Wednesday, September 28, 2005
An Ode and Elegy to Friendship
I have lost and gained many friends.
I have lost friends through anger, disagreement, misunderstanding and stubbornness.
I have gained friends through appreciation, unity and courage.
I am miserable, yet thankful. Tortured by conflicted feelings, I feel unsure and uncertain about the future I have with my current friends.
Would I still have my old friends had I been more understanding?
Would I have known my current friends had I not cut ties with my old friends?
I have lost:
The girl I met during ballet summer school, exchanged letters with, and later lost contact through my own impatience;
That boy I befriended when I was seven, only to cut ties with him when students laughed at our unusual, platonic friendship;
The girl who allegedly betrayed my other friends and one of my teachers when I was away in New Zealand, whom I never gave a chance to explain;
The girl who was my best friend in primary school, who exploited me, whom I never try to tell how much she hurt me;
That boy who I knew for a short while, who didn't want to talk to me because he was afraid of being seen talking to me, whom I never gave a second chance;
The pen pal I met online, but whom I got tired of, accusing her of being boring, never thinking about how nasty I was;
The friend I had for many years, my first best friend, whose friendship I refused when she quitted ballet;
The bully who couldn't stop bullying my friends, whose many promises to turn over a new leaf were as flimsy as tissue paper;
The nice girl whom everyone loves, whose nasty side was revealed to me, who made many friends unhappy with me when I had a fight with her;
The very same, nice girl who cut her ties with all her friends when she got mad at a mutual friend over a boy, but wanted to know me still, although I can't decide if I still like her, if I had ever liked her.
I have gained:
The daughter of my parents' friends, a girl much younger than me yet we have much to talk about when we see each other;
The eccentric student I met in school, whom I at first found weird, but later found extremely intelligent;
That boy in class whom everyone likes, whom I found out was someone I could depend on;
That new girl whose race was one that I despised, whose kindness and empathy made me realize that I could never judge someone by their appearance;
The girl I knew for a short while, who shared my passion for Harry Potter, who found me a much nicer person than I thought I was, who is my friend still;
That intelligent girl whom I found exaggerating at first, whose laughter I've grown to love, whose deep concern for her friends are often unseen by others;
That girl who came to my 13th birthday party despite the fact I hardly knew her, who made the horrible party bearable, who I lost contact with and regained friendship with;
The student I first met at my first day at school in New Zealand, whom I had looked down upon, and had became a most reliable and supportive friend;
That girl who said 'Hi' to me on the first day of the semester in class, who not only introduced me to more friends, who also made friends with my sister;
The girl whom I shared two classes with last semester, whom I disliked for her attitude, whom I decided deserved a second chance.
There are many more whose friendship I have gained, whose tolerance for my horrid temper and occasional sharp snap I appreciated dearly.
I mourn for my loss, and I cheer for my gain.
Dear friends, you mean more to me than you've ever imagined. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings with my bluntness and my hot temper. I thank you for everything you've done for me and I thank you for just being there. My friends are very important to me, and I want you to know that.
For those whom I have lost contact with, I am sorry for not keeping in contact. I'm sorry for not giving you a second chance. I'm sorry for being impatient with you. I'm sorry for not being straightforward, for I am a coward. I am sorry, to all those whom I've hurt. I can't say I didn't mean to hurt you, because dreadful as I am, I have intended to hurt you sometimes. I am sorry, and I hope you will find better friends, friends who stick by you thick and thin, as I have.
I have lost friends through anger, disagreement, misunderstanding and stubbornness.
I have gained friends through appreciation, unity and courage.
I am miserable, yet thankful. Tortured by conflicted feelings, I feel unsure and uncertain about the future I have with my current friends.
Would I still have my old friends had I been more understanding?
Would I have known my current friends had I not cut ties with my old friends?
I have lost:
The girl I met during ballet summer school, exchanged letters with, and later lost contact through my own impatience;
That boy I befriended when I was seven, only to cut ties with him when students laughed at our unusual, platonic friendship;
The girl who allegedly betrayed my other friends and one of my teachers when I was away in New Zealand, whom I never gave a chance to explain;
The girl who was my best friend in primary school, who exploited me, whom I never try to tell how much she hurt me;
That boy who I knew for a short while, who didn't want to talk to me because he was afraid of being seen talking to me, whom I never gave a second chance;
The pen pal I met online, but whom I got tired of, accusing her of being boring, never thinking about how nasty I was;
The friend I had for many years, my first best friend, whose friendship I refused when she quitted ballet;
The bully who couldn't stop bullying my friends, whose many promises to turn over a new leaf were as flimsy as tissue paper;
The nice girl whom everyone loves, whose nasty side was revealed to me, who made many friends unhappy with me when I had a fight with her;
The very same, nice girl who cut her ties with all her friends when she got mad at a mutual friend over a boy, but wanted to know me still, although I can't decide if I still like her, if I had ever liked her.
I have gained:
The daughter of my parents' friends, a girl much younger than me yet we have much to talk about when we see each other;
The eccentric student I met in school, whom I at first found weird, but later found extremely intelligent;
That boy in class whom everyone likes, whom I found out was someone I could depend on;
That new girl whose race was one that I despised, whose kindness and empathy made me realize that I could never judge someone by their appearance;
The girl I knew for a short while, who shared my passion for Harry Potter, who found me a much nicer person than I thought I was, who is my friend still;
That intelligent girl whom I found exaggerating at first, whose laughter I've grown to love, whose deep concern for her friends are often unseen by others;
That girl who came to my 13th birthday party despite the fact I hardly knew her, who made the horrible party bearable, who I lost contact with and regained friendship with;
The student I first met at my first day at school in New Zealand, whom I had looked down upon, and had became a most reliable and supportive friend;
That girl who said 'Hi' to me on the first day of the semester in class, who not only introduced me to more friends, who also made friends with my sister;
The girl whom I shared two classes with last semester, whom I disliked for her attitude, whom I decided deserved a second chance.
There are many more whose friendship I have gained, whose tolerance for my horrid temper and occasional sharp snap I appreciated dearly.
I mourn for my loss, and I cheer for my gain.
Dear friends, you mean more to me than you've ever imagined. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings with my bluntness and my hot temper. I thank you for everything you've done for me and I thank you for just being there. My friends are very important to me, and I want you to know that.
For those whom I have lost contact with, I am sorry for not keeping in contact. I'm sorry for not giving you a second chance. I'm sorry for being impatient with you. I'm sorry for not being straightforward, for I am a coward. I am sorry, to all those whom I've hurt. I can't say I didn't mean to hurt you, because dreadful as I am, I have intended to hurt you sometimes. I am sorry, and I hope you will find better friends, friends who stick by you thick and thin, as I have.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:24 PM
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
First "Kissing the Frog" Meeting
This past Monday (5th Sept), I went to the first meeting of the "Kissing the Frog" short-fiction workshop. Beate had organised the meeting to be held at AIC on Airedale Street at 5.30pm. I had trouble finding the place. The damn street was cut half by another street. Let me illustrate this with my, *ahem*, brilliant drawing:
See the small stick figure of myself? I passed that same spot twice before I decided to look across Mayoral Drive. The thought that the street opposite could be part of Airedale St struck me. So I crossed the road, and guess what? I was right! I was so relieved.
Anyway, only four of us turned up: Beate, Tui, Hazel and me. I'm not surprised. I already knew Hannah's sick, and Cate's gone back to Abu Dhabi. According to Beate, Liz can't make it as she works in Henderson, and Ange is busy with her correspondence school. But Irene, Ann (the nurse), Ann (the tall one) and Mamie did not reply their emails. Hopefully, we don't lose contact with them.
During the meeting, everyone, excluding me, read a story of their own. We then gave comments/criticism. Hazel redid one of her stories, Tui read out one that she submitted to a competition, and Beate read a story she wrote for her mum. I felt quite embarassed that I was the only one who had nothing to contribute. I should have written something. I had ideas, but it's so difficult to put them to paper(or in my case, Microsoft Word). We decided that we would set a topic for a story in each meeting, so that we can write our stories to be read in the next meeting. Great idea, I think. That way, I would have a set topic in mind, and would have no excuse for not having written a story.
The first topic: Write a taxi story set in Auckland. Show conversation between taxi driver and passenger. Write a brief background for the characters. Approx. 1 page long.
Hopefully, I'll produce something by the next meeting. Wish me luck!
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:33 AM
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
(story) Watching
Finally, I'm putting up a story. Originally, I set this blog up to be anonymous but open to the public. I didn't want people who know me to see what I write. I've come across some rather harsh comments before, and I guess I was afraid it would happen again. But writing is about taking a plunge, taking risks, exposing yourself... be courageous. I've already shown some of my writings to complete strangers, so why not my friends? (I seriously doubt that any of my friends actually visit my blog, though.) So here I am, taking a leap of faith. Read, enjoy(or cringe!) and leave a (kind) comment. I'm open for criticism.
"No, darling," she said, as she put a screen cover over the bowl. "You'll scare him."
I scowled, but I knew I had to listen to Laura. She was, after all, the mistress of the house. Nothing really happened with the frog, not until Laura decided that the ugly little thing should have a companion. Oh! What a mistake it was! Laura always assumed that she knew what's best for everybody, when really, she didn't have a clue. Another ugly little thing was put into the bowl. This one was much smaller than the one we already had. Laura was a little concerned about the difference in size when she bought the new frog, but John dismissed her worries.
"Oh, I don't know, John. This new one seems so small. She might get bullied." She peered at the two frogs inside the small bowl.
John chuckled. "Laura, it's a girl frog, that's why she's smaller. Besides, I think he fancies her."
Oh, he fancied her, all right. Just in a different way than John thought. At first, the boy frog seemed to be happy about having a new friend. His beady eyes practically popped out from his eye sockets. Stupid little thing! Doesn't he know that a new frog meant sharing his food? Oh well, he'll find out soon enough. I'm never wrong about these things. I know how his puny little brain works. I've been watching him.
Life in the glass bowl went on peacefully, and at first, the boy frog enjoyed the company. That was until he realized that although food came into his bowl, he was eating less than before. The girl frog practically gobbled up anything she could lay her tongue on. Flies, crickets, spiders - all went down her small little tummy before the boy frog could even sweep a glance at the insects. For such a tiny thing, she sure had a huge appetite! I was watching the boy frog, waiting for him to strike. I watched as his bulbous eyes turned dark, and his wide mouth opened. The girl frog was swallowed whole, croaking helplessly as she struggled to escape. It was useless, really. Hunger, greed and insanity had taken control over the boy frog's mind. I watched him as he finished his meal, fascinated. No one could blame the boy frog - he was hungry. It's called survival.
"John! John! The new frog - she's gone!" wailed Laura when she discovered the girl frog was missing. I could only smile secretly behind her back.
You'd think the boy frog would be satisfied after having his first full meal in weeks, but no - even having a full stomach didn't satisfy him. For the next few days, he moped and moped, grieving over his deed. How silly! All he did was devour the only companion he ever had, that's all. At least, now he would have all the food to himself. One day, while Laura was cleaning the frog's bowl, she accidentally dropped it on the ground. The frog, still miserable over the loss of the girl frog, was transferred to a smaller bowl. Laura, hasty to clean up the broken glass on the floor, forgot to cover the bowl with the screen cover. The boy frog was so depressed that he never thought of escaping. I watched the little sulking creature. Perhaps I could help lessen his misery, I thought. Yes, I shall be a Good Samaritan, and help make his sorrows disappear. I crept over to the frog's bowl, and pounced on it, the claws in my paws extending.
"I'm going to help you, little frog," I told him as I reached into the bowl. "I'm going to lessen your pain."
I grabbed the frog, all wet and slimy, with my paws in one swift motion, and popped him into my mouth. He slid down my throat easily. Must be all that swimming in the water, I thought. Hmm. He doesn't taste too bad, actually. Hey, don't you stare at me! I helped make his sorrows disappear, didn't I? Anyway, I was hungry. Haven't you heard of survival?
Okay, so this story might seem a lil' weird. My workshop tutor told us a story of how she used to have 2 frogs - one small, one big - and how the bigger one ate the smaller one. Later, the frog was eaten by her cat. With this scenario in mind, we were supposed to either: a) write the story from someone else's point of view(eg. big froggie), or b) translate the frogs into humans and write it in a certain story frame. We were given 20 minutes. I couldn't think of a new story to write (the second option) so I decided to write from the cat's point of view. I edited the story quite a bit since the first draft was written in a hurry. Not a fantastic story, I admit, but it was more about writing styles.
Watching
I have been watching him, that odd little bulbous thing. He was fat and slimy, although he wasn't always like this. He used to be small and round, with a poor excuse of a tail. Back then, his bowl was always filled to the brim with water. I never thought of touching him then - I was so afraid of the water. One day, he grew arms and legs, and Laura poured out most of the water from the bowl, leaving only a shallow pool. I saw my chance to grab the frog, but Laura stopped me.
"No, darling," she said, as she put a screen cover over the bowl. "You'll scare him."
I scowled, but I knew I had to listen to Laura. She was, after all, the mistress of the house. Nothing really happened with the frog, not until Laura decided that the ugly little thing should have a companion. Oh! What a mistake it was! Laura always assumed that she knew what's best for everybody, when really, she didn't have a clue. Another ugly little thing was put into the bowl. This one was much smaller than the one we already had. Laura was a little concerned about the difference in size when she bought the new frog, but John dismissed her worries.
"Oh, I don't know, John. This new one seems so small. She might get bullied." She peered at the two frogs inside the small bowl.
John chuckled. "Laura, it's a girl frog, that's why she's smaller. Besides, I think he fancies her."
Oh, he fancied her, all right. Just in a different way than John thought. At first, the boy frog seemed to be happy about having a new friend. His beady eyes practically popped out from his eye sockets. Stupid little thing! Doesn't he know that a new frog meant sharing his food? Oh well, he'll find out soon enough. I'm never wrong about these things. I know how his puny little brain works. I've been watching him.
Life in the glass bowl went on peacefully, and at first, the boy frog enjoyed the company. That was until he realized that although food came into his bowl, he was eating less than before. The girl frog practically gobbled up anything she could lay her tongue on. Flies, crickets, spiders - all went down her small little tummy before the boy frog could even sweep a glance at the insects. For such a tiny thing, she sure had a huge appetite! I was watching the boy frog, waiting for him to strike. I watched as his bulbous eyes turned dark, and his wide mouth opened. The girl frog was swallowed whole, croaking helplessly as she struggled to escape. It was useless, really. Hunger, greed and insanity had taken control over the boy frog's mind. I watched him as he finished his meal, fascinated. No one could blame the boy frog - he was hungry. It's called survival.
"John! John! The new frog - she's gone!" wailed Laura when she discovered the girl frog was missing. I could only smile secretly behind her back.
You'd think the boy frog would be satisfied after having his first full meal in weeks, but no - even having a full stomach didn't satisfy him. For the next few days, he moped and moped, grieving over his deed. How silly! All he did was devour the only companion he ever had, that's all. At least, now he would have all the food to himself. One day, while Laura was cleaning the frog's bowl, she accidentally dropped it on the ground. The frog, still miserable over the loss of the girl frog, was transferred to a smaller bowl. Laura, hasty to clean up the broken glass on the floor, forgot to cover the bowl with the screen cover. The boy frog was so depressed that he never thought of escaping. I watched the little sulking creature. Perhaps I could help lessen his misery, I thought. Yes, I shall be a Good Samaritan, and help make his sorrows disappear. I crept over to the frog's bowl, and pounced on it, the claws in my paws extending.
"I'm going to help you, little frog," I told him as I reached into the bowl. "I'm going to lessen your pain."
I grabbed the frog, all wet and slimy, with my paws in one swift motion, and popped him into my mouth. He slid down my throat easily. Must be all that swimming in the water, I thought. Hmm. He doesn't taste too bad, actually. Hey, don't you stare at me! I helped make his sorrows disappear, didn't I? Anyway, I was hungry. Haven't you heard of survival?
Okay, so this story might seem a lil' weird. My workshop tutor told us a story of how she used to have 2 frogs - one small, one big - and how the bigger one ate the smaller one. Later, the frog was eaten by her cat. With this scenario in mind, we were supposed to either: a) write the story from someone else's point of view(eg. big froggie), or b) translate the frogs into humans and write it in a certain story frame. We were given 20 minutes. I couldn't think of a new story to write (the second option) so I decided to write from the cat's point of view. I edited the story quite a bit since the first draft was written in a hurry. Not a fantastic story, I admit, but it was more about writing styles.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1:17 AM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments