Sunday, October 23, 2005
Stuck at Fifteen
I feel like all my friends have grown and changed around me, but I'm still here. Stuck in a time zone. When I left M'sia, I was fifteen. I still feel like fifteen, even if my eighteenth birthday's looming. 3 years. Nearly 3 years, and what have I got to show for it?
Everyone's changing. They fall in love, they fall out of love. They make new friends. They mature. They bloom, like the way flowers bloom. But me... I'm still a bud, wanting to be one of the flower blossoms, but stuck.
Yes, birthdays have passed. But do they really mean I've changed? I know I've changed physically... everyone does. But what about mentally? Have I changed inside? I don't even know the answer myself, although it seems a lot like 'No'.
I'm still the same kid, pretending not to care what other people think, pretending that I'm mature. I'm not.
It seems like everyone's passed me... doing their own thing... while I stay frozen at fifteen.
I thought going to uni a year early was a sign that I was mature. I thought wrong.
All I want to do is break down and cry.
And go back to that time when I just turned fifteen.
Before I left.
And came here.
But instead, I'm stuck.
Not moving forward.
Cursed to be forever fifteen.
While my body ages.
I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe I'm just being overly sentimental. Does it have to do with my birthday coming up? I don't think so. After all, how many teenagers lament the moment they turn eighteen?
I feel so... cursed. Despite the changes in my physical appearance, I'm still a kid inside. I'm not mature. I'm not different. I'm still the same old me, but... everyone's different. Not changing, not moving forward. Stuck at fifteen.
Everyone's changing. They fall in love, they fall out of love. They make new friends. They mature. They bloom, like the way flowers bloom. But me... I'm still a bud, wanting to be one of the flower blossoms, but stuck.
Yes, birthdays have passed. But do they really mean I've changed? I know I've changed physically... everyone does. But what about mentally? Have I changed inside? I don't even know the answer myself, although it seems a lot like 'No'.
I'm still the same kid, pretending not to care what other people think, pretending that I'm mature. I'm not.
It seems like everyone's passed me... doing their own thing... while I stay frozen at fifteen.
I thought going to uni a year early was a sign that I was mature. I thought wrong.
All I want to do is break down and cry.
And go back to that time when I just turned fifteen.
Before I left.
And came here.
But instead, I'm stuck.
Not moving forward.
Cursed to be forever fifteen.
While my body ages.
I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe I'm just being overly sentimental. Does it have to do with my birthday coming up? I don't think so. After all, how many teenagers lament the moment they turn eighteen?
I feel so... cursed. Despite the changes in my physical appearance, I'm still a kid inside. I'm not mature. I'm not different. I'm still the same old me, but... everyone's different. Not changing, not moving forward. Stuck at fifteen.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:15 AM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
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