Thursday, May 25, 2006

Enjoy The Moment

Tonight (or is it last night? hehe!), I went out with a couple of friends from high school. It was so nice to just hang out and see each other. I noticed how much they've changed, and they noticed the change in me too.

I guess change is inevitable. It could be for the better, it could be for the worse. Whatever it is, it can't be undone. I was about to worry again, of what people would think of me after seeing so much of me has changed, but I stopped myself. Why not just enjoy the moment?

I think too much, make a fuss out of nothing, and I overreact. Might as well savour the moment, and enjoy life! Tonight was just what I needed after being burdened with assignments all week. Life isn't always good.. You just have to make it so.

i know that i have loved you ... at 12:41 AM
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Brutality of Honesty

Honesty is brutal. No matter how nicely you phrase it, how much you try to soften the blow, it is still that.

I want you to be honest with me, and not let me be blind to my own flaws. But that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

I say I want things to be clear when it comes to the truth, and I rather let the painful truth torment me than live in blissful ignorance... but I don't know what I want anymore.

Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy.

Note: Don't ask me who this is about. I won't tell.

i know that i have loved you ... at 7:58 AM
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Open Your Eyes and Judge For Yourself Before You Start Accusing!

Let me say this once, and once only.. I HATE being accused of doing something I DID NOT do! To even freaking imply that I would lie, while she wouldn't... it's just preposterous! Thanks for not allowing me even the benefit of a doubt. I can see my friendship means nothing compared to your friendship with her.

I thought I was being a good friend by lending a listening ear. She can't talk to him, because it's about him. So she comes to me, pours her heart out, making me feel bad for her, but also making me feel kinda honoured at the same time that she would confide in me... except she would turn around, and twist the story another way so that she could bond with him.

I don't care if you think I'm being too sensitive and too defensive. I DON'T CARE. How dare you even come to me and say those things to me when I had an assignment to rush! How dare you!

I could defend myself. I even have 'evidence' to back me up. But I don't want to show it to you, like I'm trying to save my sorry ~~ass~~ by making feeble excuses. I don't need to prove myself to you.

I had to go back to this again, something I wrote early this year, something I need to revisit:

Principle #2: Don't ever compromise yourself for others.

And maybe for once, I will really follow my own principles. Let's see if I've learnt my lesson.

i know that i have loved you ... at 7:52 AM
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Don't They Know How To Stop?

At first, I thought they didn't know when to stop. But actually, they just don't know how to stop.

I came so close to screaming my lungs out. Instead, I bent down, put my hands through my hair, actually pull it so much that it hurts (yet not actually pull out any hair fibres), and let out a silent scream.

My head hurts, and I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't need this. I have 5 assignments to do, and exams are just less than a month away. Why can't they just stop it, and let it be?

All this drama and artificiality... it makes me sick.

One day, I won't be able to take it anymore, and I'll just... I don't actually know what I'll do. Explode? Scream? No, I'll just quit the group for good.

Right now, I'll tolerate as much as I can. Who knows how long that will last?

i know that i have loved you ... at 1:26 PM
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Monday, May 15, 2006

Just A Quick One

I'm about to leave uni, so I thought I write a little something before I go. Let's face it, I'm not gonna get anything done tonight.

Just spent a bit of time listening to a friend talk.

Sometimes, it's really nice just to listen to other people for a change. Just listen, but not do anything about it. It's a way to get to know that person better, a way to get closer. But at the same time, knowing I can't do anything about it... Makes me wish I rather not have known in the first place.

Sigh. Why is life always so complicated? Aah, gotta go and return the laptop back to IC!

i know that i have loved you ... at 9:39 PM
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Drifting Apart

It's so odd these days. I get closer to my newer friends than my older ones. It's not that I'm dumping my older friends for the new, it's just... things change.

Some friends seem to slip away. We don't see each other as much anymore, and we don't talk as much anymore. They're either too wrapped up in other people's problems, or they're not wrapped up enough. Does that even make sense?

I wish I could talk to you about certain things, but I know you don't want to listen to them.

So now, I think I've been latching onto a particular friend too much. He seems to be the only one not drifting away, the only one who's been the same as before. Even when the person I want to call is you, I call him instead.

I know you don't want to get involved in all the drama that's been going on, and you want to avoid it as much as possible, but it almost feels like you're avoiding me too. I know that's not your intention. I know.

I just wish you even know we're drifting apart.

i know that i have loved you ... at 2:21 AM
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I Wish I Didn't Love You So Much

Sometimes, I think you do it on purpose. You inflict pain on the rest of us, and you try to pick a fight, as if peace and quiet are too much for you to handle.

It's such a pity that I love you so much. (Are you even aware of that?) Because if I didn't love you at all, life would be so much easier. I won't have to pretend your words don't stab me like the cold blade of a dagger. I won't have to try to swallow my tears, which should be bitter but aren't.

Sometimes, I wonder if you love me even a little. Or if you don't, do you like me at all? Tell me you hate me, even. At least I know there's some emotion there, rather than having utter nothingness. I can't stand being invisible in your eyes.

If only I didn't love you.. Things would be so much easier, and less painful.

i know that i have loved you ... at 2:03 AM
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

There Are Bad Days, And There Are Good Days

Maybe it's because of the presence of bad days that occur more than good ones, I get really happy when I have a good day. Funny how we can only appreciate the good things in life when we have something bad to compared to. Geez.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a good day. In fact, I'm still happy from last night. No, not hyperactive-I-had-too-much-sugar-happy. I am so not high all the time, contrary to popular belief. I just choose to be so at times. It's more entertaining.

Thank you, Big Uncle for dropping me home, and Small Uncle for not making Big Uncle abandon me. Thank you so much laaaa. Must do this more often - all the singing aloud in the car, swerving to the side of the road for Momo's (then leave 3 seconds later), making crude jokes. Too bad Jackie wasn't there.. otherwise we'll be the Paihia gang, reunited!

Thank you to you-know-who for the very... interesting phone call. I think we're supposed to feel at least a little awkward with each other, although I have a feeling that we won't. It's so not normal that we're so at ease with one another. Hmm... is that a good thing? Or bad thing?

i know that i have loved you ... at 8:16 AM
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Yesterday Was A Very Normal Day

warning: long post ahead!

Yesterday was one of those days.

There were several talks, talks I rather not have. It just gives me too much conflicted feelings, and perhaps too much insight on other people's relationships. Some frustrate me to bits, to the extent where I wanna tear my hair out and scream, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Others make me sad, especially when I know I can't get myself involved, although I want to help.

Situation #1:
Two guys, previously good friends, currently not even talking to one another. They tell their side of the story to several people, in which each retelling is transformed and mutated into something so different... that no one knows what's true anymore. They force their friends to take sides, not knowing the pain and agony we go through for their sakes.

All this over a misunderstanding that could have been solved easily enough if only they could swallow their damn pride and see past their anger. I wish I could just slap the two of them, and tell them to freaking wake up already! Nothing can be worth destroying a friendship for, especially not a misunderstanding.

Situation #2:
Two girls, previously good friends, currently avoiding each other as much as they can. They tell me their side of the story, but while listening to them, I noticed something... Everything they say is the same, except that they're talking about each other! I don't know if I find this funny (funny-peculiar, not funny-haha), or if I find this sad. I've always thought they know more about each other than anyone else in our group of friends, but this just shows that it's not true. In fact, they don't seem to know about each other at all.

It makes me wish I could just let them know what they both think about the other. If they would just talk, truthfully, to one another... I'm pretty sure things will work out in the end. But they're both so unwilling to confront each other, and so determined in thinking they're right.

Situation #3:
One guy and one girl, previously good friends, currently pretending that they are still good friends. Something happened between them, something that crossed the barrier of friendship a while ago. They were quick to recover from the incident, preferring to remain friends. I was so amazed that they were so clever in handling the situation, that they could see past awkwardness, and preserve their friendship. I was wrong. Although they are close, there's still something there that's just... not right. They're not as close as they used to be, although they want to be.

I wish I could tell them to be honest, really honest like they said they would. Then perhaps they could get what they want - the closeness they once shared and now yearn for.

The thing about these three situations is the fact that I want to help, yet I can't. I know I can't get myself involved in their problems. I don't want to make things worse than they already are. And it is their problem, not mine. They have to be the one to make things right again... I can only listen when they need a listening ear, and be as good a friend as I can be. There's also the fact that I can't take the burden of my friends. It hurts too much. I'm already laden with my own worries. I can't take on other people's worries as well. I'm stressed enough as it is, and when I'm stressed out, I tend to take it out on other people... and that's not fair at all.

*****

On a lighter note:

I had a weird dream the night before. I dreamed that a friend of mine died in an accident, and I cried, half-awake and half-asleep. Somehow, I knew it was just a dream, so I just continued sleeping.

I don't quite understand the dream, although I hardly understand any of my dreams anyway... seeing as most of them are quite nonsensical. Maybe it's because death has been on my mind lately (see my previous post). Or maybe it's because I've been dealing with the theme of death in my English literature class. Or maybe it's because it's autumn, when leaves are falling off branches, leaving bare and almost dying trees. Who knows? It's probably a combination of everything, and most likely, me being melodramatic again.

I just hope it's not some kind of omen. Even if my friends make me stressed and worried, I still like them to be all among the living. I rather suffer these bouts of depression that seem to infect me every now and then, than suffer the loss of my friends.

i know that i have loved you ... at 9:22 AM
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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Life's Too Short

People always say "life's too short", and that we should live every day like it's our last... but how many of us actually do it? Do we really want to go through every day like it's the last day? Wouldn't that just be really depressing?

Yes, I know that it means you're supposed to appreciate everything you've got, and actually enjoy life. It's just easier said than done.

Recently, I heard from a friend that her friend's dying from a tumour. It really shocked me. Even though it isn't someone I know... the fact that it's someone our age.. The prospect of it just scares me.

A thought struck me: What if I die tomorrow?

I will never be able to go to Venice and float along the river in a gondola. I will never be able to watch a play on Broadway in New York. Or go to China and see my grandmother's hometown. Or finish my undergraduate degree. Or read the neverending list of books I've always wanted to read. Or master Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Or say "I love you".

It's the last one that seems the most possible and the most impossible at the same time. Perhaps it's my Asian upbringing, or simply my non-sentimental family.. but saying "I love you" is just something I can't manage. I could say it in jest, but to say it seriously? Impossible. To write it down already takes a tremendous amount of courage. To say it aloud suggests I have more courage than I actually do.

So forgive me for not being able to say it. That doesn't mean that I don't mean it. I try to show it, and if you think that I'm not showing that I love you, please try to keep in mind that I'm trying my best.

No matter how long we've known each other, how much we understand each other, I still love and care for you. Even if we've grown apart, even if we don't talk anymore, that doesn't mean you're gone from my heart.

I love you all.

Maybe someday, I can say it aloud.