Sunday, August 14, 2005
cont'd...
apparently, the reason why my mom was mad was b'cos when she thought my dad didn't talk to her anymore. she thought that he talked more to me than he talked to her. but the thing is, the only reason that is is b'cos we(my dad and i) have common interests. we both enjoy reading, unlike my sister or my mom. that's why my dad talks to me so much. in fact, b'cos my sis has the least in common with my dad, my dad talks to her the least, even lesser than my mom.
i just couldn't believe it. i felt so guilty. i thought it was my fault. but upon reflection, i knew it had nothing to do with me. it wasn't my fault.
anyway, for the next few days, my mom continued being mad. my mom came home late, and my dad returned from work alone(they usually come home together). they left for work separately. our family life was disrupted. for two nights, we had dinner without my mom. i began to worry that for the first time in my life, my parents might get separated.
on the day i asked my dad what happened between him and mom, he told me to talk to my mom. "i can't talk to her," he said. he told me the details of his fight with my mom, and asked me to explain to her certain things - private things i can't say here. anyway, in other words, he wanted me to confront mom on his behalf. i agreed. i didn't know what else to say. it was later, when i was thinking to myself, that i realized my mistake. i shouldn't have agreed. this was my dad's problem to deal with, not me. he was being a coward. i was so mad at him. how could he do this to me? how could he drag me into this? it was something he had to do, not me. did he think he could escape the much needed confrontation with my mom? it was so unfair. he was my dad, my parent. how could he expect me to help him mend his relationship with mom? yet, i said nothing to him. like i said, we were not a family who liked confrontation.
i tried to talk to my mom the next day, but she was so moody, so uptight that i chickened out of my task. instead, i chattered around her. all i wanted was to make her feel better. i had a feeling if i had done what my dad had asked, she would be angry. after all, wouldn't it just confirm that what she thought of my dad was true? that he'd rather talk to me than her? that he doesn't tell her anything anymore? i really didn't want to get in the middle of things. so i made up my mind to confront my dad that night. that he was the one who needed to talk to my mom, not me. i suggested what he should do. talk. don't try to explain that she was in the wrong. from what i hear from him, what my mom really wanted was for my dad to talk to her and listen to her. that's all.
i wasn't sure if i had the nerve to tell my dad this. but i gathered all the courage i had within me and told him when he returned home from work. he listened. but i wasn't sure what was going on in his mind. "i'll try. but i don't think it'll matter to her," he said. i wanted to tell him to at least try. to at least try for his two children. but i didn't. it was up to him now.
it worked. i met my mom for lunch the next day, and she was all smiles. i didn't ask her, but i had a feeling. turned out my dad had talked to her(i asked him). for the next few days, everything returned back to normal, and my parents were smiling and talking again. yesterday, my mom left for her scheduled flight to Malaysia. i was glad that the tension between my parents had been resolved before she left.
now, we all act as if the fight had never happened. but the problem is, i can't ignore the fact that it did happen. i can't forget the fact that my dad had asked me to confront my mom on his behalf. i can't forget the fact that my parents might still not be talking if i hadn't decided to confront my dad. and i definitely will not ever forget the fear i felt for my family during that short but horrible period.
i just couldn't believe it. i felt so guilty. i thought it was my fault. but upon reflection, i knew it had nothing to do with me. it wasn't my fault.
anyway, for the next few days, my mom continued being mad. my mom came home late, and my dad returned from work alone(they usually come home together). they left for work separately. our family life was disrupted. for two nights, we had dinner without my mom. i began to worry that for the first time in my life, my parents might get separated.
on the day i asked my dad what happened between him and mom, he told me to talk to my mom. "i can't talk to her," he said. he told me the details of his fight with my mom, and asked me to explain to her certain things - private things i can't say here. anyway, in other words, he wanted me to confront mom on his behalf. i agreed. i didn't know what else to say. it was later, when i was thinking to myself, that i realized my mistake. i shouldn't have agreed. this was my dad's problem to deal with, not me. he was being a coward. i was so mad at him. how could he do this to me? how could he drag me into this? it was something he had to do, not me. did he think he could escape the much needed confrontation with my mom? it was so unfair. he was my dad, my parent. how could he expect me to help him mend his relationship with mom? yet, i said nothing to him. like i said, we were not a family who liked confrontation.
i tried to talk to my mom the next day, but she was so moody, so uptight that i chickened out of my task. instead, i chattered around her. all i wanted was to make her feel better. i had a feeling if i had done what my dad had asked, she would be angry. after all, wouldn't it just confirm that what she thought of my dad was true? that he'd rather talk to me than her? that he doesn't tell her anything anymore? i really didn't want to get in the middle of things. so i made up my mind to confront my dad that night. that he was the one who needed to talk to my mom, not me. i suggested what he should do. talk. don't try to explain that she was in the wrong. from what i hear from him, what my mom really wanted was for my dad to talk to her and listen to her. that's all.
i wasn't sure if i had the nerve to tell my dad this. but i gathered all the courage i had within me and told him when he returned home from work. he listened. but i wasn't sure what was going on in his mind. "i'll try. but i don't think it'll matter to her," he said. i wanted to tell him to at least try. to at least try for his two children. but i didn't. it was up to him now.
it worked. i met my mom for lunch the next day, and she was all smiles. i didn't ask her, but i had a feeling. turned out my dad had talked to her(i asked him). for the next few days, everything returned back to normal, and my parents were smiling and talking again. yesterday, my mom left for her scheduled flight to Malaysia. i was glad that the tension between my parents had been resolved before she left.
now, we all act as if the fight had never happened. but the problem is, i can't ignore the fact that it did happen. i can't forget the fact that my dad had asked me to confront my mom on his behalf. i can't forget the fact that my parents might still not be talking if i hadn't decided to confront my dad. and i definitely will not ever forget the fear i felt for my family during that short but horrible period.
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:15 PM
fate crumbled all around 0 comments
fate crumbled all around 0 comments