Wednesday, January 04, 2006
About Forgiveness
Let me warn you, despite my cheery last post, this is not one. I tend to be harsh sometimes when I write, and today will be no exception. I was reading Xia Xue's blog today, and I came across this entry. Usually, I don't read her blog, mostly because she's too bitchy for my liking, and because her posts are damn long, and she updates way too often for me to catch up. But once in a while, I do visit it.
Reading that particular entry, I agreed with how she reacted, although it was quite harsh and humiliating for the person involved, despite his name being changed to protect his identity. I know lots of people would rather she forgave the guy. After all, "to err is human; to forgive, divine" - (Alexander Pope). The thing is, we're not divine, we're humans.
If it was me, I would probably do the same thing. How can you forgive someone who not only didn't believe in you, but belittle everything you believe in and stand up for? How can you forgive someone who betrayed you in order to conform to the ideas of others? Okay, maybe you can. But I definitely can not.
I am quite selective as to what can be considered as forgiveness. There are some people in my life I would forgive in a heartbeat, while there are others I would never ever forgive.
There was a girl once in my life. She was a bully, using intimidation to scare those weaker than her to do her bidding. I refused to be bullied, but that didn't stop her from bullying my friends. Despite her many promises to change, she remained the same, old bully. After a while, I could tolerate her no more, and I cut off my ties with her. Years later, I hear that she's different. She is no longer a bully. To be honest, I was at fault too. I was too quick to judge her. I should have realized that she was too used to getting her own way, and I was asking too much of her when I asked her to change overnight. Things take time. Also, I should have helped her to change her ways, but I simply expected her to do it on her own. I admit, I was not a good friend. If I ever see her again, I like to tell her I'm sorry, and ask for her forgiveness. I would not blame her if she did not. If one day, she comes up to me, and ask me to forgive her, I would. Because I'd know that she was sincere, and it came from the heart.
There is another girl. Officially, she never did anything to me, but she is someone I could never forgive. She is sweet and caring, and she is forgiving. But sometimes I suspect that those expressions of hers were not true, nor were they from her heart. To her, I believe, it is a duty and obligation to be sweet, caring, polite, forgiving, etc. But it's fake. It's all fake. I simply cannot be friends with a person who pretends to be someone she is not. How can I tell when she's being nice or when she's pretending to be nice? Okay, so you think it's not that bad. I thought so too. Until she damaged a friend's self-confidence and wrecked other relationships with friends as a way to hurt said friend. I simply cannot forgive her for doing so. Now, she asks for forgiveness from my friend, and my friend gladly accepts. I, on the other hand, cannot. I don't think I'll be able to forgive a person who has hurt me as deeply as she hurt my friend. Not because I'm stubborn (even though I am), but because I don't know if she's really a friend worth having when she's willing to betray me at any cost. I won't be able to trust her for even a second. And to me, when there's no trust between friends, there's no friendship.
People tell me that I should learn to be forgiving. I am only forgiving to those who are worth forgiving. I'm not being a selfish egomaniac here, I'm being true to my heart. What's the point of forgiving someone when deep inside, you really despise them and are wary of them? To me, forgiving is being able to open your heart, and say: "I'm sorry for what I have done, and I accept your apology for your past actions. Let it be a lesson to us, and let it strengthen our friendship". It is not, to me, a way of thinking: "Hey, I want to be thought of as an understanding person, who holds no grudges, and is willing to forgive anyone". Forgiveness is about being selective. If you forgave everyone who simply say "Sorry" without truly meaning it, forgiveness would not be such a difficult thing to do. It would not require you to open your heart, and search within yourself the courage to forgive. Instead, it would be as easy as breathing air. It would not mean as much.
So maybe you think my definition of forgiveness is warped, and I should learn to be more forgiving. I'm sorry, but you will not change me, nor will you change my thinking. Accept me as I am, just like the way I accept you. Love me the way I am - imperfect, flawed, but human. Force me to change... and you will force our friendship to break.
I know I'm being very harsh here. I always have. If you don't like it, leave. I know I have friends, real friends who understand, friends who are worth having... even if you're not.
Reading that particular entry, I agreed with how she reacted, although it was quite harsh and humiliating for the person involved, despite his name being changed to protect his identity. I know lots of people would rather she forgave the guy. After all, "to err is human; to forgive, divine" - (Alexander Pope). The thing is, we're not divine, we're humans.
If it was me, I would probably do the same thing. How can you forgive someone who not only didn't believe in you, but belittle everything you believe in and stand up for? How can you forgive someone who betrayed you in order to conform to the ideas of others? Okay, maybe you can. But I definitely can not.
I am quite selective as to what can be considered as forgiveness. There are some people in my life I would forgive in a heartbeat, while there are others I would never ever forgive.
There was a girl once in my life. She was a bully, using intimidation to scare those weaker than her to do her bidding. I refused to be bullied, but that didn't stop her from bullying my friends. Despite her many promises to change, she remained the same, old bully. After a while, I could tolerate her no more, and I cut off my ties with her. Years later, I hear that she's different. She is no longer a bully. To be honest, I was at fault too. I was too quick to judge her. I should have realized that she was too used to getting her own way, and I was asking too much of her when I asked her to change overnight. Things take time. Also, I should have helped her to change her ways, but I simply expected her to do it on her own. I admit, I was not a good friend. If I ever see her again, I like to tell her I'm sorry, and ask for her forgiveness. I would not blame her if she did not. If one day, she comes up to me, and ask me to forgive her, I would. Because I'd know that she was sincere, and it came from the heart.
There is another girl. Officially, she never did anything to me, but she is someone I could never forgive. She is sweet and caring, and she is forgiving. But sometimes I suspect that those expressions of hers were not true, nor were they from her heart. To her, I believe, it is a duty and obligation to be sweet, caring, polite, forgiving, etc. But it's fake. It's all fake. I simply cannot be friends with a person who pretends to be someone she is not. How can I tell when she's being nice or when she's pretending to be nice? Okay, so you think it's not that bad. I thought so too. Until she damaged a friend's self-confidence and wrecked other relationships with friends as a way to hurt said friend. I simply cannot forgive her for doing so. Now, she asks for forgiveness from my friend, and my friend gladly accepts. I, on the other hand, cannot. I don't think I'll be able to forgive a person who has hurt me as deeply as she hurt my friend. Not because I'm stubborn (even though I am), but because I don't know if she's really a friend worth having when she's willing to betray me at any cost. I won't be able to trust her for even a second. And to me, when there's no trust between friends, there's no friendship.
People tell me that I should learn to be forgiving. I am only forgiving to those who are worth forgiving. I'm not being a selfish egomaniac here, I'm being true to my heart. What's the point of forgiving someone when deep inside, you really despise them and are wary of them? To me, forgiving is being able to open your heart, and say: "I'm sorry for what I have done, and I accept your apology for your past actions. Let it be a lesson to us, and let it strengthen our friendship". It is not, to me, a way of thinking: "Hey, I want to be thought of as an understanding person, who holds no grudges, and is willing to forgive anyone". Forgiveness is about being selective. If you forgave everyone who simply say "Sorry" without truly meaning it, forgiveness would not be such a difficult thing to do. It would not require you to open your heart, and search within yourself the courage to forgive. Instead, it would be as easy as breathing air. It would not mean as much.
So maybe you think my definition of forgiveness is warped, and I should learn to be more forgiving. I'm sorry, but you will not change me, nor will you change my thinking. Accept me as I am, just like the way I accept you. Love me the way I am - imperfect, flawed, but human. Force me to change... and you will force our friendship to break.
I know I'm being very harsh here. I always have. If you don't like it, leave. I know I have friends, real friends who understand, friends who are worth having... even if you're not.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:32 AM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments