Saturday, March 18, 2006
Breaking Down
I broke down last night. It was so stupid, really. I was so desperate for some company, and so desperate to get out of the house that I rang a friend. He had dropped me home earlier, and I thought maybe he was still nearby. It was so embarassing, the way I babbled into the phone, and never even told him who I was. He must have noticed I was kinda distressed, because later on, another friend texted me and rang me up to see if I was okay. I even rang up another friend, thinking he'd be at uni, studying. That was how desperate I was to escape the house - I'd rather go to uni (at night)! He was at home, though. By then, I couldn't even stop myself from babbling even further. It was both stupid and embarassing.
I can't believe I let myself break down like that in front of my friends. I hardly ever do that. But the more I told myself I was okay, I was tough... the more vulnerable I felt.
The text messages and phone calls I received... they made me cry even harder. I was feeling worthless, feeling like I was trash because of someone I love. Yet, people whom I've known for a shorter time were concerned about me, and that made me feel so bitter. How can I feel so loved, and unloved, at the same time?
Things will change, I think, with those friends. Even if just a little. I let my guard down for a while and exposed myself. But I can't share what happened last night with them. I can't share with anyone. My heart's still weak from the crying, and I feel too feeble. I don't want to be vulnerable again. I can't take it.
I thought I could smile today, and be my usual hyperactive self. But I can't. It's too painful. I'll avoid people for a while. Just a while. I'll be normal again. I need things to be normal. I don't want to break down again.
I am tough. I am strong. I can do this.
I can't believe I let myself break down like that in front of my friends. I hardly ever do that. But the more I told myself I was okay, I was tough... the more vulnerable I felt.
The text messages and phone calls I received... they made me cry even harder. I was feeling worthless, feeling like I was trash because of someone I love. Yet, people whom I've known for a shorter time were concerned about me, and that made me feel so bitter. How can I feel so loved, and unloved, at the same time?
Things will change, I think, with those friends. Even if just a little. I let my guard down for a while and exposed myself. But I can't share what happened last night with them. I can't share with anyone. My heart's still weak from the crying, and I feel too feeble. I don't want to be vulnerable again. I can't take it.
I thought I could smile today, and be my usual hyperactive self. But I can't. It's too painful. I'll avoid people for a while. Just a while. I'll be normal again. I need things to be normal. I don't want to break down again.
I am tough. I am strong. I can do this.
i know that i have loved you ... at 10:42 AM
fate crumbled all around 4 comments
fate crumbled all around 4 comments