Monday, June 12, 2006

"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

"It's not what's outside, it's what's inside that counts."

"Appearances are not important, it's who you are that is important."

How many times have you heard the above sentences before? Many times, I would believe. Parents, teachers, friends... even Hollywood movies (occasionally) tell us so. They are good messages. They tell us that appearances aren't everything. It's who we are as people: our moral value, our personality, our integrity, our... inner beauty, if you will, that matters most of all. You may not be beautiful on the outside, but you may dazzle with the brilliance of a thousand suns on the inside.

What a freaking cliche.

It's not that I disagree. Oh, I agree wholeheartedly, seeing as I'm not one of those beautiful people you see on magazines, television, or even on the street. I am plain. I know that, and I can accept it. I don't need to be beautiful on the outside to know I deserve happiness like everyone else. Except... I'm not that beautiful on the inside, either. Like my appearance, I'm plain on the inside. So sometimes, I wonder, does that make me less deserving?

I'll admit, I have bad thoughts sometimes, especially when I'm in a rage. I'd wish some people would just drop dead and die. I've enjoyed seeing some people suffer, and I even make them suffer. And sometimes, I have absolutely no empathy at all. I admit to all those crimes. Right now, I feel like the ugliest person on earth.

But I regret having those thoughts. I regret my actions and behavior, especially when I actually contribute to other people's suffering. I am not so cold and cruel as to believe my every action to be right. And I try my best to be a good person: a good student, friend, daughter... but it's just not that easy. I slip, and I forget sometimes... And the ugly side of me rears its horrendous head, scaring even me.

So I'm not beautiful inside. In fact, I can be very, very ugly at times. Does that mean I'm less deserving of life and happiness than others?

I'm not always ugly on the inside. I may not radiate with purity and goodness like some people, but I definitely try my best to be good. And effort and sincerity should count towards something, shouldn't they?

I don't need to be beautiful on the inside to deserve the happiness every human being should have the right towards. I don't. I try my best, and I am sincere... and that, should be sufficient enough.

I wish I didn't need to remind myself of that everyday.