fun too, admittedly, but I prefer getting to know them more.
It was nice. We talked and we joked and we laughed. By the time my sis and I did leave, I found myself looking forward to meeting them again.
Despite them being a drinking lot, they were alright. When a girl at the party was sick, many helped. Everyone was concerned. Although they drank a lot, they didn't pressure me to drink, knowing fully well that I don't. Unlike some people I met, they didn't say: "You have to learn to like drinking". Those who were driving made sure they had no more than 2 drinks.
It's about controlling yourself. Like my sis, who once had a terrible night binge drinking, decided to drink less. It's all about self-control. When I left home, one of my mom's friend's daughter (the sis of the one in my rant) told me: "You're gonna get drunk tonight" with a smile... like it was a good thing. I know she drinks a lot, so maybe getting drunk is her idea of fun, but it isn't for me. And I proved her wrong. I was tempted to get slammed like so many others at the party, but I knew it wasn't good, so I didn't. Like I said, it's all about self-control. If you can't control yourself, shame on you then. I know I sound condescending, but it's how I feel.
All in all, it was an awesome night.
Well, judging by my nonsensical words, rest assured, I'm no longer feeling depressed. In fact, I'm much more cheery. Maybe it was releasing the emotion that did the trick. Maybe it was my nice, cool friend Shing Yee's comforting words. Maybe it was the awesome New Year's Eve party I went to. Maybe it's the New Year, and I spent time fooling around with my family. Maybe it's all of the above.
It's quite sad to see my first blog year ended on such negative, negative thoughts... especially when almost everyone's writing enlightening, positive end-of-year posts. Well, that's me, I guess. Take it, or leave it, I'll say. Not as if many people come here anyway... so I don't think I bummed out anyone before the New Year.
New Year's Eve was fun. I tagged along with my sis to her friend's party. What to do? My friends are too busy snoozing at home. Apparently, that's how they celebrate New Year's Eve. Go figure.
Anyway, the party's theme was oriental... or wear red. Maybe they're thinking of Chinese New Year, hmm? My sis borrowed a pinkish/purplish chinese top from my mom, while I wore this light yellow chinese top I had from when I was 12 or 13. Of course it doesn't fit... seeing how I've gained quite some weight since then. So I wore it as a jacket thingy. We left home about 8:05pm. The party starts at 8:30pm, but that's not why we left early. You see, my parents have friends over for pot luck. The dinner was supposed to start at 7:30pm, but we Malaysians ah, know that we have to be
(Rant: For some unknown reason, my mom's friend's daughter - whom I know - shouted in my face: "YOU ALSO GOING OUT AH!!" when she saw me coming out from my room... she knew my sis was going out, but she didn't know I was. But still... that was weird and random. Not to mention extremely rude.)
I felt odd at first at the party. I didn't know any of them. Plus, they were drinking. A lot. Downing shots like there's no tomorrow. And me? I hardly drink alcohol... except for the odd cocktail or Baileys. So, I held onto my cocktail glass, drinking quietly, people watching. I started feeling regretful for following along. I mean, I had to pay $10 to go in... I thought it was for drinks as well as food. It was mostly for drinks. They had a bar where they mix the drinks... and boy, was it busy all night!
I tried talking with some of them. But when they see a friend of theirs coming into the house, they'd go and greet them, and... disappear. A friendly girl appeared, but she lacked conversational skills. I found myself unconsciously counting the number of "ohh's" she used. Funny, ain't it? That someone can be both friendly and boring at the same time. Now I've seen everything. So, basically, I tagged along behind my sis. But that was useless. They'd start talking stuff that are private, so I had to turn away. Later, I pitied my sis and sat alone on a barstool, and watched people singing SingStar. The night was turning boring, and it wasn't even 11pm!!
Then, as the clock advanced towards midnight, my sis came towards me, bringing her friends with her. One of her friends was quite nice to me, seeing how he amused me by letting me ask him loads of questions about his samurai-like outfit. Poor guy. Cute, though. In fact, there were an abundance of hot guys (as well as hot girls) at the party. Hehe.
Then, there were the countdowns. Yes, countdowns. There were several that night, but not all were countdowns to midnight. There was a shots countdown, I believe. Later, by midnight, people were so high in alcohol level that none of them could agree on which timing to follow - the clock, someone's watch, or the clock on the tv screen. Which explains the several countdowns.
For some reason, the hype seemed to die down after midnight. More people sang SingStar, although many were tone deaf. It was all in good fun, and everyone had laughs. When my sis and I decided to go home, her friends were reluctant to let us leave. When I say reluctant, I mean I had two cute guys hugging me, refusing to let go. Which isn't so bad, really. They wanted us to stay the night - many people were - but we preferred our own beds. Then, they started dragging, trying to get us to stay, and that was when the real fun began. We chatted. Yes, to me, getting to know people is the fun part of a party. Seeing people dance like crazy is fun too, admittedly, but I prefer getting to know them more.
It was nice. We talked and we joked and we laughed. By the time my sis and I did leave, I found myself looking forward to meeting them again.
Despite them being a drinking lot, they were alright. When a girl at the party was sick, many helped. Everyone was concerned. Although they drank a lot, they didn't pressure me to drink, knowing fully well that I don't. Unlike some people I met, they didn't say: "You have to learn to like drinking". Those who were driving made sure they had no more than 2 drinks.
It's about controlling yourself. Like my sis, who once had a terrible night binge drinking, decided to drink less. It's all about self-control. When I left home, one of my mom's friend's daughter (the sis of the one in my rant) told me: "You're gonna get drunk tonight" with a smile... like it was a good thing. I know she drinks a lot, so maybe getting drunk is her idea of fun, but it isn't for me. And I proved her wrong. I was tempted to get slammed like so many others at the party, but I knew it wasn't good, so I didn't. Like I said, it's all about self-control. If you can't control yourself, shame on you then. I know I sound condescending, but it's how I feel.
All in all, it was an awesome night.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:18 AM
fate crumbled all around 3 comments
fate crumbled all around 3 comments