Sunday, December 11, 2005
Crushed Like A Bug
A week ago, I called up my bank to subscribe to their rewards points programme for my credit card. While processing my account, the polite man over the phone asked if I would do a survey. "Sure," I said. I was bored, and I didn't want to listen to my own breathing while waiting for my account to be processed (I tend to sound like a stalker with heavy breathing when I'm on hold on the phone). There were the usual suspects, such as what sports/interests do you have. That sorta thing. Then, there was one question, which sounded sorta out-of-place. "Do you like change?" I was stuck. I mumbled, "Yeah." But like most people during surveys, I wasn't really being totally honest. It wasn't a question I could say "yes" or "no" to, and I seriously doubt the man wanted an answer with more than one syllable.
Do I like change? It depends, really. If things go my way, then yeah, I'm all for it. But if things go downhill, then hell, no. But it still depends on the situations, and what results from those situations.
For example, life changed for me when I left for New Zealand. Do I like this change?
In general, yes. I enjoyed the high school education system over here way more than back in Malaysia. I loved the fact that I made many friends from different countries. I love the variety of courses available in uni, which might not be available back home. I love the clean air, the beautiful scenery, the theatre.
At the same time, there's many things I would rather be the same. I miss the fact that there are no mamak stalls or pasar malams. I wish shopping malls were more like the ones back home. I miss the close-knit feeling you have in class in high school - where every student know each other. I miss the same all-year-round weather - no change of seasons. I miss the relationship I had with some friends that inevitably changed when I left.
I think, one of the worst change I had was the change in friendship with some friends. With some of my closest friends, my move to NZ not only strengthened our friendship, but also deepened our understanding of each other. With several friends, we did the Net Buddy thing, forwarding mails, adding each other to online address books, adding each other in Friendster. Nothing more, nothing less. But with some friends, things went wrong. We sent emails, which started out from weekly, to monthly, to nothing. For a year, we had no contact. Things became awkward. When these friends were online on my MSN messenger, I put my status to "Appear Offline" in order to avoid them. Later, I blocked them, so they couldn't even see when I was online. It was odd, at first. We were such good friends back home. Slowly, I began to accept it. I told myself: "Things were bound to change anyway." I never thought that by not doing anything, I was facilitating the change myself.
Then, I went home for a 2-month holiday. It took me a while, but I decided to contact these friends. I thought everything was going to be like it used to be. How wrong I was! With one of my friends, things went back to normal. It's almost as if that one year of silence never even happened. But with another... things became worse. While I was back in Malaysia, I heard of something bad of her. I thought it could be just a nasty rumor, seeing as how it was told by someone who disliked her. Then I heard it from the horse's mouth. It was true. I don't want to go into details here, and I don't think the persons involved would want me to tell others... But what happened is this: she betrayed a trusted and loved teacher. Accusations flew everywhere, and reputations were ruined. But worst of all, trust was betrayed.
Out of a sense of duty and loyalty to my teacher, I stopped having contact with this 'friend'. Yet, I felt conflicted. Friendship means a lot to me, and that includes understanding and forgiveness. But loyalty is as important to me as well. What was I to do? Instead of confronting this friend, I avoided her. For a year.
A few days ago, I was online, when she signed on to MSN messenger. My first thought was to avoid her. But as I thought about it, I was plagued by my own guilt. I thought, "I need to give her a chance to explain, at least. She deserves that." So, I summoned all my courage and sent her a message.
Change... do I like it? I won't exactly say that I'll welcome it with open arms, that's for sure.
Do I like change? It depends, really. If things go my way, then yeah, I'm all for it. But if things go downhill, then hell, no. But it still depends on the situations, and what results from those situations.
For example, life changed for me when I left for New Zealand. Do I like this change?
In general, yes. I enjoyed the high school education system over here way more than back in Malaysia. I loved the fact that I made many friends from different countries. I love the variety of courses available in uni, which might not be available back home. I love the clean air, the beautiful scenery, the theatre.
At the same time, there's many things I would rather be the same. I miss the fact that there are no mamak stalls or pasar malams. I wish shopping malls were more like the ones back home. I miss the close-knit feeling you have in class in high school - where every student know each other. I miss the same all-year-round weather - no change of seasons. I miss the relationship I had with some friends that inevitably changed when I left.
I think, one of the worst change I had was the change in friendship with some friends. With some of my closest friends, my move to NZ not only strengthened our friendship, but also deepened our understanding of each other. With several friends, we did the Net Buddy thing, forwarding mails, adding each other to online address books, adding each other in Friendster. Nothing more, nothing less. But with some friends, things went wrong. We sent emails, which started out from weekly, to monthly, to nothing. For a year, we had no contact. Things became awkward. When these friends were online on my MSN messenger, I put my status to "Appear Offline" in order to avoid them. Later, I blocked them, so they couldn't even see when I was online. It was odd, at first. We were such good friends back home. Slowly, I began to accept it. I told myself: "Things were bound to change anyway." I never thought that by not doing anything, I was facilitating the change myself.
Then, I went home for a 2-month holiday. It took me a while, but I decided to contact these friends. I thought everything was going to be like it used to be. How wrong I was! With one of my friends, things went back to normal. It's almost as if that one year of silence never even happened. But with another... things became worse. While I was back in Malaysia, I heard of something bad of her. I thought it could be just a nasty rumor, seeing as how it was told by someone who disliked her. Then I heard it from the horse's mouth. It was true. I don't want to go into details here, and I don't think the persons involved would want me to tell others... But what happened is this: she betrayed a trusted and loved teacher. Accusations flew everywhere, and reputations were ruined. But worst of all, trust was betrayed.
Out of a sense of duty and loyalty to my teacher, I stopped having contact with this 'friend'. Yet, I felt conflicted. Friendship means a lot to me, and that includes understanding and forgiveness. But loyalty is as important to me as well. What was I to do? Instead of confronting this friend, I avoided her. For a year.
A few days ago, I was online, when she signed on to MSN messenger. My first thought was to avoid her. But as I thought about it, I was plagued by my own guilt. I thought, "I need to give her a chance to explain, at least. She deserves that." So, I summoned all my courage and sent her a message.
I felt like I was being slapped in the face. Here I was, trying to be friendly... and she couldn't even say something more! She kept inserting the same smiley face - of a monkey nodding its head. That's it. Am I reading too much into this? Was she really just busy, instead of trying to avoid me the way I did her? Whatever it is, I felt crushed. Crushed like a bug. Total devastation. I felt almost cheated, as if it wasn't fair I had been repressing all this guilt for a year for nothing. I know, it's ridiculous, but somehow I can't get rid of the feeling that our friendship will never be repaired. When I first met her, she was quite snobbish, but I managed to see past that. Friends who knew her long before I did warned me about her attitude, but I thought I should give her the benefit of a doubt. Now, am I betraying my teacher by trying to offer her an olive branch??Me: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Me: Sorry about not keeping in contact.
Her: *inserts smiley face*
Me: It's been awkward.
Her: *inserts same smiley face*
Me: So how've you been?
Her: I'm okay... I'll talk to you another time, ok?
Me: Ok. See ya.
Change... do I like it? I won't exactly say that I'll welcome it with open arms, that's for sure.
i know that i have loved you ... at 10:37 PM
fate crumbled all around 8 comments
fate crumbled all around 8 comments