Friday, December 30, 2005
I Want To Cry
I thought I could accept change. But I couldn't. It hurts so much to know that there's nothing else I can do, except to accept it. Change is inevitable, I know that. But why?
I got a Christmas card from Lalitha today. There was a letter enclosed. I wanted to cry when I read: "King San and I are not that close anymore". I thought I was affected by change because I'm all the way over here in NZ. But even my friends, who study in the same school, are affected. I just can't accept this. Sometimes, I'd tell myself, "If I haven't left M'sia, everything would still be the same". But it isn't true, is it? No matter what, things will change. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Change, dreaded change, is inevitable.
Inevitable. I hate that word. I HATE THAT WORD! I want to cry. Really. I want to. Some people think I'm strong, and I try to be, but sometimes, I'm not strong. Not at all. The worst thing is, I can't bring myself to cry. I can't even relief this pain, this sharp thrust of pain in my heart - like someone took a dagger, stick it into me, and twist it.
The thing is, in Lalitha's letter, she wrote that she was "still the same old Lalitha". Except she isn't. How could she? How can you be the same person when a relationship changes? How? Being friends with Lalitha and King San... it's a part of who I am. If I lose that, do I lose me?
We used to be so close. The three of us. We did so many things together: we dreamed, we fought, we loved. Now it's just... Everything is in past tense now. 'We' don't exist anymore. There's only me, and her, and her. No longer 'us'.
I want to cry. Why can't I? I can feel my emotions, I can feel my eyes sting. But why can't I cry? Why can't Ifucking cry?
I cried a few days ago. I was angry. If I can cry when I'm mad, why not when I'm sad? It kills me that I can't even release this pain I feel inside.
I need to take a shower, and pretend that it's my tears that are raining down my face.
I got a Christmas card from Lalitha today. There was a letter enclosed. I wanted to cry when I read: "King San and I are not that close anymore". I thought I was affected by change because I'm all the way over here in NZ. But even my friends, who study in the same school, are affected. I just can't accept this. Sometimes, I'd tell myself, "If I haven't left M'sia, everything would still be the same". But it isn't true, is it? No matter what, things will change. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Change, dreaded change, is inevitable.
Inevitable. I hate that word. I HATE THAT WORD! I want to cry. Really. I want to. Some people think I'm strong, and I try to be, but sometimes, I'm not strong. Not at all. The worst thing is, I can't bring myself to cry. I can't even relief this pain, this sharp thrust of pain in my heart - like someone took a dagger, stick it into me, and twist it.
The thing is, in Lalitha's letter, she wrote that she was "still the same old Lalitha". Except she isn't. How could she? How can you be the same person when a relationship changes? How? Being friends with Lalitha and King San... it's a part of who I am. If I lose that, do I lose me?
We used to be so close. The three of us. We did so many things together: we dreamed, we fought, we loved. Now it's just... Everything is in past tense now. 'We' don't exist anymore. There's only me, and her, and her. No longer 'us'.
I want to cry. Why can't I? I can feel my emotions, I can feel my eyes sting. But why can't I cry? Why can't I
I cried a few days ago. I was angry. If I can cry when I'm mad, why not when I'm sad? It kills me that I can't even release this pain I feel inside.
I need to take a shower, and pretend that it's my tears that are raining down my face.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:27 PM
fate crumbled all around 1 comments
fate crumbled all around 1 comments