Just A Girl

out with the old, in with the new

2007-06-08T02:02:00.000+12:00

I'm using a new blog from now on.

This place is too old and filled with memories I rather not revisit.

Click here for my new blog.

I won't delete this blog. But like an old photo album, I will hide it away in the attic of my mind and leave it there to collect dust and spiderwebs.

It's my life. Don't put your foot in it.

2007-05-22T01:40:00.000+12:00

I've always thought I was doing well in uni... maybe not passing with flying colours, but hey, I have my fair share of As and A minuses. So maybe I'm just doing okay - I could do better, I suppose (that's what some people keep telling me) - but I'm certainly not failing or anything like that.

So why is it that I get the feeling people are disappointed in me? There are people who come and tell me that I should work harder or that I could do better. And I don't just mean my parents.

Or I have friends who are also studying who basically think I have it easy. I don't work hard and I don't stress. Unlike them. I'm sorry if you think that, because you're absolutely WRONG!! You have no idea how much I work my ass off just to get to where I am today. Just because I study differently from the way you do does not mean I do not study! I just use a different method, because it suits me, just the way your method suits you.

Stop saying stuff like, "Irene, you're so lucky. You don't feel stress." or "If only I was relaxed like you all the time." Fuck, everyone gets stressed every now and then. I just happen to handle it in a different way than you do, i.e. being confident that I can finish my assignment on time or I can pass a test. Unlike you, I do not feel the need to be negative all day and mope around. I have had my fair share of being depressed. I do not need to be more depressed by worrying senselessly about uni. I have other things in life to worry about, and no, my life isn't as sweet and easy as you think.

We all have our problems. How dare you think that yours is more important than mine, or anyone else's, for that matter. It is not a competition, okay? It's LIFE.

So get a clue. And get a life. Stop obsessing over mine.

A Reason For Everything

2007-02-02T01:09:00.000+13:00

I've always believed in the saying "there's a reason for everything", and really, I just believe that there is only ONE reason for everything that's happened in our lives: so that we can experience it.

I believe that anything that has ever happened to me, happened for a reason. It happened so that I can learn from it, grow from it, experience from it. It may not always be a good thing. It is sometimes such a horrible, horrible thing that I would wish that it had never happened at all. Sometimes the pain and suffering I go through is so great, that no amount of tears can console me. But at the end, I know that because of what I have experienced, I have become a different person. I am more cautious, considerate, thoughtful and much more because of it.

I believe in being able to experience something, is better than not to experience it at all.

Recently, I've had some experiences that has changed me. Whether for the better or not, I am not quite sure.

One experience I relish, because I've learnt to challenge my limits, and I've learnt to test my determination. And I relish it all the more, because I survived through it all.

Another experience I cringe at the thought of, because I've realised how one simple mistake can ruin everything, how carelessness can bring me to my demise. I am hoping to survive it, but I am still waiting to see its outcome.

It is times like these that I must remind myself: there is a reason for everything. I experience it so I can learn from it. It makes me who I am... present and future.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

2007-01-22T17:12:00.000+13:00

You've probably heard Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars on the radio or on the telly. My sister says it's claimed to be the purest love song ever, but listening to it, I don't think it as much pure as I think it to be naive.

We'll do it all everything, on our own
We don't need anything, or anyone
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

It's like how you would feel, when you think you're in love.. when you feel like you're in love. Nothing else matters. It's only you and that special person. You feel like the world belongs only to the two of you. You would do anything, anything at all to protect what you and that person have. It sounds so perfect, except that it's not.

Reality bites. It's too naive, too silly even, to think that such a thing can be true. We all want to believe this song, and perhaps that's the reason why it's so popular.

Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where, confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

When you're deep in that moment, you feel like nothing will ever change. You believe in forever. But we are always changing, in every day of our lives. They may be small, those changes... but they are there. They happen to every one of us. Not one of us is excluded.

Maybe you and that person can change at the same pace, learning to grow together and experience all that life brings together. But what if you are at a different pace? Can one person slow down, and wait for the other to catch up?

It's not that I think it's so bad to have dreams, to believe that forever can be possible. I, too, like to believe in forever. And I even hope that the first could be the last. But we have to be realistic as well, and be able to accept that things may not go exactly to plan.

In the end, the most important thing is to live in the moment, to enjoy every new sensation, every new feeling, every new experience. You can dream, you can hope, but you cannot lie to yourself. Dreams can become true, but they can be shattered as well. Like so many things in life, beware the double-edged blade.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Yes.

Belated First Post of 2007

2007-01-08T01:08:00.000+13:00

So.. first post of 2007, eh? It should be about something meaningful, shouldn't it? Like.. new year's resolutions, or new year's eve celebrations, or insights about the past year.

# New Year's resolutions... none.

Well, I'd be lying if I said that. But I don't wanna write down my New Year's resolutions. There is this tendency for someone to remind me what I have and haven't done. Very annoying wan, you know! Plus, it seems so set in stone, that there seems to be no flexibility whatsoever. I like to have full control over my resolutions, thank you very much.

# New Year's Eve celebrations... very eventful.

For those who were there, need I explain? For those who weren't, I think it's better you stay ignorant. ;) It was such an eventful night. It started out boring, then infuriating, then painful, and finally... it ended with love. Because love conquers all, as always!! Haha. But seriously, though, I'm so sorry for making any of you guys worry and sorry for ruining what was supposed to be a great night! But mostly, I'm sorry, sayang, for not understanding you and for pushing you away.

# Insights about the past year... oh, where do I start?!

In the past year, I've grown to understand and love the friends I have now. I've learnt that even if you change, you can still be the same person inside. I got the courage to say the three little words I never thought I could ever say. I found love with the person I never expected to find it with. I've worked harder than the year before, and I can honestly say that it's true. I've accepted the fact that I'm very average in lots of things, but I can and will be extraordinary in my determination.

So, here ends my (belated!) first post of 2007. Happy New Year, everybody! Let's have a good one this year!!

I Feel Lost. Will You Come Help Me?

2006-12-21T19:13:00.000+13:00

A few days ago, I was angry. Enraged. Irritable. I couldn't find a way to contain the emotion tearing through me, and I tried writing it down in an email, but it only made me even angrier at everything. So I stopped writing, and I poured all my concentration into reading the books I've recently bought at Barnes & Noble.

So for the past few days, that was mainly what I did. I stayed in my aunt's apartment, refused to go out, and only took breaks when necessary. I was absolutely absorbed into the book I was reading. It was one of the things I love so much about reading: the way the story can pull you in, the way the world around you can disintegrate and disappear, taking all your worries and fears and pain away. Reading has always provided me with a haven that I could escape to, where no one could hurt me or touch me. But the problem is, it's probably not very healthy. Sometimes, I would stay up all night and refuse to sleep just so I could read just one more chapter. Or when I force myself to put down the book and turn off the lights, I am haunted by sleepless nights. Sometimes, when I've been sitting in one spot for a long time, and I get up to get a drink of water or whatever, I have a brief moment where my knees are weak, and my vision blacken. But none of these are as bad as when I, for just the slightest and briefest moment, could not tell between the worlds of fiction and reality.

I have just finished a book, Taming the Beast by Emily Maguire, about less than an hour ago. The book was a lot to do with sex, but it was also about passion and obsession and destructiveness and pain. It was to do with sadness and pleasure and painful, painful love. It was a book that I felt I understand and didn't understand at the same time. I felt I could relate to the book, but at the same time, felt completely alienated by it. It's not a book I would go back to, not to say it wasn't a good book... It just wasn't a feel-good book, I guess. Quite the opposite, really. It was very, very sad. A book like that.. You would think it'd make me want to cry for the main character, but it didn't. It made me want to cry for the other characters in the book, but not for the main character.. although her circumstances and life story should provoke one's tears. And I find that sad.

I know, I know... all this nonsensical rambling and ranting. None of it makes sense. But it makes perfect sense to me. It's silly, isn't it, to be all worked up over a book I read? I think I'm just homesick.. and miserable.

Pictures... Will Not Be Posted Here (Mostly)

2006-11-15T00:07:00.000+13:00

I've decided that pictures will mostly be posted up on my Livejournal account. Blogger, as much as I like using it, just lacks in the "posting up pictures" department. So much easier to use Livejournal.

So, this is my Livejournal: Life's Little Joys. Click for pictures!

At A Loss

2006-11-12T23:28:00.000+13:00

My exams are finally over. After 2 weeks of studying to the verge of breaking down, and of going to uni to study every day, I can finally relax.

Except... I don't know what to do.

For some reason, I feel like I'm at a loss. I feel so sick and so bored of being at home, of doing nothing productive. It's almost like I lost this sense of purpose, of which was previously filled while studying for exams. Back then, I had an aim. I had to study hard to do as good as I can in my exams. I couldn't slack off, I couldn't afford to. There was this... 'something' pushing me during the past 2 weeks. It was a burning desire to do well; to be able to get grades good enough to qualify for postgrad studies; to actually not feel like I'm not fulfilling my full potential for once.

But now... Now I feel nothing. It's almost like I'm empty inside.

It's not that I don't have anything to do. I have to study for my learner's test, which, unfortunately, I have not done. I have to reorganise my degree plan, seeing as how I've decided to drop English off as my major, and to replace it with Psychology instead. I have to organise the trip to Tongariro, but ridiculously enough, I don't even know where the place is! I want to read those books I bought, finish off those stories I started writing.. But for some reason, I can't seem to bring myself to do any of the above. I don't even quite look forward to the trip to the States anymore.

Maybe it's just the exam 'blues', if you will. Add to the fact that I'm kinda sick.. It kinda makes sense, I guess. I just need to kick myself out of this funk.

Birthday Celebrations

2006-10-21T15:48:00.000+13:00

In a few days' time, I'll be officially nineteen years old. Such a shame my birthday is always near to exams. :'( What a birthday gift, huh?

However, I did have early birthday celebrations.

The first was on 30th of September. That's mighty early, huh? Adrian and Colin decided to take both Jackie and I out for a nice dinner to celebrate both our birthdays (Jackie's birthday is on Oct 4). We went to Villa d' Vine, a French and Italian restaurant in Herne Bay. The food was not bad, but I think we overdid it with the 3 orders of dessert. We had to pay for the water, which I find really ridiculous. I'm just not the type of person who buys water, you know. Plus, I never could taste the difference with those 'special' waters. Add to the fact that I hate the taste of sparkling water, you can see why I was glad we only had a bottle of still water. There was also a fee for the live music, but since it was good music (and I didn't have to pay, hehe!), it was fine. We then headed to Mission Bay, where we had a chocolate birthday cake with champagne bottle-shaped candles in the car. (Too windy a night to eat outside) We also had a small-ish bottle of chardonnay, which we couldn't finish. How weak are we, huh? After that, I was ready to head home, seeing as I was tired and I've had enough food. But to my surprise, Jackie and the others were up for more! So off we went to Momo's for food and drinks, in dresses and formal shirts and all. It was a really nice night, considering that the guys were cool enough to treat us girls, and to go into the trouble to plan it. Who knew guys could be that nice, huh?

The 2nd celebration was with my family, John, and Gavin at Soul Bar & Bistro at the Viaduct Harbour on the 15th this month. The food was good, although my memory of going there last seemed to tell me the food was much better. John's clam pasta was delicious, though! I was looking forward to dessert, as a few years ago, I had a wonderful apple and rhubard crumble. The apple crumble was so delicious, and although I've tried many other variations at other places, none seem to be able to live up to Soul's. To my utter disappointment, there was no apple crumble! Imagine my sadness.. So I settled for a Chocolate Fantasy - a special coffee containing Peppermint Schnapps, Baileys, hot chocolate and marshmallows. It was yummy, although I would have preferred a tad more Baileys, please. I like my special coffees heavy with alcohol. :P The highlight of the night, though, was neither the food nor the dessert. We picked John up on the way to Soul so that he wouldn't have to drive. The sweet guy gave me a really wonderful present. I knew beforehand what it was, but I still couldn't help feeling surprised when I saw him holding the basket. It was a basket filled with 101 paper cranes and a box of chocolate truffles. Each paper crane had a message within it. Among the paper cranes, one was larger than the others. As I unfolded the paper crane to read its message, I realised with surprise that there was something inside. It was a silver necklace with an apple pendant. It - both the basket of paper cranes and the necklace - was simply the most divine present I have ever received. Thank you, sayang!!

I Can't Believe I Actually Love You

2006-10-15T17:56:00.000+13:00

Stop blaming me for something that I did not do. Don't give ME a lecture when I'm just sitting there, minding my own business.

I'm just an innocent bystander. I watched helplessly as the fire burned, knowing to get in there would be dangerous. Why put the blame on me while you let the arsonist walk away?

I told you (I even told you repeatedly) that I am not guilty for the things you are accusing me of. So you say, "It's not you, but I want YOU to know." How does that even make any freaking sense? You're just implying that I am guilty of doing those things to you.

So now you're the victim. And I'm responsible for hurting you.

FUCK YOU.

You said that "[some people] may leave you one day, but parents will always be there for you, no matter how badly you treat them".

Don't be such a FUCKING liar!

Firstly... you want to talk about our "dysfunctional family"? Fine. Talk about our family then. That's what you want to talk about, isn't it? Don't freaking drag other people into this.

Secondly... HOW DARE YOU EVEN SAY THAT? Need I even remind you of the countless times you were NOT there for me? I was the one there for you. I looked after you when you were supposed to look after me. All you did was break my heart again and again, and then push me aside like I'm rubbish. When I was down, instead of helping me up, you trampled me deep into the ground.

So don't even lie to me about how you'll always be there for me, no matter what. What a fucking piece of crap. Other people were there for me when you were not. So don't tell me how much they don't matter, when you didn't even give a shit about me. Yeah, they might not be around forever. They might leave. But at the very least, they were there for me once.

Because I'm That Stupid

2006-10-03T23:57:00.000+13:00

I did that on purpose, but you didn't even notice.

I know you well enough to predict your reaction. I knew what was coming. Heck, I even freakin' anticipated it. I was hoping it would trigger something else. Now that I have time to think about it, that was a pretty foolish thing to say, planned or otherwise.

But I'll still do it in the future anyway. It's a sure-fire, 100% guaranteed way to get your attention.

Sigh. What to do? I damn stupid wan mah.

I still wish you know me as well as I know you.

Love Doesn't Make The World Go Round

2006-09-18T01:53:00.000+12:00

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride
worthwhile."

The above quotation is by Franklin P. Jones, an American businessman. Apart from that, I don't really know much about him. But what I know is, is that I love that quotation.

I can't remember where I've read that quotation from.. but it's stucked with me since. The cliched idea that love makes the world go round is just so wrong. In this world, this materialistic, dog-eat-dog world.. it's more like money and power that makes the world go round.

However, I can't deny how wonderful love feels. Not just love for a lover, but for family and friends as well. Love is what gets you through the pain, the arguments, the cutting words. The world doesn't end when love ends, even if it might feels so. It burns us, sometimes even scars us.. but in the end, it's okay. Because through all that pain and sorrow and tears, you've experienced the most wonderful and ecstatic feeling in the world.

And that feeling.. is LOVE.

I Will Be Happy

2006-09-04T01:11:00.000+12:00

I am determined to be happy.

I will stop putting myself through my own self-inflicted pain. No more reliving the past, or drowning in my sorrows. Being happy is the greatest feeling anyone could feel, and I like to stay that way.

I have so many reasons to be happy for.

I'm gonna enjoy my life while I still can. This may be a cliche, but life is short. So I'm gonna keep it sweet, too.

Stand Still

2006-09-01T23:25:00.000+12:00

Stand still.

Can you feel the earth moving?
The wind blowing?
The sun shining?

Stand still.

Can you see past the busy crowd?
See the people moving by?
See the hearts that beat within?

Stand still.

Can you feel the sweetness that is life?
The nectar that is happiness?
The elixir that is love?

In this fast paced world that we live in, we're often too busy to stop and appreciate what we have. We forget the wonders of nature, the marvels of humankind. We forget to live, laugh and love. Take a moment, and stand still.

UMSA's Malam Malaysia - Revival of the Fairytale

2006-08-29T21:56:00.000+12:00

It was supposed to be a night of fairytales. I conjured up pictures of floaty dresses, fairydust, and Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty. Should've known that dreams don't come true. Oh well, as was said during the night, "For good company!". The food could have been better, the organising could have been better, the location could have been better, etc. But I guess everything depends on the state of mind. Some things are best forgotten and pushed aside, even if it seems hard to do so. So, as I promised... pictures!

the ball ticket tied in a soft maroon ribbon

Hehe.. I remembered the emcee saying, "Someone seemed to have lost his or her ticket. It's white and tied with a maroon ribbon."

Yeah, I bet whoever lost the ticket was alerted straightaway. :D

pre-ball pic taken outside my house:

me, john, colin, jackie, adrian, shin yi

outside joey's house:

simon, me, john, diana, joey

in crowne plaza's lobby:

debbie, catherine, me

joey, me, kaelyn, jackie, diana, shin yi

at our table

me and uncle colin

shin yi, diana's friend (whom I don't know), jackie, kaelyn, some other girl I don't know, diana, and me at the stairs in the hotel

Thinking back, it wasn't such a bad night, after all. I danced with John, which was very nice and romantic (XD)... although I have no idea how I even walked in my heels! The skit performance was quite hilarious, and more than made up for the poor organisation and food. Dressing up to the nines and putting on make up was quite fun too.. Thanks sis, for helping me and Kaelyn with our make up! What to do? We have nonexistent skills, hehe.

A Rose, A Ball and A Baby

2006-08-16T01:05:00.000+12:00

Already 5 weeks into semester two! Time sure seems to speed by this semester... So what's happened so far?

#1: I received my very first flower from a boy! That boy is none other than You-Know-Who, of course.. It was a red, red rose. Despite me not liking roses because of their association with the very commercialised and overrated Valentines' Day, I was still very pleasantly surprised. Thank you, John! (yes, that's You-Know-Who's real name.. it's not Voldemort like you all guessed it to be)

#2: I'm going to the UMSA Ball on the 27th of August, which is on the first Sunday of the mid-sem break.. Perfect timing! The theme is "Revival of the Fairytales". I'd like very much to dress up as Little Red Riding Hood, but after seeing the costumes available for hire, I changed my mind. They're way too tacky, and the price is about the same as buying a dress. So, I've decided to buy a nice dress instead. :D Not gonna show pictures until after the ball, of course, but here's a sneak peak of what I'm wearing:

Pointy high heel shoes! The heels are about 6cm high.. so that would change my measly height from 154cm to 160cm!! I just hope my feet won't be killed in the process. Lol!

I'm really looking forward to the ball. Firstly, it's my first ball. Secondly, on the day of the ball, it will mark our 5-month anniversary! Hehe, such perfect timing.

#3: Last, but definitely not the least... the arrival of John's niece! Baby Charlene was born on the 4th of August, and on the 6th, I went to visit her (and her mum too!) at the hospital. I carried her for a bit. She was crying at first, but stopped when she was in my arms... Not that I'm all that special or anything (although I like to think I am special), because she started crying soon after. Bleh. Then, on the past Sunday, I visited baby Sharlene again... this time at her home. I held her in my arms for about an hour. For a tiny little thing, she sure is heavy! But since she's such an adorable little thing, I don't mind one bit. :D Cuteness sure goes a long way.. As can be expected, many pictures of her was taken. To see a couple of pictures, go to John's blog. One of it shows me carrying the baby!

That's all for now, folks. Will be back next time, with pictures! Adios!

Today

2006-08-07T23:39:00.000+12:00

I feel ridiculously estatic today.

I learnt more about him as well as myself.

I said some words and did some things I thought I would never do.

Yet I've never felt more at peace.

Come what may, I will accept the consequences and results with an open heart.

No regrets.

Have You Seen The Key? (a story/poem thingy/whatever)

2006-08-07T01:10:00.000+12:00

It was just like any other day, when
A girl decided to lock her heart.
Heavy chains, heavy padlock,
All to keep her heart from ever breaking.

She turned the key, 'Click!',
And threw the key far, far away.
She smiled to herself with satisfaction, and said,
"Aha! Some peace at last!"

She hid her heart back under the cage
And lived with the heavy burden.
She dragged her footsteps as she walked,
And wondered why she felt such pain.

A day came when her heart finally cried,
"I want to get out! I want to be free!"
The girl tried to tell her restless heart,
"I'm sorry, but I lost the key."

Together the girl and her aching heart
Searched high and low for the misplaced key.
The heart cried again and again,
"Let me out, before I burst and bleed!"

"Have you seen the key?" they asked.
"Have you seen the key to my heart?"
But no one knew where the dreaded key was,
For it was invisible and had no shape.

So the girl weeped as her heart began to die,
The bleeding, withering mess in her hands.
"Have you seen the key?" she sobbed.
"Have you seen the key?"

But in the end, it was to no avail,
The heart died and the girl died too.
So this is the moral of the story:
Never, ever throw a key away.

Fragile Innocence

2006-08-06T19:05:00.000+12:00

Today I held a baby in my arms, and felt her fragility within my grasp.

Funny how innocence can come packaged in such a small, delicate bundle. How can something so great and so wonderful, be found in something so fragile?

Maybe that's why we treasured infants and children.. because true innocence can only be found in the very young. After all, we all get tainted in this age of corruption. No one can truly claim to be innocent in this world of murder, sex, lies, and crime.

And so we try to protect the young from corruption, even if it's impossible to do so. Like us, they must learn to grow in this treacherous environment, to know right from wrong, to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes, and most importantly, they must learn to become independent.

But for now, we shall treasure them and their precious, precious innocence.. We yearn for what we ourselves cannot have.

picture taken from getty images

Food, Drinks, and Dancing

2006-07-31T23:58:00.000+12:00

Went to Mexican Cafe with The Boy, Uncle Long a.k.a Loanshark, and Ah Lim (Peh)*laughs* yesterday night. Uncle Adnan didn't join us 'cos of his food allergies (I think!). Never mind la, he can join us next time, and treat us dinner! Hehe.. We had a jug of Peach Margarita, which was yummy and I wished I had more, but for some absurd reason, everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic. As if! I ordered beef tacos, which were kinda like giant corn chips with fillings. Colin ordered a Chimichangas, which I can remember only because of the funky name. Haha! Chimichangas chimichangas chimichangas! Lol..

After dinner, we decided to go to this bubble tea place called Hulu Cat. Jackie followed Colin to his car near Kathmandu, while I followed John to his car by uni. Walking was just torture. I had decided, very ridiculously, to wear my sister's pink pointy shoes. They are very nice to look at, but let me tell you, they are murderers of feet! Every step was a heel-grinding nightmare. I can take the pain of toe-crushing, but not heel-grinding. I really felt as if my feet were dying, if that's even remotely possible. So poor John sprinted across Albert Park and drove the car down to where I was waiting. This makes me sound oh-so-feeble, and rather like a spoilt brat... but my feet hurt so much that just taking a few steps was torture. Hulu Cat is a pretty cool place, with couches! According to Jackie, there's quite some cute guys working there, but I think the guys are just so-so. Oh well. I have The Boy, so that's enough. XD The Taro Pudding Milk Tea is delicious! And so is Caramel Milk Tea, but that's too sweet for my liking. I wanna have more Taro Pudding Milk Tea!! We played cards and had a question game going on. Sort of like a Truth or Dare game, but without the 'dare' option. We had some pretty odd and some pretty hilarious questions, and some pretty bold ones too. I think it'd be more fun if we did it during a sleepover..

UMSA ball is in late August, and this time, I think I'm gonna go. Less than a month to shop for something to wear... Geez, so troublesome. I like the idea of dressing up, but not really the idea of shopping for the clothes. Too much time and effort, not to mention $$$, which I really can't afford to spare, with uni and studying and all. Hmm, maybe I can get the folks to sponsor my ticket. Hehehe!

First Argentine Tango lesson tomorrow! Should be fun! Yes, I signed up for tango lessons. Hard to believe, eh? Me who's always so paiseh, going to an actual dance lesson with random strangers. Well, not totally random, since The Boy signed up too. Wonder how the class will go.. who knows, maybe The Boy will show some natural talent! I also signed up for yoga lessons with Jackie. Good for relieving stress, which is what both Ah Lim and I need. Plus, can learn to be more flexible. I miss my flexibility from the good 'ole ballet days. It's good for freaking people out. :D

(No title, but mushy post ahead!)

2006-07-30T00:45:00.000+12:00

It's funny how your mood can change so drastically within moments. Then something would happen, changing how you were originally feeling. There was one particular weekend, where I just felt absolutely pissy and bitchy. But after spending some time with the boy, I felt so much better, almost like I could forget all the things that were causing me mad in the first place.

It's the person you're with that makes a difference, I should think. And the environment too, that plays a huge part as well.

But I think mainly it's the company. Thank you for always being there for me, JJSS. Me adore you lots! :)

My Journey Through Auckland International Film Festival '06

2006-07-29T23:28:00.000+12:00

When I first heard of the Auckland International Film Festival this year, I immediately leafed through the booklet, bookmarked the films I was remotely interested in, narrowed it down again and again until I finally had 4 choices: Water, Twelve and Holding, Keane, and Three Times.

Water was amazing... It was the type of movie that actually made you stop and think about the oppression of women. Not only back then in 1938, not only in colonial India, but in every time and place. Shot in stunning simplicity, it moved the audience to tears... yet there was a sense of tragic beauty and painful triumph as well.

Twelve and Holding was another fantastic film. It sent shivers down my spine, and shocked me to the core with its gripping plotline. It was sad, funny, sweet, tragic and much, much more. The idea of what happens when children are forced to grow up too quickly is so eerily possible and believable... it just blows you away. I love Leonard's determination, Malee's courage and scared by Jacob's hatred. It not only shows you how capable and strong children can be, but also how their lives can be affected by a simple phrase by an adult.

Keane was a very bitter disappointment. I left the cinema feeling confused and awfully unsatisfied. The blurb on the booklet sounded so interesting that everyone was fooled. Sure shows you the art of deception, doesn't it? The film was much too mundane, and I know that's probably to show the dullness of the title character, Keane's life... but I almost fell asleep! I do like the little girl in the movie, though. Abigail Breslin, I think the young actress's name was. I reckon she has the best acting in the whole film. Keane was just too alienating that I can't relate to him or sympathise him at all. So basically, what I'm saying is this movie sucked!

Three Times was the last and most recent film I watched for the film fest. It started rather slowly at first, speeding up as it progressed through the 3 different time periods in the movie: 1966, 1911 and 2005. I really like the first one, 'A Time For Love'. Probably my favourite amongst the 3 separate parts of the film, it was so amazingly sweet, it made me smiled. 'A Time For Freedom' was rather sad, and it left me aching. The last, 'A Time For Youth' was so fast-paced, it really epitomised the modern life of young people in the 21st Century. It was filled with sex, angst, grief, pain and intensity... so much so that I felt overwhelmed as I left the cinema. Each of the 3 parts, as I predicted, had parallels. People from different circumstances in life, falling in love, their lives changed by the presence of a letter (or in the case of 'A Time For Youth', a typed letter on the computer). I thought the 3 parts would be quite the same, with the characters living happily ever after, if you will, at the end.. only in different time periods. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the 3 parts were not carbon copies of one another. Instead, I found myself enjoying the movie, although there were some rather tragic and shocking scenes.

All in all, the International Film Fest was a great experience! I can't wait till next year! :D

Back To Uni

2006-07-17T21:00:00.000+12:00

Today's the first day back to uni. It's been so long (actually not that long la) since I've been in uni that I find myself at quite a loss at times. I've forgotten that on the first few days of the semester, the campus is always filled with people. Must be all the eager freshmen waiting to start their very first class in a university! Hehe, I remembered being like that once a long, long time ago. Alas, I am no longer a naive little freshman. How sad.. Oh well, by the end of the week, the amount of students will dwindle down.

Only had two classes today - Psychology at 1pm, and Comparative Literature at 2pm. As I predicted and hoped for, Comparative Literature looks to be a very interesting paper. The lecturer, Mike, remembers me! Yay! *perasan moment* It's a small class, only about 24 students, which is both good and bad. The good thing is you actually get to know the people in class. The bad thing is you'll definitely be required to participate in class. *dread dread dread* I really don't do so well in public situations.

Jackie and I decided to dress formally today, but this Jackie just dressed like she normally does. What la! According to Jackie, she must dress formally everyday then. That girl ah.. At least I dressed semi-formally, and even Colin ditched his usual ah pek look. Aiya, just realized I forgot to demand souvenirs from that uncle.. Must gently remind him tomorrow, hehe.

Water (Film)

2006-07-16T15:21:00.000+12:00

The Telecom's 38th Auckland International Film Festival began on Thursday, July 13.

Just last night, Jackie and I went to watch a film, Water at the Civic Theatre. Directed by Deepa Mehta, it follows Earth and Fire, and is the third of the elemental trilogy.

Synopsis (taken from http://water.mahiram.com)

Set in 1938 Colonial India, against Mahatma Gandhi's rise to power, the story begins when eight-year-old Chuyia is widowed and sent to a home where Hindu widows must live in penitence. Chuyia's feisty presence affects the lives of the other residents, including a young widow, who falls for a Gandhian idealist.

About The Characters (taken from http://water.mahiram.com)

Chuyia is an eight-year-old girl with bright, sparkling eyes and a long, untidy braid that falls well below her waist. Her tiny wrists have two red bangles each and silver anklets encircle her bony ankles. Her family recently married her to a successful older man of their village with the prospect that when she came of age she would move to his home and become a proper wife. This plan is quickly thrown into disarray when the husband becomes ill and dies, leaving Chuyia a widow. Tradition dictates that Chuyia be forced to move into a house for Hindu widows to spend the rest of her life in renunciation. As a widow, she is expected to atone for the past sins that resulted in the death of her husband.

Madhumati, a widow in her mid-70s, is the house matriarch. By day she sits in the courtyard ordering instructions to the other widows, while at night she lies in her room, smoking ganja and listening to the latest gossip from her only friend, Gulabi, a eunuch and pimp.

Shakuntala is one of the 14 widows sharing the household into which Chuyia is forced to move. Perhaps the most enigmatic of the widows, she is good-looking enough, intelligent and educated. Quiet and reserved, Shakuntala is caught between the hopelessness of living out her remaining years as a widow and her devout adherence to the dictates of the Hindu scriptures.

Kalyani is breathtaking, and the only widow whose hair is not shorn, as a nod to her profession which was forced upon her at an early age by the powerful head widow Madhumati. Uncomplicated and gentle, she radiates a child-like innocence. Kalyani spends her day either playing with her puppy Kaalu, or talking to the small statue of the God Krishna she has in her room. Her nights though are surreal. Gulabi ferries her across the waters to the mansions of the rich gentry in Rawalpur. This she accepts with a quiet equanimity; it's her karma. Besides, she feels that perhaps this is a test that the God Krishna is putting her through and as the holy books dictate "she should live as the beautiful lotus flower untouched by the dirty water in which it resides." The rest of the widows ostracize her as they feel that close contact will result in a sullying of their purity. When she meets Narayan, the spiritual acceptance of her fate begins to disassemble and she becomes resistant to Madhumati's will.

Narayan, who has just finished his law degree, is an idealist and follower of Gandhi's 'Quit India Movement.' Through pure chance Narayan meets Kalyani. There is an immediate attraction, but the restriction placed on interaction with widows makes it difficult to find a way of pursuing any kind of relationship. Gandhi's movement is not solely dedicated to removing the British from Indian soil but also focuses on social justice particularly as it relates to the treatment of women. Narayan ignores the cultural taboos and continues to meet Kalyani in order to marry her. But marriage to widows is strictly forbidden.

The film basically revolves around the lives of the women in the ashram, where Hindu widows are sent to live in penitence. Chuyia is the newcomer, who keeps insisting she will go home soon. She gradually accepts her fate, yet at the same time, still harbours hope. Kalyani is the outcast in the house, who becomes Chuyia's friend, and gives Chuyia hope of freedom. She falls in love with Narayan, the young idealist who stands unwavering in his beliefs of what is right. Shakuntala, who seems strict at times, yet friendly at others, dreams of liberation amidst conflicted feelings between conscience and faith. Madhumati is the matriarch of the house, who manipulates Kalyani, and eventually, Chuyia, with false hopes. There is also Auntie, the withering widow who dreams of sweets, never failing to recount the various treats she loves. (Widows aren't allowed fried food apparently because it's perceived to be a sin.)

It is a moving story about love, liberation and hope. Both a drama and a romance, the movie got both Jackie and I scrambling for tissues by the end, and we could hear people sniffing in the huge theater auditorium. It ended tragically, yet is filled with hope. This is definitely a film worth watching.

The next film Jackie and I will be watching is Twelve and Holding this Friday at 1.45pm. Will be looking forward to it!

Goodbye, Holidays

2006-07-14T01:53:00.000+12:00

The semester break is coming to an end soon. Just a few more days, and it's back to uni again. I can just see it... an endless routine of lectures, tutorials and whatnot.

The good thing is, I'll get to see my friends more often.
The bad thing is, we'll probably be too busy to do anything fun.
The worse thing is, the previous semester may have ended.. but the conflicts have not.
Whee.

The other good thing is, I won't be doing any English papers this coming semester. I did so horrendously in the first semester that I feel quite dishearted at the thought of facing another English paper.
The better thing is, I'll be doing a Comparative Literature paper about folktales, which seems quite interesting.

So.. what have I been doing in the past three weeks? I sorta had a list.. but I totally forgot about it. How typical of me, eh?

Here, I shall attempt to recount the things I did during the holidays... (Not in chronological order, seeing as how my brain's wires are all jumbled up.)

There was that shopping trip I had with Jackie, in which my bank account screams bloody murder. I remembered calling her the night before. She was so tired from working that I could hear the fatigue in her voice. She had a very unenthusiastic sounding "yay" when I reassured her we would go shopping. It was fun, but I swore to myself I wouldn't shop anymore for the next few months anyway... but broke that promise just a few days ago. Sob! I have no self-control..

Then, there was Simon's birthday dinner... when I accidentally stirred up some trouble. I have to admit... I wasn't being the brightest bulb in the bunch, but honestly! Don't just assume I know stuff, because I'm a very clueless person at times. And I'm dreadfully forgetful, so it's hard for me to remember so many things, especially things as stupid as that. Geez. At least the food wasn't half bad.

Secondly, I went to the Art Gallery for the Art & the 60's Exhibition.

I've been wanting to go ever since I first read about it in the papers. Not that I'm all that artistic, but that I found out there were photographs of the Beatles. Hehe. I've been talking about wanting to go to the Art Gallery for the exhibition for quite a while, but never found the time, what with uni and exams and all. So, on the very last day of the exhibition(2nd of July, I think it was), I finally went. Like I said, I'm not that artistic, so I must admit, I don't quite understand a lot of the art pieces. However, there were some rather... interesting pieces. I definitely love the photographs of the Beatles, 'cos well.. they're the BEATLES!! Ooh, also saw a photograph of Michael Caine when he was young. He actually doesn't look that much different... just much, much younger.

Went to have yum cha with Jackie, Adrian and Edwin. Finally, yum cha! Didn't have plates of egg tarts like we usually do, though. There weren't any when we asked. Hmm, wonder if it's to do with the fact that Colin's not around, and that it's Colin who's obsessed with egg tarts? Lol! After that, we went to the new shopping mall, Sylvia Park, which was so darn boring that we left within 30 minutes. Watched Ju-on with Jackie and Adrian in Jackie's place... Is it freaky that both Jackie and I think Toshio is absolutely adorable? Hehe. I don't quite get the ending, though. Does it just mean it will never, ever end? That it just gets reborn? *confused* Or maybe I just have to watch the sequels...

I went to watch Pirates of the Caribbean with John, who had a day off from work... which is not so much 'lucky' for me than it being well-planned, seeing as how I almost have to make an appointment in advance. Bleh. The movie was fantastic, although I wish it had a better ending. Not gonna say what it is, in case anyone hasn't watched it. Watch out for characters from the first movie! And also for the Cantonese speaking pirate! Haha..

Just went ice skating on Wednesday night. It was a night of to- and fro-ing. Jackie and Adrian came to my place first to pick me and John for dinner. After dinner, Jackie suggested ice skating, so we went back to my place to find out the skating rink's session times and location. Ice skating was painful but fun. At least this time I ventured across the middle of the rink, rather than staying at the edges pitifully like the previous time. I fell down a grand total of 5 times, and have a tiny bruise on my right palm to show for it. Then, we decided to go Momo's, but I wanted to have a change of clothes after sweating while ice skating (yes, I put that much energy into ice skating), so we went back to my place again. We arrived at Momo's, which was darn busy for a Wednesday night, so we went to Easyway instead. Easyway has disgusting Strawberry Milk Tea... I still prefer Momo's. They do have yummy taro and chocolate pudding, which I enjoyed but Jackie hated. Chocolate makes me smile, hehe! After that, Adrian had to drop me home... So, Adrian drove up the narrow driveway leading to my house a total of 4 times in one night!

Hmm... anything else? That's it, I suppose. I spent the past few days downloading the anime, Ouran High School Host Club, which is so darn hilarious that I'm hooked onto it! (Damn.. so not a good time to get addicted to anything.. Uni starts soon!) I really like Honey with his bunny, Bun-Bun. "Haru-chan! Haru-chan!" So cuuuuute. And Mori, who at the few occasions when he does speak, mostly mutters one- or two-syllable words. So far, I've downloaded 11 episodes of the anime. Would have downloaded more... but we're subscribed to a 5 GB plan, which I'm about to exceed. So would have to wait till Sunday before I can download more. Whee!!

So, that's a 'summary' of what I did this holiday. Hope everyone had a great time, and for you people who are still having holidays while I start uni, I have one thing to say: "Damn you, you lucky person!"

I'm A Hypocrite

2006-07-06T23:43:00.000+12:00

I'm a hypocrite. I'm harsh to a degree, yet I complain when others are harsh towards me.

I don't know why it bugs me so much. Perhaps I thought I've pegged some people down correctly, and I don't like to be wrong.

Or maybe I thought that because I think a certain way, so do the people around me.

I thought I have an open mind, but in reality, it is so very, very limited. I am such a hypocrite, it's disgusting.

Real Women Have Real Curves?

2006-07-06T17:27:00.000+12:00

Have you seen that Dove campaign: Campaign For Real Beauty? You know, the one where for once, curvy women are shown instead of stick-thin models?

According to Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty website, "Dove's global Campaign for Real Beauty aims to change the status quo and offer in its place a broader, healthier, more democratic view of beauty. A view of beauty that all women can own and enjoy everyday." A great message to all women out there, isn't it? If you go to the website, you'll find more information about the campaign. You can vote what you think about beauty: for example, is someone with freckles flawed or flawless? You can view chat transcripts with real beauty experts, watch Dove's advertisements for the campaign, read global studies or reports about beauty.

Yet, I can't help but feel there's something wrong with it... The ad that boasts "Real Women Have Real Curves" is an ad for a skin firming lotion. Doesn't that kinda contradicts the ad's tagline? Oh yes, real women have real curves, and they're beautiful just the way they are, but it sure wouldn't hurt if they had firmer skin. I mean, how does that work exactly? And let's face it, these women we see on the ads and bilboards... they're pretty. None of them are plain. Does that tell you something?

I admit it's a good campaign that gives a good message. Heck, even I felt more positive seeing those ads. In fact, it makes me wanna go buy Dove's products! Hmm. Wait a minute. Dove is a company, a company that seeks to make profits.

It just feels like smart companies like Dove have pinned onto the fact that most women feel insecure about their appearance, rather than present a genuine campaign for real beauty. Perhaps Dove is sincere... I don't know. I can't help feel like we're being preyed on, like our weaknesses are being manipulated.

Let's be realistic. The world isn't perfect, and it sure isn't fair. People who are perceived to be more "beautiful" are more accepted than the rest of us. It simply works that way. But hey, I'm not saying we can't fight back. I'm just saying that a company for beauty products hardly seems to be the right agent for a real beauty campaign.

(Story) Adam (edited)

2006-07-06T03:28:00.000+12:00

edit: I attended a meeting with my fellow 'writers' on Sunday, 9th July and read this story to them. Decided to change it a 'lil bit. Just add in a sentence, took out a paragraph, and a couple of words.

His jacket was flapping in the wind. He stood on the edge of the balcony, his fingers gripping the railing. Adam looked down at the world, watching it pass by as time ticked slowly. His face was white, his teeth clenched. He had been standing at the same spot for quite a while, trying to decide. Should I do it? There was no one else there to help him make his decision. He was alone.

The sun shone down on him. Adam could feel its warmth seep into his shirt, but it was quickly overcame by the cold wind. His fingers were now numb and had a slight blue tinge, but he did not notice. His mind was still on the same question, still trying to decide on an answer. His options were limited: it was either yes or no. There were different consequences with each option - one would change his life forever.

Adam looked at his watch. Time was running out. He had to make a decision soon. He closed his eyes and lifted his head towards the sunlight. It was so warm, so nice. Suddenly, the answer came to him. He had made a decision.

He climbed over the railing slowly and carefully. Adam looked down at the world, the world that he was about to say goodbye to. I wonder if it'll hurt. He leaned forwards as much as he could while still holding onto the railing. A thrill of excitement surged across his whole body. Never had Adam felt so alive. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes... and let go. His jacket flapped in the wind.

This was something that was in me for quite a while. It feels as if I have to write this out in order to be rid of it. I used the name 'Adam' because of the song by Blink182, Adam's Song. If you know that song, you know why.

Sticks and Stones

2006-07-05T15:46:00.000+12:00

There's always a root to a problem: the difficult part is to identify it.

There's always been a common root to my moody days, but I've never identified it. It's not because I don't know what the root is. It's because I don't want to admit the truth to myself. Self-denial. The most convincing lying technique - even you yourself are fooled.

Yesterday, I finally admitted the truth to myself, and to someone else as well. To say it aloud, to actually hear myself say the words, it turned out to be... a relief. Who knew? Perhaps facing your troubles heads on isn't such a bad thing after all, and ignorance isn't always bliss.

After yesterday, the only thing to do now is to move on. It's not going to be easy, because there are some things you'll never forget, but heck, I gotta try, at least. I won't try to forget the past, because that's almost impossible, and well, the past is part of what makes who I am... to forget the past is to forget, well, me.

What I need to do is to know - no, to believe - that whatever in the past should not drag me down. I will be strong, and get through this. I will not be weak, and I shall prove to others and more importantly, I shall prove to myself that sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Eureka! I Have Found The Cure For The Common Cold!

2006-07-03T15:36:00.000+12:00

I wasn't serious when I said I was gonna take some time off to get sick. I was kidding! Kidding!

Now, I'm sniffing and sneezing my little nose away... which might have been adorable on a child or a puppy, but not on a teenager. Actually, make that two teenagers, 'cos even my sister has fallen prey to the monster called Acute Nasopharyngitis, otherwise known as the common cold. Hmm, speaking of the common cold... why is there no cure for it if it was, well, so common?

I'm gonna blame it on the house. Yes, it's the house that's causing me to feel all sickish. I might feel a little chilly when I'm out, but at least I don't feel like my immune system is being attacked. Therefore, the cure? Now, don't give me the rubbish about there's no cure for the common cold... because I've found one. Or at least, for my cold anyway. And that is to go out more often! Oh yes. Hehehe. *rub hands in glee*

note: there was absolutely no point to this post. i'm just bored.

The Higher You Hope, The Harder You Fall

2006-07-01T00:11:00.000+12:00

I really don't know why I even bother. I should have learnt my lesson by now, but I never do. I never learn my lessons. Like a moth to a flame, I keep falling into those visible, gaping traps... to be hurt again, and again. It's so, so stupid. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I let myself have such incredibly high expectations, when I know that I will just... fall? I have to stop kidding myself, and stop having such ridiculous high hopes. Not just in this situation, or that situation, or even that situation... but in every situation I find myself in. I have to stop being such a fool, or I shall find that one day, I have spent most of my lifetime spending my time like tonight... Crying to no one, feeling only utter despair.

Randomness

2006-06-29T22:12:00.000+12:00

I'm having a relaxed holiday, or so I tell myself. So far, I'm being pressured to get a job, get my learner's license, blah blah blah. Yes, I know it's for my own good. Yes, I've heard it all before. It's just so lame that I feel a bit stressed these days, 'cos I have no reason to be. My friends have jobs to stress about, I don't. So I should totally shut up.

Must be those stupid dreams I've been having. My brain can't seem to interpret the fact that my exams are over, because I keep having dreams where I'm frantically studying for exams... sometimes ending up with me feeling panicky 'cos I didn't have enough time to study, or sometimes with me feeling upset 'cos I did really badly in exams, or couldn't remember the facts, etc. That really sucks, because the exams are over, damn it! BRAIN: THIS IS YOUR OWNER SPEAKING. EXAMS ARE OVER. STOP STRESSING. You think my brain got the message? :D

Been having alternate days of going out and staying at home.. The times I stay at home, I do absolutely nothing, except than being a complete slob. Perhaps this means I should go out more? Haha, I wish. It just means I have to stop my slobbish ways and get things done. In the meantime, let me show you how bored I am:

Oh yes, I am that bored. And my bad habit of procrastination shines ever more brightly here, because instead of doing housework (like I'm supposed to), or read the Road Code (like I'm supposed to), or polish up my cv (like I'm supposed to... you see the pattern here, don't you?), I took ridiculous pictures and created that thing you see up there. Yes. Me. Randomness. You have a nice day too!

Tag! You're it!

2006-06-25T22:40:00.000+12:00

I wasn't tagged, but decided to do this meme thingy I saw on Chia Ling's blog anyway... I have thick skin and you all know it!

Three names you go by
> Suet Li ('sweatly' - no, my parents didn't give me this name 'cos I sweat a lot.. or maybe they did?)
> Irene (pronounced as 'eye-reen', not 'ee-reen', 'eye-ree-nee', 'ee-ree-nee', etc.)
> Reene (pronounced as 'ree-nee', and given very randomly by Colin because he was "lazy" woh.. 2 syllables not much shorter than 3 la, uncle!)

Three screen names you've had
> angelic*devil (yes, i was lame like that once)
> leaves.snow.jasmine (the meanings of my Chinese name)
> yexueli (the pinyin for my Chinese name)

Three parts of your heritage
> Hakka-Chinese (dad's side)
> Teochiew-Chinese (mum's side)
> Malaysian Chinese (what I tell people in NZ)

Three things you can't stand
> Smokers (people who know me well, know that I feel about this strongly. You want to kill yourself, go ahead. Just don't kill other innocent people.. people like me, who have asthma.)
> Being accused for saying or doing something I didn't (I hate it when people say I lie when I didn't!)
> People who think they're "all-that", even if they aren't (even good looks will fade, ok? Good personalities, on the other hand, don't)

Three things that scare you
> Losing the people I care about.
> Getting a severe asthma attack with no inhaler, no one in sight, no phone, no clinics for miles.
> Drunk people. Very drunk people. Especially the ones you see on Queen Street on late Friday and Saturday nights.

Three drinks
> Strawberry pearl milk tea from Momo's... or at least, for a substitute, Assam's strawberry milk tea.. I'm addicted, hehe.
> Mai tai cocktail from Mai Tai Restaurant on Victoria Street. Gosh, haven't had one in ages!
> Baileys Glide... mmm! Or coffee with Baileys.. that's good too. :D

Three of your everyday essentials (besides common human needs)
> Internet connection - yes, I'm addicted to Internet.
> My comb - I just can't stand having bad hair, or worse still, untidy hair!
> Lip balm - especially Blistex during winter season... I need my lips to be moisturised, otherwise they'll hurt like hell... and for other reasons too. Hehe.

Three things you are wearing right now
Who says I'm wearing anything, even? Haha.. kidding only!
> Padini Authentic long-sleeve knit sweater
> Adidas yoga pants... not that I do yoga, but these are unbelievably comfy.
> My maroon-coloured-framed glasses. I wished I had frameless ones, or those wiry black rim ones instead.

Three of your favourite movies
Ooh, this is tough! I love way too many movies..
> Bicentennial Man... I cry every time I watch it, and I have watched it countless times.
> Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade... Harrison Ford, Sean Connery... need I explain more?!
> You've Got Mail. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are just the perfect romantic comedy sweethearts!

Two truths and a lie
> My favourite type of chocolate is deliciously dark chocolate, like Whittaker's Dark Chocolate.
> I aspire to be a published short fiction writer.
> I don't mind being backstabbed by people at all. Everyone does it anyway.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you
> Height. I like guys tall, simply because I like people who are tall. What to do? I'm short mah. As long as taller than me, then can already. Hehe.
> Eyes that 'speak' to you... they are the windows to your soul, after all. I remember liking some random guy whose face I couldn't see (at night la)... simply because he was looking right at me.
> Slightly muscular... I didn't use to like this, 'cos I'm scared of muscular people who seem like they can crush me with one fist. But things change. Some people make me feel safe.

Three things you want in a relationship
> Trust (you can't possibly have a healthy relationship without trust)
> Respect (there's no point being with someone you can't respect, or someone who can't respect you)
> Communication (it doesn't have to be verbal, ie. spoken aloud. It's about understanding each other)

Three of your favourite hobbies
> Reading (I just bought a book, Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. Haven't read for fun in sooooo long! I miss reading!)
> Writing - either fiction, random scribbles, blogging... Writing is a creative outlet for me, both for expressing myself and for exploring my potential in writing.
> Watching movies... I love watching movies! Nothing much I want to see in particular these days, though. But looking forward to the International Film Fest!!

Three careers you are considering, or have considered
> Ballerina (this was back when I was abnormally idealistic, and was actually skinny enough to be one)
> Writer - I really wish that some day I'll be a published writer. Used to want to be a novelist, but I prefer short stories now. This seems so improbable, though.
> Linguist... I'd love to travel around the world, and research unstudied languages. If not, then research Malaysian English - or what's more affectionately known as Manglish - which I think receives less credit than it is due. Alternative is to go into speech therapy.

Three places you want to go on a vacation
> Venice, so I can relax in a gondola down the calm, flowing rivers.
> Athens... When I studied Classical Studies in high school, I was intrigued by the city I had to study about - Athens. Would love to see the art and architecture there.
> Italy, so I can have good Italian food everyday! Haha!

Three things you want to do before you die
> Have the courage to say "I love you"
> Master Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'
> See Lee Hom live in concert

Five songs I know all the words to
> S.H.E's Re Dai Yu Lin - I just love this song! It's the reason I start listening to S.H.E
> S.H.E's Hua Dou Kai Hao Le - the theme song of the taiwanese drama The Rose
> S.H.E's Hou Niao - yes, I love S.H.E!
> Wang Lee Hom's Wei Yi - the first song of his that I heard, and still my all-time favourite.
> Hoobastank's The Reason - you have no idea how many times I've sung that in SingStar!

Five things I would do with 100 million dollars
> Travel around the world, and bring my loved ones with me
> Go to every single Lee Hom and S.H.E concert until I've spent it all
> Donate to charitable organisations
> Put it in my savings... hey, it might sound boring, but at least I'm set for life!
> Buy Sony Vaio, Sony network players, Sony handphones... You get the idea :D

Five things I would never wear
> Denim miniskirts with leggings... I hate that combination!
> High heels... because I love my feet
> Huge sunglasses... I can't pull them off one bit
> Ripped jeans... I don't know, I just think it's not value for money. Hehe.
> Puffy skirts... I can't pull it off, and actually, many who wear these can't, either.

Five favourite TV shows
> Prison break - a very, very new favourite. So far, I've only watched the first 2-hour episode, but I know I'm hooked!
> Black Hole High on Disney Channel - so wanna watch the movie!
> Arrested Development - such a dysfunctional family.. worse than Malcolm in the Middle
> SVU - the only show in the crime detective genre that I watch often
> Doctor Who - when's the new season out in NZ?! I wish Christopher Eccleston (that how you spell his name?) was still the Doctor!

Five bad habits
> Procrastinating, always leaving things till the very last minute. There should be a Procrastinators Anonymous!
> Biting my fingernails till they bleed when I'm nervous
> Not making eye contact at all times when talking to people
> Eating every single morsel of food on my plate, even when I feel bloated... it's sort of a habit from young. My babysitter was very adamant on us not wasting any food.
> Not knowing when to shut up

Five biggest joys
> Knowing that I've achieved a goal I set for myself... that sense of accomplishment and pride is just incomparable
> My cousins... yes, that's more than one, but let's just classify that as one joy, okies?
> If I meet Wang Lee Hom, S.H.E, Leo Ku, Robin Williams or Haley Joel Osment in person
> Whenever I finish writing a story, and think that it's good... I'll be in satisfaction heaven!
> Reconnecting with old friends

Five people I want to do the same list
Would have mentioned Shing Yee, but she got tagged by Chia Ling first! Darn..
> Hui Ying - see, darling? No excuse to have blogging blocks!
> Chi Yee - I bet Shing will wanna tag you, but I have dibs! Hehe.
> John - stop talking about depressing stuff like studies and exams in your blog, boy!!
> Huey Yi - something fun to cheer up your emo blog
> Faye - that is, if you still blog.. miss you, girl!

See... now you people can't say I have a depressing blog. :P

In Which I Went On A Shopping Rampage

2006-06-25T05:04:00.000+12:00

Went out shopping with Jackie today. Ah, so satisfying! There's nothing like retail therapy, haha. Especially when you get bargains. I managed to get 2 tops for $65 down from the discounted price of $74! (Originally $105 - so pricey!) :D Only unsatisfactory thing was the crappy dinner we had. Oh well, can't have everything. At least both Jackie and I got to satisfy our cravings for spicy beef soup and fish eggs soup - luckily Kangnam was good today - and our desire for shopping, shopping, and more shopping!!

Firstly, the amount of bags...

Then, the individual items...

Doesn't it look oh-so-sweet? Like marshmallows~!

A cropped jacket, finally!

The two pieces I got for $65

What they look like together...

Hairpins! I wonder if that's a real Anna Sui... probably not. :P

I spent... a lot of money, but let's not think about that. Hehe.. Sigh, I love shopping! XD

She

2006-06-19T23:27:00.000+12:00

She looks longingly outside the window, trying to recall the freedom that has been denied from her. She sits in despair, slowly drowning in a sea of helplessness. So tired she feels, not even a smile could she manage. Knowing only numb routine, she weeps silently in her chair.

This cage she's in, it has no bars, but instead is molded by expectations and pressure. So often she steps into its trap, she barely remembers different. Her heart is weak, her soul almost breaking, her strength fading away. She stands alone in her solitude and struggles to break free. But her efforts are all in vain, for she could not this prison escape.

So she sits in painful resignation, and throws away all foolish hopes for freedom. This wall that surrounds her grows ever higher, gradually closing in on her. Will she ever escape this prison? This doomed, dark despair? Or will she, finally, perish... only to be revived and placed in this vicious trap again?

I Don't Need To Be Beautiful

2006-06-12T17:04:00.000+12:00

"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

"It's not what's outside, it's what's inside that counts."

"Appearances are not important, it's who you are that is important."

How many times have you heard the above sentences before? Many times, I would believe. Parents, teachers, friends... even Hollywood movies (occasionally) tell us so. They are good messages. They tell us that appearances aren't everything. It's who we are as people: our moral value, our personality, our integrity, our... inner beauty, if you will, that matters most of all. You may not be beautiful on the outside, but you may dazzle with the brilliance of a thousand suns on the inside.

What a freaking cliche.

It's not that I disagree. Oh, I agree wholeheartedly, seeing as I'm not one of those beautiful people you see on magazines, television, or even on the street. I am plain. I know that, and I can accept it. I don't need to be beautiful on the outside to know I deserve happiness like everyone else. Except... I'm not that beautiful on the inside, either. Like my appearance, I'm plain on the inside. So sometimes, I wonder, does that make me less deserving?

I'll admit, I have bad thoughts sometimes, especially when I'm in a rage. I'd wish some people would just drop dead and die. I've enjoyed seeing some people suffer, and I even make them suffer. And sometimes, I have absolutely no empathy at all. I admit to all those crimes. Right now, I feel like the ugliest person on earth.

But I regret having those thoughts. I regret my actions and behavior, especially when I actually contribute to other people's suffering. I am not so cold and cruel as to believe my every action to be right. And I try my best to be a good person: a good student, friend, daughter... but it's just not that easy. I slip, and I forget sometimes... And the ugly side of me rears its horrendous head, scaring even me.

So I'm not beautiful inside. In fact, I can be very, very ugly at times. Does that mean I'm less deserving of life and happiness than others?

I'm not always ugly on the inside. I may not radiate with purity and goodness like some people, but I definitely try my best to be good. And effort and sincerity should count towards something, shouldn't they?

I don't need to be beautiful on the inside to deserve the happiness every human being should have the right towards. I don't. I try my best, and I am sincere... and that, should be sufficient enough.

I wish I didn't need to remind myself of that everyday.

I Feel Antisocial

2006-06-11T17:39:00.000+12:00

Have you ever woken up, feeling like it's the worst day ever, even if the day hasn't started yet?

I have, and today is one such day.

No reason for it. No rational or logical explanation. It just is.

So I didn't reply anyone's texts. Still don't feel like it either. I hate today.

Flawed

2006-06-04T22:18:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, you meet people so nice, so perfect... that you think they're flawless. You admire them, idolise them.. You think they're saints, even. You question yourself, wonder why they want to be your friend. You think yourself a lucky, lucky soul.

But then one day, you realise that the person, that perfect being, is flawed.

I won't say that your world comes crashing down, because that hardly ever happens, only in times of real tragedy... but it's close enough. You get confused. You don't understand why that formerly perfect person became imperfect.

You start getting mad, even when you have no reason to be. You feel disappointed, simply because you've raised that person up to such high ideals, that you feel like they've failed your expectations. You even start to believe that they had no right to disappoint you so... as if it was ever your right to start with in the first place.

Slowly, but surely, you realise what you're doing. You laugh at your own irrationality. But you still can't get rid of that nagging feeling, that bitter taste of disappointment. There's a reason why you foolishly thought that person to be perfect... It's because you're flawed, and you hate every single impurity about you, hopelessly wishing you'd be perfect some day. But that day never comes, and instead, you encounter a being that seemed so perfect at first glance, you immortalise that moment of perfection. So when the person turns out to be not so perfect, as we all are really, you feel betrayed. Hurt.

You come back to earth soon enough, realise your miserable stupidity in thinking there was such a thing as perfection anyway. But still.. you're disappointed. Deep inside, you're still waiting for that perfect being, who will take your breath away, who will accept all your flaws... So contradictory, isn't it? You, who are flawed in so many ways, wish for only perfection.. yet demands perfection to accept your imperfection.

Enjoy The Moment

2006-05-25T00:41:00.000+12:00

Tonight (or is it last night? hehe!), I went out with a couple of friends from high school. It was so nice to just hang out and see each other. I noticed how much they've changed, and they noticed the change in me too.

I guess change is inevitable. It could be for the better, it could be for the worse. Whatever it is, it can't be undone. I was about to worry again, of what people would think of me after seeing so much of me has changed, but I stopped myself. Why not just enjoy the moment?

I think too much, make a fuss out of nothing, and I overreact. Might as well savour the moment, and enjoy life! Tonight was just what I needed after being burdened with assignments all week. Life isn't always good.. You just have to make it so.

The Brutality of Honesty

2006-05-24T07:58:00.000+12:00

Honesty is brutal. No matter how nicely you phrase it, how much you try to soften the blow, it is still that.

I want you to be honest with me, and not let me be blind to my own flaws. But that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

I say I want things to be clear when it comes to the truth, and I rather let the painful truth torment me than live in blissful ignorance... but I don't know what I want anymore.

Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy.

Note: Don't ask me who this is about. I won't tell.

Open Your Eyes and Judge For Yourself Before You Start Accusing!

2006-05-23T07:52:00.000+12:00

Let me say this once, and once only.. I HATE being accused of doing something I DID NOT do! To even freaking imply that I would lie, while she wouldn't... it's just preposterous! Thanks for not allowing me even the benefit of a doubt. I can see my friendship means nothing compared to your friendship with her.

I thought I was being a good friend by lending a listening ear. She can't talk to him, because it's about him. So she comes to me, pours her heart out, making me feel bad for her, but also making me feel kinda honoured at the same time that she would confide in me... except she would turn around, and twist the story another way so that she could bond with him.

I don't care if you think I'm being too sensitive and too defensive. I DON'T CARE. How dare you even come to me and say those things to me when I had an assignment to rush! How dare you!

I could defend myself. I even have 'evidence' to back me up. But I don't want to show it to you, like I'm trying to save my sorry ~~ass~~ by making feeble excuses. I don't need to prove myself to you.

I had to go back to this again, something I wrote early this year, something I need to revisit:

Principle #2: Don't ever compromise yourself for others.

And maybe for once, I will really follow my own principles. Let's see if I've learnt my lesson.

Don't They Know How To Stop?

2006-05-16T13:26:00.000+12:00

At first, I thought they didn't know when to stop. But actually, they just don't know how to stop.

I came so close to screaming my lungs out. Instead, I bent down, put my hands through my hair, actually pull it so much that it hurts (yet not actually pull out any hair fibres), and let out a silent scream.

My head hurts, and I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't need this. I have 5 assignments to do, and exams are just less than a month away. Why can't they just stop it, and let it be?

All this drama and artificiality... it makes me sick.

One day, I won't be able to take it anymore, and I'll just... I don't actually know what I'll do. Explode? Scream? No, I'll just quit the group for good.

Right now, I'll tolerate as much as I can. Who knows how long that will last?

Just A Quick One

2006-05-15T21:39:00.000+12:00

I'm about to leave uni, so I thought I write a little something before I go. Let's face it, I'm not gonna get anything done tonight.

Just spent a bit of time listening to a friend talk.

Sometimes, it's really nice just to listen to other people for a change. Just listen, but not do anything about it. It's a way to get to know that person better, a way to get closer. But at the same time, knowing I can't do anything about it... Makes me wish I rather not have known in the first place.

Sigh. Why is life always so complicated? Aah, gotta go and return the laptop back to IC!

Drifting Apart

2006-05-14T02:21:00.000+12:00

It's so odd these days. I get closer to my newer friends than my older ones. It's not that I'm dumping my older friends for the new, it's just... things change.

Some friends seem to slip away. We don't see each other as much anymore, and we don't talk as much anymore. They're either too wrapped up in other people's problems, or they're not wrapped up enough. Does that even make sense?

I wish I could talk to you about certain things, but I know you don't want to listen to them.

So now, I think I've been latching onto a particular friend too much. He seems to be the only one not drifting away, the only one who's been the same as before. Even when the person I want to call is you, I call him instead.

I know you don't want to get involved in all the drama that's been going on, and you want to avoid it as much as possible, but it almost feels like you're avoiding me too. I know that's not your intention. I know.

I just wish you even know we're drifting apart.

I Wish I Didn't Love You So Much

2006-05-14T02:03:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, I think you do it on purpose. You inflict pain on the rest of us, and you try to pick a fight, as if peace and quiet are too much for you to handle.

It's such a pity that I love you so much. (Are you even aware of that?) Because if I didn't love you at all, life would be so much easier. I won't have to pretend your words don't stab me like the cold blade of a dagger. I won't have to try to swallow my tears, which should be bitter but aren't.

Sometimes, I wonder if you love me even a little. Or if you don't, do you like me at all? Tell me you hate me, even. At least I know there's some emotion there, rather than having utter nothingness. I can't stand being invisible in your eyes.

If only I didn't love you.. Things would be so much easier, and less painful.

There Are Bad Days, And There Are Good Days

2006-05-11T08:16:00.000+12:00

Maybe it's because of the presence of bad days that occur more than good ones, I get really happy when I have a good day. Funny how we can only appreciate the good things in life when we have something bad to compared to. Geez.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a good day. In fact, I'm still happy from last night. No, not hyperactive-I-had-too-much-sugar-happy. I am so not high all the time, contrary to popular belief. I just choose to be so at times. It's more entertaining.

Thank you, Big Uncle for dropping me home, and Small Uncle for not making Big Uncle abandon me. Thank you so much laaaa. Must do this more often - all the singing aloud in the car, swerving to the side of the road for Momo's (then leave 3 seconds later), making crude jokes. Too bad Jackie wasn't there.. otherwise we'll be the Paihia gang, reunited!

Thank you to you-know-who for the very... interesting phone call. I think we're supposed to feel at least a little awkward with each other, although I have a feeling that we won't. It's so not normal that we're so at ease with one another. Hmm... is that a good thing? Or bad thing?

Yesterday Was A Very Normal Day

2006-05-09T09:22:00.000+12:00

warning: long post ahead!

Yesterday was one of those days.

There were several talks, talks I rather not have. It just gives me too much conflicted feelings, and perhaps too much insight on other people's relationships. Some frustrate me to bits, to the extent where I wanna tear my hair out and scream, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Others make me sad, especially when I know I can't get myself involved, although I want to help.

Situation #1:
Two guys, previously good friends, currently not even talking to one another. They tell their side of the story to several people, in which each retelling is transformed and mutated into something so different... that no one knows what's true anymore. They force their friends to take sides, not knowing the pain and agony we go through for their sakes.

All this over a misunderstanding that could have been solved easily enough if only they could swallow their damn pride and see past their anger. I wish I could just slap the two of them, and tell them to freaking wake up already! Nothing can be worth destroying a friendship for, especially not a misunderstanding.

Situation #2:
Two girls, previously good friends, currently avoiding each other as much as they can. They tell me their side of the story, but while listening to them, I noticed something... Everything they say is the same, except that they're talking about each other! I don't know if I find this funny (funny-peculiar, not funny-haha), or if I find this sad. I've always thought they know more about each other than anyone else in our group of friends, but this just shows that it's not true. In fact, they don't seem to know about each other at all.

It makes me wish I could just let them know what they both think about the other. If they would just talk, truthfully, to one another... I'm pretty sure things will work out in the end. But they're both so unwilling to confront each other, and so determined in thinking they're right.

Situation #3:
One guy and one girl, previously good friends, currently pretending that they are still good friends. Something happened between them, something that crossed the barrier of friendship a while ago. They were quick to recover from the incident, preferring to remain friends. I was so amazed that they were so clever in handling the situation, that they could see past awkwardness, and preserve their friendship. I was wrong. Although they are close, there's still something there that's just... not right. They're not as close as they used to be, although they want to be.

I wish I could tell them to be honest, really honest like they said they would. Then perhaps they could get what they want - the closeness they once shared and now yearn for.

The thing about these three situations is the fact that I want to help, yet I can't. I know I can't get myself involved in their problems. I don't want to make things worse than they already are. And it is their problem, not mine. They have to be the one to make things right again... I can only listen when they need a listening ear, and be as good a friend as I can be. There's also the fact that I can't take the burden of my friends. It hurts too much. I'm already laden with my own worries. I can't take on other people's worries as well. I'm stressed enough as it is, and when I'm stressed out, I tend to take it out on other people... and that's not fair at all.

*****

On a lighter note:

I had a weird dream the night before. I dreamed that a friend of mine died in an accident, and I cried, half-awake and half-asleep. Somehow, I knew it was just a dream, so I just continued sleeping.

I don't quite understand the dream, although I hardly understand any of my dreams anyway... seeing as most of them are quite nonsensical. Maybe it's because death has been on my mind lately (see my previous post). Or maybe it's because I've been dealing with the theme of death in my English literature class. Or maybe it's because it's autumn, when leaves are falling off branches, leaving bare and almost dying trees. Who knows? It's probably a combination of everything, and most likely, me being melodramatic again.

I just hope it's not some kind of omen. Even if my friends make me stressed and worried, I still like them to be all among the living. I rather suffer these bouts of depression that seem to infect me every now and then, than suffer the loss of my friends.

Life's Too Short

2006-05-04T21:39:00.000+12:00

People always say "life's too short", and that we should live every day like it's our last... but how many of us actually do it? Do we really want to go through every day like it's the last day? Wouldn't that just be really depressing?

Yes, I know that it means you're supposed to appreciate everything you've got, and actually enjoy life. It's just easier said than done.

Recently, I heard from a friend that her friend's dying from a tumour. It really shocked me. Even though it isn't someone I know... the fact that it's someone our age.. The prospect of it just scares me.

A thought struck me: What if I die tomorrow?

I will never be able to go to Venice and float along the river in a gondola. I will never be able to watch a play on Broadway in New York. Or go to China and see my grandmother's hometown. Or finish my undergraduate degree. Or read the neverending list of books I've always wanted to read. Or master Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Or say "I love you".

It's the last one that seems the most possible and the most impossible at the same time. Perhaps it's my Asian upbringing, or simply my non-sentimental family.. but saying "I love you" is just something I can't manage. I could say it in jest, but to say it seriously? Impossible. To write it down already takes a tremendous amount of courage. To say it aloud suggests I have more courage than I actually do.

So forgive me for not being able to say it. That doesn't mean that I don't mean it. I try to show it, and if you think that I'm not showing that I love you, please try to keep in mind that I'm trying my best.

No matter how long we've known each other, how much we understand each other, I still love and care for you. Even if we've grown apart, even if we don't talk anymore, that doesn't mean you're gone from my heart.

I love you all.

Maybe someday, I can say it aloud.

I Shall Not Be Bothered

2006-04-30T16:39:00.000+12:00

I was being really, really stupid last night.

Got all worked up over two idiots who don't seem to care or know (which just might be worse, actually) that they're being selfish by dragging everyone into their problem. Got into a 'fight' of a sort with him, which didn't actually involve us.

What a crazy night. Phone calls were made and received, and text messages were sent back and forth. Accusations, yelling matches, tears of frustration... all in one night. What a drama!

All this over two people with a matter that could have been small, and could have been solved... if only they just talk to each other!

I was thinking before about how I feel the need to do something, anything to help this situation.. I was actually agonising over it, actually losing sleep! But I know what I have to do now.

I shall not be bothered. I won't do anything, but just let those two guys work it out and settle the problem among themselves. It's not my problem, but theirs. I've had it with their silly antics. (Stop dragging everyone into it, and force us to take sides!)

Doing this might lead to two different consequences:

(1) This whole thing will just blow over, and we'll resume 'normal' life again.
(2) Things get worse and more tense, and the group will be split into two sides.

If the first situation happens, I'll be glad. In fact, that's what I'm hoping will happen. But if the second situation happens instead... in which I'm forced to take a side... I'll just step out. I don't care if I lose friends. What's the point of having these so-called friends when they're so willing to tear you apart? I rather be alone.

Let those two fight it out. Just leave the rest of us alone.

Too Spot-On

2006-04-29T00:48:00.000+12:00

I am addicted to online tests. Meaningless ones, silly ones, weird ones, useful ones.. I love them all. But I especially love Tickle, because it's not as generic and baseless and stupid as others. And also, they're usually quite spot-on.

I did a test on Tickle today, and when I saw the test result, I froze for a second. The result was so spot-on, so true... it just hit a nerve. It was just a bit too accurate for my liking.

I'm the type of person who knows what problems she has and won't deny having problems... but would not want to do anything about it. I need help, I know. See there? I just admitted that I need help, but I would not actually do anything.

Looking at the result on the computer screen made me feel cold down to my stomach. It feels like even something mechanical and completely emotionless like an online test can strip me down to my core and analyse me, picking and prodding at me like I'm some sort of experiment. I feel sick. And helpless.

And yet I'm addicted to these tests. You don't have to tell me I have a problem. I know.

Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae

2006-04-26T23:15:00.000+12:00

Corinne Bailey Rae, picture taken from http://www.corinnebaileyrae.net/

I'm just so in love with Corinne Bailey Rae's song, Put Your Records On, these days. Her voice is just so soulful and so alluring... I love it so much.

Put Your Records On

Three little birds, sat on my window.

And they told me I don't need to worry.

Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet

Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.

Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,

Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,

(just relax, just relax)

Don't you let those other boys fool you,

Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright

The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.

Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take,

Pity for pity's sake

Some nights kept me awake,

I thought that I was stronger

When you gonna realise,

That you don't even have to try any longer,

Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down. x2

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

I Miss You.

2006-04-25T02:47:00.000+12:00

For some reason, I'm plagued by a sudden bout of nostalgia.

Suddenly, I miss Malaysia. But more than that, I miss my friends back there.

I almost wrote 'back home', but I stopped myself. It's not as if Malaysia isn't home anymore, it's just that I'm confused as to where 'home' should be for me now. They say 'home is where the heart is', but my heart isn't just in one place anymore. It's here and there and everywhere.

I left a part of my heart when I left Malaysia, and there it still lies, perhaps waiting for me to claim it back. I took out another part of my heart when I arrived in New Zealand, and put it into a new life and new friends. But there's still another part - a very small part that can't decide where it wants to go, a part that wonders if it will ever decide.

It doesn't help at all that I found out my oldest friend in the world, who knows me the most and understands me the most, is leaving from Malaysia for London next year, months before my next trip back. It just makes me wanna race to the airport and hop on the first flight to Malaysia... Just so I can give her a hug and say goodbye.

I'm starting my bad habit of thinking "what if? what if?" again. What if I had stayed at Malaysia? Would I be having the same friends that I had 4 years ago, the same dreams, same ideals, same life? Would I be the same person I was 4 years ago?

But there's no point thinking about all these, is there? Because I can't turn back the hands of time, and undo everything that's happened. No matter how hard I wish things were different, it wouldn't make a difference, because the past is the past. There's no changing it.

I can think rationally now, but sometimes, I really can't help myself and all these thoughts running through my mind. I know thinking about the past is pointless and useless, but I still do it. I know there's no use being sad for things I can do nothing about, and yet I want to weep. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling all these emotions I'm going through right now.

I miss Malaysia. I miss my friends. I miss my cousins. I miss my old life and past dreams, but most of all, I miss me - the old me.

We've All Got Trust Issues

2006-04-22T16:45:00.000+12:00

All of us, at some point in life at least, have some trust issues. It just varies from individual to individual in terms of how deep they are. But sometimes, I'm still surprised at how mistrusting people can be, even of their friends.

I know you shouldn't believe everything people say or do, because we're humans, and we can lie with amazing skills. But I tend to have trust in my friends. Until they betrayed that trust, that is.

Recently, I found out that among one of my circles of friends, most of them are wary of each other. It's hard to believe, since they act like they're so close with one another. It makes me worry: Do these people trust me, like they led me to believe? Or is it just one big lie? It makes me think if I should trust them. After all, if they can lie with such convincing skill to people they've known longer than me, who knows what they tell me is ever the truth?

But then I think back to myself: Can I honestly say that I trust them completely? No, I can't. If I said that, I would be voicing these thoughts to them, not on here.

So, I guess we just have to give-and-take. I don't trust you all the time, and you don't trust me all the time. All's fair and square... except that life isn't very satisfying that way, is it?

Feeling Up And Down, Plus An "Announcement"

2006-04-16T01:27:00.000+12:00

Funny how I can feel kinda happy, and kinda sad (refer to my previous post) at the same time... It's quite a horrible feeling. You feel like you're up in the air, but then you're reminded of something else, and you fall like a pile of rocks. Imagine that happening again and again and again.

Well, on a lighter note, I feel like I have to make an announcement - a happy one. Some people may already know, and some may suspect, and some may be totally clueless. But please let me tell you that no matter what, you guys are important to me. Even if I didn't tell you first thing it happened, that doesn't mean I don't think of you as a friend. Please don't think that, ever. It's just that sometimes, I can be really secretive. I know, I know. Secretive and having a big mouth? Hardly seems likely, does it? But it's true.

Okay, back to my 'announcement'. *Take a deep breath* Here it goes:

I am in a... relationship, if you will call it that. Not sure if I'm using the right 'term'. I have no idea about these kinds of stuff. It's so darn confusing the way people have all sorts of different terms and different definitions. But I digress. He reads this blog, so I'm not gonna mention his name, just in case he's uncomfortable about it. He has a blog, but I'm not gonna give his url either, just in case some people (Hui Ying, I'm talking about you!) decides to stalk him. Only I can stalk him, ok? Haha..

I know, you guys will probably think, "Suet Li? The girl who says she'll never date, the one who always say Who needs guys anyway? and I'm single, and I'm proud!?" Don't ask me why. I don't understand this either. Shit happens? Oh wait... that's not the right thing to say, is it? Haha.. Things happen, then.

Congratulate me. Now. Or I'll break your bones. Haha.. Actually, I'm serious. I will break your bones, or dream of doing that anyway. Otherwise, I'll just think evil thoughts about you, and you'll be plagued by sneezing all day long! Muahahahah!

Stop Pushing Me Away

2006-04-16T01:14:00.000+12:00

Why is it that every time I think I'm getting closer to you, you seem to push me farther and farther away? How can you do that? Make me feel all happy, and let me fall to the ground? That's not fair, not fair at all. I thought you wanted me to be more than a mere friend. Sometimes, I could almost think of you as a brother. Isn't that what you want? Stop pulling me in only to push me away, because that's not okay. That's not okay at all.

Do you resent me? Is that it? Because if that's so, tell me. Even though some things have changed, that doesn't mean I can't still be your friend. I thought you'd be happy for me. But you're not, are you? You think I've betrayed you.

I am still your friend. Inside, I'm still the same girl. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Don't push me away and go to someone else. I'm still here... still waiting for my friend, the one who wanted me for a sister.

I Want To Start With A Clean Slate

2006-04-09T02:31:00.000+12:00

I told myself, sometime last week, that I should quit all the drama in my life by starting with a clean slate. No history to pull me down, memories to drag me back, secrets to screw me up. I really want to start with a clean slate. Honestly I do.

But is forgetting the past the solution? Pretending nothing happened, living up to the saying "ignorance is bliss" - does that work?

I don't understand why I do this all the time. When everything's okay, everything's calm and "normal", I go and dig up things that pain me. Am I some sort of masochistic freak?

I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing... Sure, ignorance can be bliss. But if I were to choose to be aware of the whole, painful truth, or to be in the dark the whole time, stupidly enjoying a faked existence? (Think The Truman Show) I'd choose to know the truth. To be ignorant isn't bliss, it's stupidity.

The truth... it's something that matters a lot to me, although to be honest, I don't practice it that much myself these days. In this world where truth isn't worth a cent, it's hard to be truthful. It's hard to trust people nowadays, and I find myself testing them in various ways. It's a horrible, horrible way to live life - this always testing, never trusting, forever cautious way of living.

It's hard to start with a completely new and clean slate. We can't go back in time and start things anew all over again. Life just doesn't work out that way. I want to be able to forget the past, but I can't. It's simply not that easy for me. I'm sick of people lying to me, and me lying to them. I don't want to have to lie to myself too.

Tell me that I can trust you. Go ahead, tell me. I'll try my best to place my faith in you, but to be absolutely and brutally honest, I will always be cautious. Until you've proved you're trustworthy, I'll remain suspicious and dubious.

I Should Stop Thinking So Much

2006-04-04T23:29:00.000+12:00

I don't think I should be allowed to be alone with my thoughts for too long. I should just focus on things like doing my assignments, reading my readings, listening to my lectures and so on. Because I realize something. I always get depressed when I'm alone with my thoughts for too long. I start thinking about stuff and reflecting on my life in general. Things become clearer, and frankly, some things just ain't that great.

I've always known that I'm someone who's desperate to please. I just didn't know I'm still that person. Thinking back, I realized that I was far too willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I thought it was my duty as a friend, to please them and think of their happiness. But then, why didn't I think about me? They never thought of my happiness, never thought of pleasing me. In fact, they even have the guts to tell me to do or don't do something, because they don't want to be affected. How can these people call themselves my friends?

Maybe... maybe they never did.

I was a replacement - was, not am, because the person I 'replaced' is back. I should feel angry, mad, upset... But all I feel is resignation. I knew from the start that I was a mere replacement, nothing more. But like a moth to a flame, I plunged in, hoping that it could be different. The moth never did survive the fire, did it?

I was quite sad, at first. I hate being sad, much more than being angry. Anger is a temporary emotion, strong but fleeting. Sad is a much more permanent emotion. It stays and haunts you day after day, the pain only growing stronger. But then I reminded myself that I have a lot of things to be happy about. I have no reason, nay, no excuse to be sad.

So I shall be cheerful. It's not forced, no. It's just that I've learnt to find happiness when I'm sad. Not everything is worth grieving over. In fact, so many other things are worth celebrating.

I am happy. I shall stop plaguing myself with depressing thoughts, and focus on the happy thoughts. Things are going quite well these days. Not telling the details, but yes, things are going quite well these days. Plus, the mid-semester break is coming up. A break from uni is definitely more than welcomed.

I Know I'm Unreasonable But I Don't Care

2006-03-31T00:30:00.000+12:00

I know I can be really unreasonable sometimes. Heck, you know I can be unreasonable sometimes (well, maybe, all the time). But to be honest, sometimes I just don't care. I just can't be bothered. I'm sick of caring about what other people think. I'm tired, you know. I have a life - my life. I don't want to waste my time worrying about what other people might think of the way I speak or behave.

I've been stressing out lately. Don't ask me what. It's just a whole range of things, all combined together into one throbbing headache.

So can you blame me for being more unreasonable than usual?

Why is it that some people ask you to accept them as they are, yet demand you to change who you are? How is that fair, I ask you? I realize that I, too, demand change in people... I know I shouldn't, but I do it anyway, because I have a fairly high standard of expectation in people. I expect you to live up to it, even though I should know that you can't live up to it. As long as you don't dictate my life, I'm fine. So stop telling me about how I'm acting in such a horrible way, because you do it too. Stop telling me to keep your so-called secrets, when you're going around announcing to everyone. Stop acting like you know me so much, because you don't know me at all.

I realise that I can be mean, petty, childish and so on... but can you please admit that you have flaws too? Is that so hard to do?

I'm mean, because I'm moody and depressed and stressed. Can you see that? Sometimes, it's because of something you did.. something that hurt me, so I want to take revenge and hurt you back. Petty, I know. But I never said I was mature, did I?

I'm childish, and I complain and whine about trivial stuff... but that's because I need to get my mind off certain other, serious things. You're childish too, sometimes. Why is it called "fooling around and being fun" when it's you, but simply called "whiny and childish" when it's me? What's with the double standard?

I'm tired of being around certain people. I need to distance myself from them for a while. They're not good for me at all. All they do is agitate me. I don't have time for this. Not now. Actually, not ever.

I can't do this - this whole change-myself-for-the-better. It's not fair. You're unreasonable too, yet you insist you're in the right, and I'm in the wrong. Why should I change myself? Can we just tell each other how much we hate each other's guts and get this over with? Can we just be honest, no matter how brutal? Isn't honesty the best policy?

Except that honesty hardly ever works in real life, does it? It only comes back and stabs you in the back. I had too much experience with "honesty" and "confrontation" in the past. Nothing good ever comes out from it. All you get is pain and more pain.

So I shall continue life as normally as I could. Whatever that means, anyway. I'll pretend I don't hate you, pretend you don't hurt me, pretend you don't stress me out. Life works out better that way.

Humour Can Be A Double-Edged Blade

2006-03-27T23:54:00.000+12:00

Funny how humour can be such a double-edged blade. We use it to connect with others, get acquainted with strangers... but at the same time, we use it as a shield of defence, as a way to protect ourselves from being hurt.

What is it about putting up a front that appeals to us so much? Why are we so afraid to reveal whom we really are? Are we afraid of being embarassed? Or are we simply afraid of being hurt? (Because we have been hurt so many times before)

Maybe it's because that's the only way we can feel safe - by hiding behind an invisible wall. Hoping that no one will ever find out, yet desperately hoping someone will just tear it down.

Some People Really Piss Me Off

2006-03-23T14:01:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, I can get so freaking pissed off at people. Just makes me wanna scream at them and tear my hair out of frustration.

Every time I feel guilty about being mean to some people, they just piss me off all over again.

I know I'm being unreasonable, and I'll probably feel bad for being so mean later, but now... I don't really give a damn.

I guess I just can't be close friends with some people, despite the fact that we can get on well sometimes. He's childish, and so am I. And we clash all the time.

Okay, already I'm regretting my harsh words. But I'm too stubborn to say sorry or anything else.

Breaking Down

2006-03-18T10:42:00.000+13:00

I broke down last night. It was so stupid, really. I was so desperate for some company, and so desperate to get out of the house that I rang a friend. He had dropped me home earlier, and I thought maybe he was still nearby. It was so embarassing, the way I babbled into the phone, and never even told him who I was. He must have noticed I was kinda distressed, because later on, another friend texted me and rang me up to see if I was okay. I even rang up another friend, thinking he'd be at uni, studying. That was how desperate I was to escape the house - I'd rather go to uni (at night)! He was at home, though. By then, I couldn't even stop myself from babbling even further. It was both stupid and embarassing.

I can't believe I let myself break down like that in front of my friends. I hardly ever do that. But the more I told myself I was okay, I was tough... the more vulnerable I felt.

The text messages and phone calls I received... they made me cry even harder. I was feeling worthless, feeling like I was trash because of someone I love. Yet, people whom I've known for a shorter time were concerned about me, and that made me feel so bitter. How can I feel so loved, and unloved, at the same time?

Things will change, I think, with those friends. Even if just a little. I let my guard down for a while and exposed myself. But I can't share what happened last night with them. I can't share with anyone. My heart's still weak from the crying, and I feel too feeble. I don't want to be vulnerable again. I can't take it.

I thought I could smile today, and be my usual hyperactive self. But I can't. It's too painful. I'll avoid people for a while. Just a while. I'll be normal again. I need things to be normal. I don't want to break down again.

I am tough. I am strong. I can do this.

I Cut Deep, Sometimes

2006-03-15T20:46:00.000+13:00

I realise that I can be too straightforward sometimes. I'm brutal in trying too hard to be witty. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I know I say that a lot, but I am genuinely sorry.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just trying to be... me.

A friend told me that I have "a degree of wit that can cut". I didn't know that. I don't mean to hurt people. Well, most of the time anyway. I admit, sometimes I want to hurt people, and so I cut them. And even then, it's because they piss me off by being unreasonable. But most of the time, I'm just being me.

I'll try to be more cautious. But that also means I'll have to hide the real me. I don't like that. I'm already secretive enough as it is. I thought I could be me without being afraid. Was I wrong?

I cut, sometimes. But sometimes, you, too, cut me. We bleed and bleed till our veins are dry... and still, we refuse to accept each other the way we are. Here I am, asking you to accept me the way I am. And yet, I ask you to change. We cut each other, and we are drained and tired... but we live. I guess you can't please everyone, including yourself.

Sometimes I Feel Like Crying For No Reason At All

2006-03-11T18:31:00.000+13:00

It's not like something bad happened. It's not as if I'm depressed. But sometimes, out of the blue, I feel like crying. There's no reason for it. I just want to have a good cry.

Maybe it's the stress of uni. After such a long holiday, I almost forgot how uni life was like. When it's busy, it's hectic like the traffic jams in KL at 5pm. When it's leisurely, I feel so bored out of my mind that I crave for hectic chaos again.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm holding my breath in a lot. That's why I sigh a lot. My friends always complain that I sigh too much, but it's like I'm suffocating, you know? I just need to release my breath every now and then.

It's when I'm thinking seriously about things that I start holding in my breath. Like in order to organise my thoughts and get my mind around certain things, I have to stop my breathing for just a little bit. I guess I'm not that good in multi-tasking, am I?

I think it's gonna be good to go shopping with Mom tomorrow. I need some activity that doesn't require much brainpower. Plus, it'll be quality mother-daughter time. Went to uni to study today. Wasn't very productive. I'm just so slow in absorbing facts! I think during the week, I better study during my breaks in iSpace, rather than just lying on the unbelievably comfortable couches. Easier said than done, of course.

I'll Kiss You Everyday and Tell You I Love You

2006-03-08T22:38:00.000+13:00

When I have a child someday, I'm gonna love him like mad. Yes, him. For some reason, I want my first child to be a boy. I guess I have way too many cute little boy cousins, and I just love them to bits, so I want something of a clone. Plus, two of my boy cousins kissed me and told me they missed me when I went on a holiday... It's just too sweet for words.

I'm gonna hug him everyday, kiss him everyday, and tell him how much I love him everyday.

I don't think I should have more than one kid, 'cos I'll probably spoil my son rotten, and that's not fair to his little sister (one son, one daughter), is it?

Seriously, I think I'll be the type of mom who smothers her kid with too much affection and spoils him. Not a good parenting strategy, but heck, I'll do it anyway.

Every time I see a mom with her son on the bus, I fantasise about my future son.

I'll kiss him everyday, and make him kiss me everyday. I'll tell him "I love you" at least once a day, even when he starts to feel embarassed about it and say, "Mom!" I'll hug him in the mornings, and tuck him into bed at night. I'll tell him bedtime stories, and sing him lullabies. I'll cry the first day he goes to pre-school, and smile when he tells me about his day. I'll pack him sandwiches and fruits, buy him school uniform and shoes. I'll...

The list goes on and on and on. But you get the gist of it, don't you? That I'm gonna love my son to pieces every single day.

Funny thing is, when I dream about all this, the image of a husband never appears. It's always me, and my son. I guess in these days, you don't need a husband to raise a kid. So many people out there are struggling single parents who do their jobs well. Heck, I don't even need to get married. All I do is go to a sperm bank, or to an adoption agency. As long as I have my kid, I'm happy.

Just thinking about all this makes me so deliriously happy. Maybe it's time to think about names. How about Basil? I really like that name, for some reason. Basil Yap. Yeah, it'll work.

Unspoken Words

2006-03-07T23:35:00.000+13:00

Sometimes, I feel like I need to restrict the way I speak. It feels like there's something lodged in my throat. I can't swallow it down, nor spit it out. Instead, it's stuck there, neither in or out.

It feels... painful. Suffocating.

Unspoken words. How powerful would they be if spoken out loud? Friendships damaged, reputations ruined, truth painfully told.

We are afraid of losing those that we love, and so, we keep quiet. We do not take risks. We leave our words unspoken.

Anger, pain, sorrow... all these get built up higher and higher, the emotions intense. Yet still we say nothing. We keep it all inside, thinking everything will just go away... but it doesn't.

I hate restricting what I say sometimes, but I know I must keep my mouth shut. For the sake of not angering others, for the sake of pleasing others, for the sake of keeping the peace.

So every day I come home, a bundle of angry and pained words lodged in my throat. They are desperate to escape, but I keep them trapped inside. I want to shout, and release this neverending burden.

Instead, I cry into my pillow at night. I hope for truth, for release, and I dream. When I wake up in the morning, with words waiting to come out, I shall keep them imprisoned once again. Words will get stuck in my throat again, and I suffocate for a while. Then I'll cry at night, and I dream. And my words remain unspoken.

I Really, Really Hate My Uni Timetable

2006-03-06T08:50:00.000+13:00

It's a Monday morning, and I have class in 10 minutes. What do I do in this free time? Do my readings? Study my notes? Nope. Instead, I'm blogging.

I really hate my uni timetable, and so I need to complain before I burden my friends with my neverending rant.

There are days where I have a 5-hour "break" between classes. Do I: A) go home, rest, come out again; or B) stay at uni for the whole day? Answer: B. There is simply no point in taking 1 hour's bus ride home, rest for 2 hours +, and take another hour's bus ride to uni. It is just too tiring. So I stay at uni the whole day.

Not that I'm complaining. Okay, wait, that was a lie. Of course I'm complaining, but I've accepted the fact.

Except now that I just realised I might not be able to go to my monthly writers' meeting!

The meetings (which are on Mondays) start at 5.30pm, and end at 7pm. My last class on Mondays end at 6pm. That means by the time I reached the meeting, it'll be around 6.20pm. Which just leaves me 40 minutes to listen to other people, or read my stories. That is not a lot of time.

Curse you, ENGLISH219! Why do you end at 6pm? WHY??

Okay, I'm crazy now. I better leave for class.

There Is Nothing Worse

2006-03-04T23:10:00.000+13:00

Imagine you meet a friend from the past, and you remember the person, but the person doesn't remember you.

Horrible, right?

However, nothing is worse than having that person remembering you, but it turns out he mistook you for someone else.

So damn sad, man.

Imagine the joy I felt when he sent me a message, with the subject "hello, old friend". I felt important, acknowledged, treasured. An old classmate actually remembers me! But then, reading the message, my heart dropped. It wasn't me he remembered, it was a girl whose name was similar to mine.

Like I said, so sad.

It isn't so bad if we both couldn't remember each other. No harm done, after all. But in my shoes.. it's just not the same. I am a little hurt, knowing that I made no impact on this person's life. The egoistic me thought some people would remember me, years from now. I remembered them, didn't I? It only seemed fair if they remembered me, too.

But that's such a childish thought.

Oh well... on slightly happier thoughts, I met a guy, Ben, who's into anime today. Yay, I can leech anime off him. Woohoo! I borrowed Grave of the Fireflies from him. I heard it's really good and touching. Hehe. I shall watch it tomorrow, when I'm more awake.

Something Brave

2006-03-04T03:37:00.000+13:00

I think I did a brave thing today. I finally wrote an apology to someone I've hurt many years ago.

It had taken me a while to realise how petty and mean I was to this person. I thought myself far superior in personality and attributes, only to be proven wrong. I was obnoxious and stubborn and unforgiving.

Now it is I who ask for forgiveness.

It took me several years, but I've finally plucked up the courage to contact this person, and ask for forgiveness. Whether she decides to forgive me or not, is another case.

If she doesn't, I wouldn't blame her.

What matters now is the fact I've finally apologised to her. It was something that has plagued me for the past few years.

I'm sorry, Foong Yee. I wish I could say I never meant to hurt you, but at that time... I did. I'm sorry.

New Beginnings, Maybe?

2006-03-02T21:05:00.000+13:00

I've decided to unpublish all my posts that makes a reference to Y, as I'm unsure about how I'm feeling, and I do not want those posts as painful reminders. So, please, if I don't talk about it, don't ask me about it.

I'm thinking if I should make my blog more public. I mean, obviously, I'm flattered if I ever get more readership by chance, but there's not really the point. I was thinking of letting my NZ friends know about my blog. I'm not sure, though.

I mean, this started as a private blog. But I decided to let you guys know about it. And not long ago, I mentioned it on a public Lee Hom forum. So, if I'm perfectly willing to show this to total strangers, why not to my friends?

I guess it's just me and my fear of being hurt. I'm not sure if I should really get close to this bunch of people - most of whom I've only known for 2 months. But I have to take a risk. Life is never without risks, after all.

So, yeah, maybe I'll let them know. Just have to find a subtle way. Heh.

(story) The Dictator

2006-02-26T05:35:00.000+13:00

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to write a story that was long due. I was supposed to write a dictator-themed story for my writers' group during the last meeting. However, I couldn't write anything, so I went empty-handed. For some reason, I felt inspired earlier on. So I opened Microsoft Word, and with Rain's Sad Tango in my ears, I typed.

So here is the end result. But be warned, it is a bit darker than my usual stories.

You were always the dictator in my life. You controlled my freedom, and the people I love. I was to do whatever you say. I detested you. You were a thorn in my side, a dictator waiting to be overthrown. I was waiting for the right moment - the moment when you would fall from glory. After all, look at the dictators in history. They all fell from their unjust power, and if history has taught us one thing, it's that history repeats itself.

You were sitting in front of the television, your eyes glued to the box. You were eating breakfast, the cereal soggy in the bowl of milk. I waited for the opportune moment. It never came. You were always alert to what I was doing. You yelled at me to clean your mess as you went to the bathroom. My fists were clenched, my teeth gritted with silent fury.

I always searched for the perfect opportunity to attack. It was a time to rebel, a time to attack. You have victimized my family for far too long. Your dictatorship would end. And so, I waited. I waited for the perfect opportunity.

Once, I crushed some sleeping pills and mixed it in your cup of cocoa. I thought my plan would work, and we would be able to escape your clutches. I watched with glee as you brought the cup to your lips... and stopped. You stared at me, the suspicion glinting in your dark eyes. Then, you summoned my little sister, and told her to drink the cocoa. She was only too happy to. I gave out a cry, and pushed the cup away from my sister. You sneered at me, triumphant. I could only choke back my tears.

You were drunk that night, shouting abuse as you swaggered in through the door. You demanded for more alcohol, and I complied. As I handed you glasses after glasses of liquor, I saw an opportunity to attack. You were cautious still, making sure I took a sip from each glass I gave you. You never saw it coming, for you were far too drunk to see, let alone react.

I felt the pressure as the knife plunged into your soft stomach. You groaned, your eyes widening with surprise. I pulled the knife out, the blade stained with blood. It was so dark, almost black. You made a move, trying to grab the weapon from my hands, but you were too slow. Fuelled by anger, hatred and perhaps from the alcohol you made me consume, I plunged the knife into you once again. It was fairly easy the second time, and the third time, and the fourth.

By the time the neighbors arrived with the police, their hands over their mouths in horror, you were drowned in a puddle of blood. I laughed as the policemen dragged me away. I felt liberated as they put me away behind bars. I was finally free. You would no longer hurt me or my loved ones.

Didn't I tell you that history would repeat itself? All dictators fall from glory, including you. The oppressed would fight back, and win back the freedom that was rightfully theirs. It has always been that way in history, and it will always be that way.

So... what you think? Don't ask me how I got inspired. The idea.. just came to me. Don't worry, it's not based on real events.. well, not events in my life anyway. ;)

New Haircut... Again

2006-02-26T01:38:00.000+13:00

As I've mentioned, I've got a new haircut. According to my sis, it's "cute" and more suitable for me than my previous haircuts. For me, it's short and not disastrous! So, here are the required "before" and "after" photos:

before.. yes, i was trying to act cute :P

after.. me in my room - see part of The Beatles poster?

Am I being too much of a vainpot if I say I really like my new haircut? To be honest, I really hate my long hair. On certain days, it's manageable. On others, it's like a field of lalang. With short hair, it's so much more convenient. Not so hot when exercising or during summer, easy to manage, and best of all... I can get away with not combing my hair! Haha. Just joking, I do comb my hair, ok? It's just a possibility, that's all.. especially on days when I've slept late and have to rush for the bus. Heh.

Meme of Four... Yes, this is a filler post

2006-02-23T01:36:00.000+13:00

I'm doing this.. well, because it seems fun. I ~~stole~~ borrowed this meme from BlogoSquare. Here goes!

Four Blogs I Read Weekly

thinkcink.net (easy to relate to, and often insightful)
kennysia.com (he's funny as heck!)
minishorts.net (love her rants)
somewhere on the masthead (such a lovable dad and redhead)

Four Films I Can Watch Over and Over

Bicentennial Man (I cry everytime I watch it)
Hook (twist on Peter Pan)
Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp, Tim Burton.. need I say more)
Never Been Kissed (sweet, sweet romantic comedy)

Four TV Shows That I Like To Watch

America's Next Top Model (yes, I watch that!)
The Weakest Link (UK gameshow)
Blender (music programme)
Art Attack (hehe, I like that since I was a kid)

Four TV Serials that I Can't Miss

House (Hugh Laurie.. sigh!)
Monk (quirky, quirky character)
SVU: Special Victims Unit (able-to-relate-to characters)
Two And A Half Men (I love Charlie's and Alan's love-hate relationship)

Four Foods I Like

Grilled lemongrass chicken on vermicelli (Vietnamese)
Tom Yam Goong (Thai)
Mussels in a tomato broth (the one from SPQR - delicious!)
Peking duck (fat, oily, expensive.. but oh so yummy!)

Four Drinks I Love

Milo
Orange black bubble tea (from Taller Park)
Peach black bubble tea (from Taller Park)
Strawberry milk tea (from Momo)

Four Bloggers that I have tagged

Actually, just anyone who's interested. :)

So go... make a list! It's a fun way to know more about people.

I'm Back!

2006-02-23T00:53:00.000+13:00

Hello, everybody! I am back from my trip to Paihia. It was a fun trip, albeit a night of fighting and tiredness. Pictures will be posted up later, when I actually load the photos into the computer. Hehe.

The best part was the trip to Cape Reinga (will explain later), and the bonding between friends. In such a trip, there is no denying that you'll get to know your friends better. I found out about Jackie's family situation, Colin's admirable qualities, and Adrian's ever-growing weirdness.

Turns out only the 4 of us went for the trip... but it was a good thing. More than 4 people, and it wouldn't be as fun.

Since coming back on Monday evening, life has been slightly hectic. Or at least, that's how it feels to me. I'm still in holiday mode, I guess. After 4 days and 3 nights of beachside life, I'm almost intimidated by the city that is Auckland.

Tuesday, I went out with Jackie to uni to buy textbooks, have lunch, and stopped by Kathmandu (Jackie's workplace). I came home, check for updates on my friends' blogs, only to find one is feeling depressed. Chi Yee, I hope you're better now!!

Today (Wednesday), went out to uni again with my sis, but to settle some other stuff.. BNZ, locker hire, AUSA membership. Then, I went for a haircut. I am pleased to say I am definitely happy with my new hairstyle. (Will post up a pic later) The hairdresser was a bit reluctant to cut my hair at first, saying the hairstyle I wanted was too short. He then showed me a hairstyles magazine, and we both agreed on a particular hairstyle. It took him about 40 minutes, which is double the time he usually takes.. but I'm not complaining. Then, sis and I went home, took a rest, and went out again. For ice-skating. It's very paiseh to say this, but I suck at ice-skating! Most people didn't know how to skate at first, but picked it up quickly. Me? Let's just say by the time I mastered the art of not falling, it was 2 hours later. Haha. Oh well, it was fun.

So here ends my return-back-to-Auckland blog post. You're perfectly welcome to say you miss me in my comments box or CBox. ;P

I'm Gonna Cleanse Myself Off You

2006-02-13T13:39:00.000+13:00

I have an unhealthy obsession with you these days. The only time you do not plague my thoughts is when there is loud noise, and during sleep. Thank goodness I don't dream of you. At least, in the sanctuary of my dreamland, I am safe.

This weekend, I'm gonna go off on a 3-day trip, and boy, I'm glad you're not going. I'm gonna take that time to have fun, and cleanse my thoughts. When I return, semester 1 will start, and hopefully, this hoo-hah will end. Direct your attention somewhere else, and leave me at peace. The others, they too, should leave me alone. Are you so cowardly, that you will not tell me yourself, but make our friends attack me? You... you infuriate me!

They say that I haven't seen the real you, but I think I might have.. and I don't like it one bit. Yes, sure, people have different facets to them.. Different personalities may emerge from one same person, but I sure don't like what I'm seeing emerging from you.

I don't want to see you for... at least a week, maybe? But your birthday is soon, and I'd feel bad for neglecting you on that one special day. But then, you don't seem to have any plans anyway, so this is the best, perhaps?

I haven't even bought your present. I thought of making something for you, at first, but now I rather spend money than waste my effort on you.

I need to spend some time without you, because I don't like this bout of depression that I'm in. I want - no, I need - to cleanse myself off you. I need you out of my mind. I need a vacation. So this weekend, I leave with some friends. I'm gonna be happy, I'm gonna have fun.. for at least 3 days. That's all I ask for. Can I just have 3 days of peace?

And after that, you can plague me all you want. All I ask for is 3 days.

Please Don't Get The Wrong Idea

2006-02-13T00:24:00.000+13:00

Something happened to me today.. It may be a little thing, but it feels kinda major to me. I... kena makan tofu. Doesn't make sense? Erm, think in Mandarin? Don't know Mandarin? Ask Shing Yee, she knows what happened (that thing I told you online).

Okay... basically, someone got too close to me for comfort. I need personal space, ok?

I mean, didn't you see I was trying to move away from you? Under false pretences (coaching me in playing pool woh, kononnya), you tried to get me close to you. Great, congrats! You did it! But right now, I'm squirming, and I don't know how to face you the next time we meet. I should've slapped you, but I didn't want to make a scene. You are such an idiot!

Don't try to force me to like you, because even I don't know what I want... so what makes you think you know?

I should be mad at you, except that you're usually a nice guy, and I worry I'm overreacting.

I feel odd now. I don't feel like seeing you. Please don't get the wrong idea. And please don't simply meraba-raba, okay? I feel very geli now.

I don't want to hate you, you know. But if you keep insisting and pushing me, I will hate you. Or at the least, avoid you. I want to be friends, is that so hard?

Okay, so I don't know how I feel towards you, exactly. So yes... the feeling might change in the future. But at the moment, I really don't think of you that way. Not yet anyway. So give me some time, okay? Let me try and figure this out by myself.

Push me, and I will push you away.

Happy, Happy, Happy!

2006-02-10T20:47:00.000+13:00

Happy thoughts #1...

Summer school has already finished! Although feeling very happy that there's no more assignments (not till semester one anyway), I kinda miss going to classes and seeing my classmates. Hehe... and today's only the first day of holiday. I guess it's because the class was such a small class, as compared to the gigantic classes I usually go to last year. It's nice to go to a small class, and able to know everyone by name, and where the lecturer actually remembers you. It's intimate, that's what it is. Ever since leaving M'sia, the classes I've been to have always been so... alienating. The thing is, you don't get the same batch of people in every class... and this is high school I'm talking about. University's even worse, with its large classrooms. And so, you don't really get to know everyone. In fact, sometimes, you know absolutely no one from a class. I miss the way in M'sia, where at least, you know everyone by their name. Over here, every time you enter a classroom, you see total strangers. It's very unsettling.

But hey.. semester one starts soon, and I know for sure I share 2 classes with Joey.. so no worries there! Happy!

On to other happy thoughts..

Regarding my last post about Y, I think I really have nothing to worry about now that I actually think clearly about it. I totally overreacted. It's nothing major (ha! I just wrote 'mojo' instead of 'major'), really. I guess I'm not used to being the one 'liked'. I'm more used to seeing other people 'liking' each other. I should feel flattered, I suppose, although I have a nagging feeling Y has bad taste in girls. Hehe. Our group's being dominated by guys, that's why. There's only 3 girls but 6 guys in our group.. and one girl is already taken. Not much choice left, is there? Plus, I have a feeling that if Y did know that I know.. he'll probably shrug his shoulders and say, "Ah well." (actually, that's what he always say) He's very nonchalant about things.

So now, I don't have to stress about the 'friends, not friends?' thing... Happy, happy!

And lastly, another happy thought...

I'm gonna go to the lantern fest tomorrow.. There's gonna be lots of lanterns (obviously! it is the lantern fest, after all), food, crafts, performances, and fireworks. There's always fireworks. It should be fun! Happy, happy, happy!

I Despise Prank Callers

2006-02-07T22:23:00.000+13:00

Honestly, I do. Even more so when the prank callers are my friends.

Just a short while ago, I got a call. The caller on the other end asked if I, Irene Yap, lost my credit card. I said no, but the person asked if I was sure. I thought it was odd. The guy mentioned something about Playboy, and I immediately suspected a prank call. He also mentioned a friend with me or something. But I thought, nah, it might be something. Just in case, you know? So I checked, just in case, and sure, my credit card was tucked safely into my wallet. I said I have my card, but the guy said that he called up the bank, and maybe my friend took my card. My friend Colin Lam. That's when it hit me. It was definitely a prank call. I hardly see Colin, and actually, I don't even know Colin's surname. Also, I don't put my name Irene on my bank statement or on my card, so there was no way this person could know my name is Irene. Plus, I would never ever give a credit card to someone else. I recognised the voice to be Mashi's. So, I said, in my best vile voice, "You know what? I don't even put my name Irene on my card!" Then I hung up.

To be absolutely honest, my first reaction was to swear my head off. But my parents were around, and I didn't want to swear in front of them. In fact, I really hardly swear. I can bring myself to write the words more than to say the words.

Then, the phone rang again. This time, I let Dad pick up the call. It was John, who was probably with Mashi, since they hang out almost every day. I took the receiver, and turned the phone off. Ha, boy did I feel proud of myself! Sure, with a hands-free digital phone, hanging up isn't as fun as the old-fashioned phone slamming... but hey, I'm content with what I have.

Later, I got a text (sms for you Malaysians) from Mashi saying sorry, and asking me to call John's house. (See, John was with Mashi! Hehe.. otherwise, poor guy would wonder why I hung up on him) I ignored it. Then, I got a call from John on my mobile phone. I ended the call, and turned off my phone. About 10 minutes later, I turned my phone back on. Then, I got a text from Jackie, who was asked by Mashi to say sorry to me. She also kena prank call by Mashi. I replied, "Please tell Mashi in your best polite voice, to go ~~fuck~~ himself." I had a very cruel sort of satisfaction when I typed that. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have typed it. Jackie may have been offended.. but hopefully, she understands I don't swear often, and the venom wasn't directed towards her.

Honestly, how old are these guys? I mean, Mashi's turning 21 soon. Shouldn't he be more mature? I can forgive-and-forget when it's young kids, since they're childish and don't know better. But adults? Argh. They're the worst! Why do people think it's funny? Prank calls are plain offensive, and sometimes, cruel. I absolutely hate and despise prank callers. Childish people! I simply can't tolerate them, even though they're my friends.

I know I said I wouldn't ever compromise myself for others, and this principle should apply for other people too. But damn it! Being so freaking childish? When I say don't compromise myself, I mean I don't go degrading myself and succumb to peer pressure. I don't mean, I should be selfish and childish because I don't want to compromise myself. Those simply are two different things!

So for now, I'm pissed at Mashi and John. Why John too, you ask? Because he permitted Mashi to make prank calls. Not prank call (as in singular), but prank calls (as in plural)! If I see either of these guys tomorrow, I'm ignoring them. They may call me a prude or whatever, but honestly, I DESPISE prank callers! I have never made a prank call in my life, and the first time I got a prank call, the caller spouted out a string of insults that were so offensive and vile to me, that I nearly ended up in tears.

We'll see. If I'm in a forgiving mood, I might talk to them at dinner. Maybe.

I Think I'm In Love...

2006-02-06T13:12:00.000+13:00

With Chinese songs!

Ha... what were you thinking? Me, in love with a fellow human being? Never! You should know me better by now. Haha, bet you're so disappointed.

Well, I'm not lying when I said I'm in love. It's just that I'm in love with Chinese songs, not a person. There seems to be an array of good Chinese songs lately. Maybe it's the new year, and people feel inspired to be creative?

Take Lee Hom for instance. His latest album, Heroes of the Earth a.k.a. Gai Shi Ying Xiong, continues his legacy of "chinked-out" music that made its first appearance in Shangri-la. I particularly love his Hua Tian Cuo - the way he blends traditional Chinese opera with the modern hip-hop is so exquisite, and the erhu... just beautiful. Zai Mei Bian is another song that blends the traditional and the modern, but with rap instead. I must applaud Lee Hom's skill in rapping over 200+ words within a minute. Not one of his best songs, which show his composition skills, but it definitely shows his talent, creativity and hard work. Although I have not heard all the songs on the Heroes album, I know that many fans all over the world have fallen in love in it, and new fans were discovered because of the album. I was looking forward to get the cd when I saw Jackie's copy, but was bitterly disappointed when I found out the cd was all sold out... in 2 shops! Oh well, I have other sources..

Another one is Eason Chan Yik Sun. Recently, I bought his U87 album although I have already downloaded some of the songs. After all, what better way to support the artistes than buying their work? I caught sight of his latest album, Zen Me Yang on the shelves, but wasn't sure if I would buy it. I have downloaded 2 songs from Zen Me Yang, and have yet to hear the others. However, I am convinced after previewing other songs to buy the album. In this album, he sings mainly in Mandarin, although his albums before now were in Cantonese. Some singers can't cross the language divide and simply messes up. Take Jeff Chang, for example. He's superb when singing in Mandarin, but when he sings in Cantonese, he just sounds average, and just not to his full potential. However, I'd say Eason Chan pretty much made a smooth transition. Bu Ran Ni Yao Wo Zen Me Yang is a song with a very catchy tune, Dui Bu Qi Xie Xie is a typical love song, yet it catches my heart, and Bu Neng Zai Deng Dai is another sad love song that tugs at your heartstrings even more so with Eason's heartfelt voice.

Andy Lau is another great singer, who keeps churning out wonderful songs even at his age. Lately, I've been enamoured with Yuan Lai Wo You Ai. Ever since I first heard of the song back in Malaysia, I couldn't forget it. After scouring everywhere, I managed to download the song. So beautiful. Andy Lau's voice is meant for this type of song - soft, but bittersweet, with a slight edge. His Tin Bei Gou is a very uplifting sort of song, the type you hear in one of those Hong Kong cops movies' soundtrack. But be warned, it's very addictive to listen to during exam period, when you need that certain something to keep you awake. However, last year, I couldn't get the song out of my head for quite a while. It's rather hard to concentrate on studying when you've got a very semangat song beating in your head. Haha..

Another singer I greatly admire is Leo Ku. I've always like his songs, ever since Wang Le Shi Jian De Zhong, which incidentally, seems to be out of the market. Boohoo~! I bought his New+Best album, which is so good that I put it up there in my "Best Albums" list with Lee Hom's Shangri-la. I mean, sometimes, some songs are really good in an album, but the others kinda ~~suck~~ lack a certain something. But with New+Best, and Shangri-la, I can honestly say I like most of the songs... about 80-90%? His Geng Gor Gam Kouk is honestly so good, you can't help liking it. He compiles different great songs from other artistes as well as from his own albums, and made it into one great song. Monica is not bad, although I think it was Leslie Cheung's song... Not sure. I use to like Oi Yu Seng, Bit Sat Gei and Dai Hong the best, but recently, I'm beginning to like Erm Hong and Sheong Zui Yan more and more. That's the thing with Leo Ku's album. You think you like certain songs, but then find out the others are better, and your appreciation just keeps growing and growing.

I can't believe I've only delved into the world of Chinese music only recently. I've been missing so much!

Upset... then Happy

2006-02-06T00:21:00.000+13:00

I hate it when my sis gets my mom angry... because I always get the receiving end of Mom's anger. When my sis and my mom get into a shouting match, my sis usually goes to her room and hide, ignoring my mom. My mom would then proceed to talk to herself, about how irresponsible/horrible/inconsiderate/selfish my sis is... then would soon say the same about me. She would then scold me and blame me... for what my sis did. How is that fair, I ask you? I usually keep it in, and listen as she scolds me for something I didn't do. Today was no different.

My sis had brought in the laundry, and it was all wet. My mom was mad because my sis didn't say anything, and the clothes would begin to smell. She started getting mad, and started scolding my sis (who was on the phone in her room). Then, soon enough, she started scolding me. Saying I was irresponsible, and that I treat her like a servant.. That I don't do any work around the house. I listened quietly while she continued blaming me. Then my mom went out to dry the wet laundry in the dryer in the garage. I went out to my dad who was in the garden, and told him that because of my sis, Mom's blaming me. Then I went back into the house and went into my room. My mom then yelled at me to take some stuff into my room, and I did. I went inside my room, and tried to read. Then I heard my mom knocked on my sis door, telling her she wanted to talk to her. Later, I heard them shouting at each other, again. I didn't feel like reading, so I lied on my bed, quietly crying to myself till I fell asleep.

An hour later, my mom knocked on my door, asking me about something. She didn't yell or scold me, and so I knew, the awkwardness had passed. But maybe it was because I slept, it seemed too sudden... this calmness after the storm. I went back to my room, and fell asleep again. Short while later, Dad knocked on my door. I opened, and he said, "Mom says she's sorry for blaming you... do you want some tea?"

Yes, this is what you would expect from a non-confrontational family. Two different things - one important, one not - in the same sentence. I came out of my room, no longer feeling odd or upset. Although Mom didn't apologise directly to me, at least she apologised. It wasn't something she'd do usually. In fact, it was the first time she apologised to me. I asked my dad, "So you talked to her?" I assumed it was because of that she realised she was wrongfully blaming me. But Dad said he didn't. In fact, he just acted like normal.

I was quite happy... not hyper-happy, or relieved-happy... but a sort of, how do you say, appreciative-happy.

To know that Mom apologised, without any hinting from Dad, was something of a pleasant surprise. Yes, it was an indirect apology, but it was an apology nonetheless. Like I said, we're a non-confrontational family. And so, I'm happy. Thank you, Mom.

It's Just The Little Things..

2006-02-04T18:03:00.000+13:00

Funny how small, trivial things can matter so much.

Take my sis' boyfriend, for example. He seems nice, polite and has a good job in a well-known company. But there's always something about him that makes me feel at unease. Just little things, like the way he says certain things, or the way he responds to something. It shouldn't matter, I know. But sometimes, he gives me a chill up my spine. Like I should watch out or something. I don't know why... But he feels so... dangerous and unsafe. I've never felt like that with my sis's previous boyfriends. And well, I trust my gut instinct, a lot. But the problem is, maybe the reason I'm feeling defensive is because I'm being protective of my sister. After all, my feelings could be prejudiced.

But the little things that matter aren't just the weird, creepy, scary stuff. There's also the nice, warm, sweet stuff.

It was last week, I think, that I went out with some friends. We were on our way home from bowling, and were walking towards our cars. There was a car parked nearby, with two guys in it. As I glanced at them, one of the guys caught my eye. I couldn't see his face, seeing as he was seated in the car, and it was dark. But we made eye contact. And I felt my heart go ba-bump. Just one mere second. And then I looked away and walked off. I don't know why my heart throbbed so suddenly for a stranger whose face I couldn't see. All I saw was his eyes. I guess it's because these days, people just don't look at each other anymore. They simply don't make eye contact, even with friends. They look at each other, but they don't see the person they're talking to. They just sort of glance past the person. You know what I mean?? Intimacy is such a rare thing nowadays.. It's so hard to connect with people.

I think I will always remember those eyes.

More Depressing News...

2006-02-02T22:22:00.000+13:00

Seems like I'll be feeling depressed for the next few days... Yesterday, I met up with Joey and the others for yum cha. I met an old classmate from high school, Alexis, who turns out to be Joey's brother's girlfriend! This city is so freaking small, I tell ya. To be honest, I wasn't all that close with Alexis. She was always a bit too friendly for my taste. It was getting a little crowded, you know? Well, after yesterday, I felt so guilty for thinking so meanly of her.

We were talking, and Alexis told me what was going on in school last year. No good news, it turns out. Many girls in school were high on drugs. Several girls in my class got pregnant, and a girl - whom I thought nice and sweet - had a seizure from taking too much drugs. A teacher was beaten up by her husband, and never returned to the school.

It was a shock, listening to Alexis recounting all this. Part of me was horrified. How could so many things happen in the period of one year? Another part of me was relieved that I left school early and escaped all that. And another part of me felt horribly guilty. Here I was, thinking mean thoughts about Alexis, who had to go through a year of that horror in school.

It started me thinking all sorts of thoughts. What if I had stayed? Would I be the same person? Would I go down the path so many of my schoolmates went? Would I attend uni? Would I be more appreciative of the university life I led now? Would things still be the same? Probably not. How could it be?

I just couldn't believe this was happening to people I actually know. You read about these things on the newspapers, hear about it from others... but you don't expect it to happen to you, or to people you know. You think it'll never happen to you, and you'll never feel the impact. That is when it hits the hardest.

I want to break down and cry... and cry for those who can't do it themselves. I hate this world sometimes. The diseases, pain and suffering it brings. It hurts so damn much! I know I have to remind myself that there are also miracles, happiness and love, but it's hard. It's so tempting to harden your heart, than try to keep the wounded heart open a bit longer.

My old classmates... where ever you are, whatever you do... I hope you are well. And me... I'll be depressed a bit longer, I think.

Chinese New Year Was...

2006-01-31T23:37:00.000+13:00

Uneventful, and oddly enough, slightly depressing.

On CNY's eve, my family and I went for a vegetarian banquet dinner with some friends. It was that night I found out my sister's going out with a guy - someone whom I didn't quite like, but had to accept for my sis's sake. I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I didn't like about him. Sometimes, you just dislike someone for no reason, you know? I wondered how long she's been together with him, but I didn't ask my sis. For some reason, I don't really want to know. Funnily enough, my parents knew that they were going out earlier than I did, and I had to ask my sis to confirm. I can't believe I'm that blur. Why am I that clueless when it comes to relationships? I never saw it coming. I honestly thought they were just friends! Stupid.

On CNY's day, I went out for a picnic dinner with Joey and gang at Cornwall Park. While sitting in the car with Simon, and while waiting for pizza with Joey, they grilled me about my story (Simon's words, not mine). Is there any guy you like? Anyone in our group? What about *****? What about ****? So annoying. Okay, I know you guys are a couple, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to date. It's not that important... at least not for me. Sure, I get jealous sometimes, looking at couples. But that's only because I feel out-of-place, not because I actually want a relationship. Getting into a relationship is definitely not a priority on my list. So stop grilling me! It's annoying, and rather depressing.

CNY just isn't fun without your favourite relatives around. I miss my grandma's cooking, my wonderful cousins, and generally, the CNY atmosphere in Malaysia. In fact, CNY this year was rather depressing. My mom and her friends tried to replicate the CNY atmosphere by playing CNY songs. However, I felt really depressed listening to it.. it felt too fake, too forced. I never felt so alone in the company of so many. I felt so antisocial. I didn't even want to go out. All I want to do is stay at home, and wallow in my misery.

I'm so glad CNY is over. I don't think I can take the fake "Happy Chinese New Year!"s, nor the ever-so-boring talks about what people did during CNY. Leave me alone for just a while. I'll recover soon.

Memoirs Of A Geisha

2006-01-26T18:33:00.000+13:00

Based on the internationally acclaimed novel by Arthur Golden, "Memoirs of a Geisha" is a sweeping romantic epic set in a mysterious and exotic world that still casts a potent spell today. The story begins in the years before WWII when a penniless Japanese child is torn from her family to work as a maid in a geisha house. Despite a treacherous rival who nearly breaks her spirit, the girl blossoms into the legendary geisha Sayuri (Ziyi Zhang). Beautiful and accomplished, Sayuri captivates the most powerful men of her day, but is haunted by her secret love for the one man who is out of her reach (Ken Watanabe). (http://www.nzcinema.co.nz/movies/1283.php)

On Tuesday evening, I went and watched Memoirs of A Geisha with a bunch of friends. Despite John, Mashi and Bernard being rather noisy little mice behind me, I enjoyed the movie. Being an adapted film, I was already prepared for a movie that was not up to par with the book. Let's face it... how many book-adapted films have you watched that are as good as the book? I can't think of one. Furthermore, my friend Hui Ying was quite against the movie, and as can be expected, she had read the book. (In fact, she lend me the book once. But I found the book hard to read...) However, I found the movie quite enjoyable, despite the rather anti-climatic ending.

Some people complained: "Why is the movie in English? Shouldn't it be in Japanese seeing as how it's set in Japan?"

The book was written in English by Arthur Golden. What were the director and scriptwriter going to use to base the movie's script on, were it not in English? Yes, by changing the language, the movie would seem more authentic. But the problem is, changing the language often poses a problem.. that is, taking away the essence of the story.

A major problem most people have with Memoirs is the fact that the main actresses are acted by Chinese actresses, instead of Japanese actresses.

I rather enjoy Zhang ZiYi's performance, and I found that she managed to pull off the Japanese accent quite well, although not perfectly. Although Gong Li's Chinese accent was heavy, it is undeniable that her acting far surpasses her ability to adapt a Japanese accent. I found myself wanting to hate Hatsumomo (Gong Li's character), yet empathising with her as well. Michelle Yeoh has a very standard non-accent accent, and it doesn't betray the fact that she's a Malaysian Chinese. Her role as Mameha made me admire her the way Sayuri (Zhang ZiYi) admires her. So what if the actresses aren't Japanese, and do not have Japanese accents? Their performance, not their background, should be more important in terms of evaluating the movie. Ken Watanabe, who most would remember as the noble Katsumoto from The Last Samurai, was perfect as the Chairman. Kind, compassionate, humorous, yet with a hint of sadness.

I was quite disappointed with the ending. I thought it was rather anti-climatic. Too much building up of tension, but with an unresolved ending. I think the movie might have been aiming for a dramatic ending, with its heavy statement, but they just didn't reach it quite right.

In the movie, I felt myself sympathising with Nobu-san (Koji Yakusho), whose feelings for Sayuri are unrequited. "Can't you see that I want you for myself?" I was silently laughing when 'Stottlemeyer' appeared... only Monk fans will understand. Hehe.

My favourite scene would be where the Chairman and Sayuri are standing under a cherry blossom tree, and as the flowers fall, Sayuri laughs. It is the only time I have seen Sayuri really laugh. Her laugh is reserved for the only man she loves, the Chairman, and with others, only a polite smile is offered. It is the only time I see Sayuri's guard down, when usually, she is always thinking of her next step, of what to do... all in order to be a successful geisha.

All in all, it is a beautiful and lush film. Not perfect, but enjoyable enough.

I'm So Gonna Complain

2006-01-23T11:24:00.000+13:00

I. Am. So. Pissed. Off. Today! ( I think I even said that as I entered class today. Several people turned to stare. Sorry!)

Today, the bus came early 10 minutes, and I was a few steps away from the bus stop. I was about to sigh with relief that I caught the bus, when the damn vehicle drove past me. Argh! I was so freaking angry. Did you not see me running towards the bus stop? Stupid bus driver.

Ok, so maybe the driver didn't see me. That's understandable. We all make mistakes, after all. But what I'm so mad about is the fact that the bus is hardly ever punctual. Sometimes it comes early, sometimes it comes late. Make up your freaking mind, damn it!

Okay, cool down, Suet Li. Breathe.

I wouldn't be angry if the bus came early than scheduled every day.. that way, I know what time to be at the bus stop. The problem is, it fluctuates between 10-15 minutes early, to 10-20 minutes late, to not showing up at all.

Usually, I make sure I reach the bus stop at least 15 minutes earlier than the bus was scheduled to arrive. However, this morning, I overslept. However, I was still in time to be at the bus stop 10 minutes before it's supposed to arrive. In fact, it was only 8.50am when the bus drove past me - the bus was supposed to come at 9am.

I think that's totally unfair. Seeing as how there's only a bus passing by the route I take every 30 minutes or at certain times, every 1 hour... shouldn't the bus service be punctual? I wouldn't mind if the next bus is a mere 15 minutes away.. but 30 minutes? Or worse still, 1 hour?

Luckily, there was another bus stop about 10 minutes' walk away. However, the bus I take don't pass by there. The buses that passes by at the other bus stop take a longer route and usually take a longer time to arrive. Fortunately, school hasn't start yet, and not many uni students are doing summer school... so the bus wasn't full, and therefore, I arrived just in time for class.

Still, I wouldn't be so pissed if the bus fare is cheap... but no, the fare is freaking expensive! In fact, within the last year, they even increased the fare twice! Not once, but twice! Honestly, how can they even have the audacity to increase the bus fare when: a) bus service is not punctual; b) there is no increase in bus services; c) the 'new' website is stinking lousy - the old one was much more informative and helpful; and d) the public supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes last year, despite the inconvenience caused. Seriously. I mean, so many people supported the bus drivers when they went on strikes, causing inconvenience everywhere. And instead of gratitude, we get bitten in the rear! Thank. Thanks a lot.

I am so gonna complain to Stagecoach - the bus company's name. All I'm asking for is punctual bus services. Luckily for other people, not all Stagecoach services are this lousy. The 113/115 bus route is gonna be mentioned and flamed in my complaint, that's for sure!

p/s: regarding yesterday's post.. I decided not to give up on the storyline... I've been wrecking my brain last night trying to recall my lost plan. So I have to add up bits here and there. I've invested too much to just give it all up.

Damn It! Argh...!

2006-01-23T00:58:00.000+13:00

I'm a messy person. I'll admit that. That clutter on my desk since last year? Still there. I've got books, stationery, papers and miscellaneous stuff strewn across everywhere in my room, and every time I need something, there's always a desperate search deep into the paper jungle that is my room. Usually I find the thing I'm looking for, 'cos I always have a feeling as to where I left that thing... i.e. somewhere around the lower shelves of my bookshelf, near the cds.. or whatever. The point is, the object gets found. But today... I failed.

I've been posting some stories on Fiction Alley since 2003. However, I hardly update, as I always take months just to write a chapter. At first, I update every 3 months or so.. but in mid-2004, I stopped. Went on a hiatus. Huge writer's block. Plus, I started my first year in uni in 2005. I was busy adapting to university life. Then, having received some comments asking about the stories, I wrote a few chapters during mid-2005. I wanted to continue, but I didn't. Today, I decided to continue writing for Fiction Alley again. However, there was a big problem. You see, I had a draft for one of my stories (I have 3 ongoing - crazy, eh?) done during late 2003. But I never did anything with it, as I decided that part of the story was way too soon to be published (online). So I kept it away. Now, I decided... it's time.

So I searched for it yesterday. But guess what? I couldn't find it! I thought I'd give it a rest, and try again later. Still nothing. I was beginning to worry. Surely I didn't throw it away, did I? I searched high and low today. Still nothing. Nada.

Oh man! I hope it's not gone forever. I had a plan on it... for my story's plot. With that gone.. I simply can't continue my story. I have a very bad memory, as you guys know, and I forget things very easily, even ideas for story plots. So when I come up with an idea, I have to jot it down. Otherwise, it's gone. Poof! Just like that. I can't remember what my plan for the plot even was! At all!

Argh! Feel like tearing my hair out. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!!

I. Need. That. Draft!

About Tests, Friends, and Deceiving Appearances

2006-01-22T15:36:00.000+13:00

I have a very dreaded oral test this coming Tuesday. So stressing out. I have to watch out for 'th' sounds, 'v' sounds, (beware: linguistics terms!) linking, assimilation, elision... Stress, stress, stress! Come Monday, Andrew and I are gonna practice for the test. Hopefully Andrew'll be able to help me with my 'th' sounds... which I find the hardest! Rar! *my version of roar*

Speaking of Andrew... I just realised that although we've known each other for only two-and-a-half weeks, we already have an inside joke. That's really quite surprising. Who'd knew we'd hit it off? *not in that sense la, idiots!* When I first met Andrew, he seemed really serious and quiet. If the lecturer didn't make us students sit in pairs, I wouldn't have even talked to him! Now, we're practically the most outspoken pair in the class. But then, in a class of Asians, what do you expect? We're a very shy and quiet bunch, we Asians... well, except for the loud-mouthed Malaysian, maybe. Heh.

First appearances... what was your (yes, you!) first image of me? Shing told me that I looked like a happy person. Man, Shing, you make me sound like I'm high on drugs. Sheesh! Then Shing said that it's because I was laughing all the time. Okay, now I'm a laughing idiot high on drugs?? Whee. Love that image. I think Chi Yee thought I was a girl who likes bullying boys... because I happened to be scolding a boy (I think! Correct me if I'm wrong, Chi Yee) the first time he saw me. Well, he's not very far off. I do like bullying boys, especially boys like Chi Yee. He's very bullied-able, you see. Shing agrees, don't ya?

This just makes me think about how appearances can be deceiving. Someone I once thought at first sight was demure, sweet, friendly turned out to be anything but. This type of occurance happened several times in my life, and you'd think I learnt my lesson, but no. It's hard not to judge someone by their looks. After all, I even judge books by their covers, selecting something new to read by looking for eye-catching cover designs. I do the same with people. Except rather than being disappointed, I get hurt.

Sometimes I felt insulted, the way their eyes see past me, because I'm not beautiful or smart or witty, like the rest of their friends. Sometimes I felt dejected, the way they demand me to change who I am, so I can conform to their expectations.

It took me a while, but I broke away from these so-called friends. I can't possibly stay with these destructive bunch, who break down my self-esteem and confidence. Friends encourage you, cheer you on, love you as you are. They don't make you change just because they deem you uncool, because your lifestyle is different from theirs. And so, I added a new principle into my life:

Principle #2: Don't ever compromise yourself for others.

And I'm gonna make damn sure that I'll follow this principle. I've had enough with people hurting me all they like. I'm not gonna stand for that anymore. Because you know what? You might think that you're desperate for some companionship, and you have no right to be choosy... but you're wrong. I say, be choosy. Because sooner or later, some people are gonna come and accept you the way you are, flaws and all. And I think those friends... are worth the wait.

Am I Being Paranoid?

2006-01-21T00:13:00.000+13:00

I've always wanted an older brother, although I've never told this to anyone before. My reason for wanting an older brother would seem rather silly, you see, so I was reluctant to tell this to anyone for fear of being laughed at. But years of growing up taught me one thing: don't be afraid to be laughed at, because hey, it's gonna happen sometime anyway. So, the reason for my wanting an older brother is that in books or movies or tv shows, older brothers are often very protective of their younger siblings, especially younger sisters. I wanted to have a sibling who was fiercely protective of me, because... well, to be honest, I don't feel that at all with my older sister. In fact, it's like the other way around.

I worry about my sister. A lot. The first time she went clubbing and came home late, I stayed up and waited for her to come back. The first time she went clubbing and didn't come home, I worried, despite knowing that she was crashing at a friend's house. The first time she went clubbing, got drunk and couldn't come home, I got angry at her recklessness, the way a parent would. Sometimes, when she wasn't home even though she said she would be, I messaged her, worried that something might have happened to her.

I told her to read an article about binge drinking, mentioned drink-driving, and warned her about party pills. I worry, worry, worry.

It's funny, isn't it? The way I worry about my older sister. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Once, her male friend messaged me in the middle of the night, telling me my sister got so drunk, she was sick. She couldn't drive home, so she was going to stay overnight at his place. And oh, "don't worry, I won't harm her". Let me tell you, I worried. How could I not? My sister was drunk, and in a man's home. I was so angry, I couldn't talk to her the next morning. Not that she noticed.

Am I just overreacting? After all, my sister is an adult. I should let her make her own choices. After all, my parents aren't worried. Should I, the youngest in the family, worry about her?

Lately, she's been hanging out with a guy she met for only about a month. Yet, judging by the way they acted, it was as if they had known each other for at least a year. It was incredulous; how could they act so friendly? Maybe it's me and my traditional mindset that friendship, especially close and intimate friendship, needed time to grow. One month wasn't enough for me. But I guess that's just me.

I asked my sis if he was just a friend, or more than that. She said he was just a friend, but they had lots to talk about. I wondered about his intentions. Did he feel the same way? Or does he want more...? Doesn't my sister realise that she might be leading him on, acting the way she does? Or is it, once again, just me being close-minded? And there's just one thing about this friend of my sis's that bugs me. Even though he seems like a nice guy, I don't like him. There just seems to be something... wrong about him. (Maybe it's the results of reading Hot Gimmick. Ack!)

Maybe I worry too much. But I can't help it. That's why I wanted an older brother, who worries about me... It's really tiring, worrying about other people. My sis, my parents, my friends, my relatives...

I need to learn to relax and try not to take things too seriously... but it is easier said than done.

Dinner and Karaoke

2006-01-19T15:03:00.000+13:00

Last night, I went out for dinner to meet up with Joey and the gang. We were supposed to meet up at a restaurant called Canton Cafe, but I got lost. Hehe. Luckily, I didn't wander very far from the place, so I got there fine, albeit a little late. I didn't know who exactly was going, but I had expected maybe 5 or 6 of us in total. So, in the restaurant, I was looking desperately for a table of 5... only to find Jackie waving to me from a huge table.

Jackie, Colin, Adrian and Simon were there, but Joey, the organiser, wasn't. She was coming straight from work, which was why she was late. There were 3 other guys at the table, including Bernard and John, whom I've met before. The other guy was called Mashi, I think. However, it wasn't till after dinner that I realized I actually met John before. Oops. Don't think he remembers me either, so we'll call it even. Heh. Anyway, when Joey came, I was sitting next to Simon. She sat down next to me, then asked to swap seats with me. I knew Joey likes Simon, but I thought, wouldn't it be obvious? I was about to think of an excuse for why we exchanged seats, when Joey leaned over and kissed Simon on the cheek! Oh. I didn't know they hooked up! Turns out they hooked up after the holidays last year! Wow.. so long ago, and I didn't know a thing. Everyone knew, though, except me. I felt a little embarassed and out of place. Bleh.

After dinner, we decided to go for karaoke. Jackie suggested KBox, but Mashi mentioned a place where it's quite cheap, so we decided to try it out. It was a Korean place called Champion Singing Rooms (I think!). It was a very quiet night. We were the only customers there. It was a Wednesday night, after all. Mashi was right... it was very cheap. It's supposed to be $60 for all 9 of us for 2 hours, but the guy gave us a discount... so it was $50. Cheap leh! They have Korean (duh!), Chinese, English and Japanese songs, but we only sang English songs yesterday night. Not everyone can read or know Chinese. I prefer Chinese songs, though.

I think I prefer KBox, although it's more expensive than Champion. In Champion, the rooms are very stuffy, and even having the two fans in the room didn't help. Colin was the first to complain it's hot, but I told him, "Hot? You?" That was because of all of us, Colin's the only one wearing three-quarter pants. But about 30 minutes in the room, and we were all sweating. It was like a freaking boiler room in there! We kept opening the door and buying drinks because it was so darn hot. Maybe that's how they get profits? At 10.30pm, we were prepared to go, but Mashi and Jackie wanted to stay for another 2 more hours! I declined, since I have class in the morning. Joey declined as well, as she has work. Some of the others have to go to work as well, but they start work late. I think Mashi wanted to stay 'cos he's the only one completely free... no work or school. How nice! I tumpang-ed with Joey and Simon, and reached home about 11pm. Simon asked me the way to my house, but I was kinda blur. What to do? It's really hard for me to remember the roads, 'kay? I know the bus route, and I know my way from certain places. But since we went to a different place from usual, I wasn't sure about the way home. Joey joked that she should dump me at some random place one day. Don't you dare, Joey!

So tired. In fact, I almost couldn't wake up this morning! Luckily, my sis woke me up. Heh. Okay, enough blabbering. Pictures!! There were some funny moments, where Mashi was serenading Simon (!) and the guys dancing... but I was laughing too hard to take pictures.

Joey, Simon, Mashi

John, Adrian and Bernard (can't see his face)

Joey, Jackie, Adrian and Colin (can't see his face either)

Bernard, John and Mashi

Jackie, Joey, Simon, Colin (looks like a kid la!)

Adrian (hehe!), Simon (looks like a gigolo la!), Colin

Adrian (idiot!), Bernard, Colin

Mashi and John

Wellington, Capital of New Zealand

2006-01-17T14:59:00.000+13:00

As per Shing Yee's request, I decided to post up more recent pictures, where it is evident, cuteness does not last. :( Anyway, since I have not mentioned my Wellington trip so far, I shall do so today. (Complete with pictures!)

My parents decided to drive to Wellington, so we could stop at several places on the way there. Knowing fully well I would forget the details by the time I come back from the trip, I took notes.

Day One: 18th December

We were supposed to leave the house at 9am, but we overslept, and left at around 10am instead.
A few hours later, we stopped for ice cream at a place got MacGregor's in Te Puna. It's actually a fruit stall, but they happened to sell ice cream as well. Their ice cream is quite unique, as they actually make their ice cream with their own fruit on the spot. What they do is they put vanilla ice cream and your choice of fruits into a machine. Then, they blend it into a fruit-flavored ice cream. It's very sweet, and you can still taste small chunks of fruit in it!

Around lunch time, we stopped at Tauranga to have fish and chips. We didn't get to choose the fish, and the amount was quite measley, considering the fact that it was quite expensive! Then, we went to The Cargo Shed, an art and craft market. There were quite a lot of interesting things, such as wood carvings, yarn spinning, pottery, etc. However, the most interesting craft I saw was encaustic art, which is wax painting. The lady selling the wax painting asked my sis and I if we have seen it before, and we said 'no', so she gave us a demonstration.

What you need is a low-heat iron, a sealed card, and coloured wax, which according to the lady, is beeswax. The lady melts a few of the coloured wax, and spread the molten wax onto the card. Using only the iron, the molten wax, and the tip of the iron, she created a beautiful picture within a minute. Amazing, really. My sis and I were offered a go at making a wax painting, but we declined. We knew that we needed skills and practice to even attempt a passable wax painting. Instead, we bought a 3"x5" wax painting each for NZD$3.

Then, we head on to Mt. Maunganui, where we would stay for the night. We checked in at the apartment, took a rest, and went out again (minus my sis, who didn't want to come along). Our plan was to go to Blokart Heaven for blokart sailing - a land-based sail sport, but the weather was bad, so they closed early. Instead of going back to the apartment, my parents and I decided to climb the Mount, the conical dormant volcano in Mt. Maunganui. It was around 5pm, but since it was early summer, it was quite bright and sunny. We walked on a track up to the summit of the Mount, stopping occasionally to take pictures, rest, and drink water. It took us about an hour to reach the summit. Along the way, we saw sheep grazing on the grass, breathtaking views, and athletic joggers running up the hill!

the Mountthe apartment we stayed in - the one behind the caron the way up the mountsheep!view from the topthe summit! yay!

When we returned to the apartment, we had instant noodle for dinner, as we were all too tired to go out. Then, my dad and I went to Hot Saltwater Pools at the bottom of the Mount, where we rented a private spa for NZD$12 for 30 minutes. The water was warmed to 39oC, but I felt that it was too hot. Since there wasn't any temperature control, we only stayed for around 20 minutes. It was very relaxing, though.

Day Two... to be continued.

Memory Lane 3

2006-01-16T17:06:00.000+13:00

Here's the third and last 'installment' of the 'Memory Lane' entries.. Instead of showing pictures of me again (I'm so vain!), here's my parents...

my mom and dad when they were dating
take a closer look at the beach. so dirty!my mom in her wedding dress! quite a pretty dress. i like the lace!my parents' wedding picture

Memory Lane 2

2006-01-16T16:43:00.000+13:00

"no touchy my drumstick!"my cousin Pei Ling again... cute, isn't she?me and a kid i met on a tour in Perth, Australiame during my 'shaved head' stage... long story..*confused* "what note is that?"
hard to believe i dared to sing publicly as a kid!at my aunt's sis's wedding..

i'm in the middle, with the bride.. wearing white as well!

see the 2 kids at the bottom?

my cousins Jie Shen and Pei Ling, whom you've seen earlier

my failed attempt at winking

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2006-01-16T16:05:00.000+13:00

warning: big post with pictures. might take a while to load.

I was looking at some family photo albums during the weekend. I was such a cute kid back then. Now, I'm like, 'blah'. I noticed that I changed a lot in appearance, while my sister basically looked the same, plus or minus geeky glasses. :P Even my dad couldn't recognised some of my photos. Can you believe it? Hmph!

Anyway, since my blog doesn't have much pictures anyway, I decided to post up some old pictures.

my older sister and me.. i had wild hair!

family portrait.. I think I got my hair from my mom :P

my aunt and my cousin Jie Shen, my mom and me

family portrait again... at some stream in Perak

"how do i get into this thing?"

"eh... i give up. zzzzz..."

sis: "let's go!"
me: "i... can't... move..."

my favourite cousin Pei Ling, me, sis

What I Love About You

2006-01-14T19:21:00.000+13:00

Note: As you probably know by now, I blog a lot about my friends and friendship. And today's no different, except it's not about my friends. Today's post is for my friends. You know who you are! (different paragraph = different person)

What I Love About You

Hello, my dear friends
Let me tell you what I love about you.

You're forgiving in a way I could never understand.
Your tolerance for others is something I admire. - Sharlene

You're kind and polite, inside and out.
You don't lie, and pretend to be someone you're not. - Lalitha

You're straightforward, not afraid to tell the brutal truth.
I'm never afraid to trust you as a friend. - King San

You're patient, understanding, and you're a good listener.
You never try to force me to do something I wouldn't want to do. - Chi Yee

You share my interests as well as disagree to them.
But yet you respect our differences, even embrace them. - Shing Yee

Your laughter is infectious, your voice even more.
We've lost contact, but now, we're friends once more. - Hui Ying

You're so friendly, sometimes overly so.
But you tolerate me, even when I don't. - Xu Ting

Thank you for being my friends, accepting me for who I am
This is what I love about all of you.

Blog Wars. Who Needs Them?

2006-01-13T23:19:00.000+13:00

I love my blog. I love other people's blogs. I love a lot of things about the blogosphere. But one thing I do not like is blog wars.

Everytime I see a hint of a blog war, I avoid it. As if life doesn't have enough drama already. Today, browsing around blogs, I saw yet another blog war. Oi. This time, I thought I actually take a look.

It's about Xia Xue and Xia Lan Xue. If you know who they are, good - I don't have to explain the situation, which has been going on for quite some time now, I think. If you don't, sorry la - I don't really know the situation well enough to explain. Heh.

Anyhoo, back to topic. Just looking at these posts makes my head hurt. Seriously. I mean, they are very lengthy, with all sorts of proof or whatever, assuring readers that their accounts are true. But the thing is, one of them must be wrong, isn't it? Or, maybe there was a misunderstanding. Who knows?

The worst thing is, the problem is not only between the respective bloggers themselves, but between other bloggers who support Xia Xue or Xia Lan Xue. So the blog war goes on and on and on and on. It is a never-ending phenomena.

Of course, this is not the only example of a blog war. There are many others out there, lurking, waiting to pounce on you and poison you with their words.

One thing I must say, I admire the patience these people have. I mean, writing so much about someone/something you hate must take a lot of energy out of you. Don't they ever feel tired? I know I am.

However, don't they realize how bad an image they are creating of the Asian blogosphere? Imagine some mat salleh, or gweilo, or ang moh (or whatever you call it) stumbling in the complex world that is the Asian blogosphere... only to find blog wars, blog wars, and more BLOG WARS!! It would seem as if the Asian blogosphere is full of childish idiots who can't learn to let go.

It is times like these that I am glad I'm not a famous blogger. I mean, sure, being famous has a lot of benefits... but there's disadvantages too. Loss of privacy, for example. I treasure my privacy way too much. If I had to choose between my current life and Xia Xue's life, I'd pick my boring, dull life. Like I said earlier, life is full of drama already, and I'm not keen on creating more for myself.

I don't have the energy, nor do I want to summon the energy, for time- and energy-consuming things like blog wars. My blog is about me, my likes, my dislikes, my feelings, and such. To spend time on others, especially people I don't know... I just can't be bothered.

And so, the blog wars will continue on and on... while people like me, who can't be bothered, go on with their lives.

Dramatic Girls Should Just Kill Themselves

2006-01-11T14:43:00.000+13:00

I was browsing BlogsMalaysia today, and saw a post with the title: Emo guys should just kill themselves by Hedonistics Anonymous. I thought it was one of those meant-to-be-humorous posts. Apparently not. Boy, that is one super bitchy, dramatic girl. What's her problem, I wonder?

Why is it not okay for guys to cry? Girls can cry whenever they want, but guys can't? That's a warped sense of logic. Okay, so it's a little lame to be crying over every small thing. Like, for example, if "The coffeeshop only serves Pepsi because they ran out of Coke" or "The steak is slightly overdone" (quoted from the post). But crying because of a failed relationship? I think that's justifiable. In the post, Hedonistics Anonymous quotes a conversation she had with a friend, whom just had a failed relationship.

Last night I had to send my friend home because his car was in the workshop. On the way back, he started rehashing details of his failed lovelife.
He: She said that if I ever come knocking on her door again, she'll let me in... because she knows that I'll be hers forever.
Me: Uh.. okay.
He: Can you believe it, I was so touched by her words. I actually cried when I got home.
Me: *starts rooting around in my handbag* Uh.. here, take this.
He: A TAMPON?!?!?!
Me: Yeah. You obviously need it more than I do, you stupid wuss.

Yeah, real mature, by the way. I'm surprised the guy's still friends with her. I'm surprised she even has any friends at all. But then, there's plenty of people like that in the world, so it's not that surprising after all, I guess.

Apparently, she thinks that girls have the right to be emotional while guys don't is because "guys don't have to deal with emo-inducing stuff like periods, pregancies, menopause etc". What, you mean, we girls only get emotional over things like that? We don't get emotional over love, loss, death, pain, etc.? Seriously, that's warped.

Okay, I get that she thinks some guys are overly-emotional for no reason at all. I agree they're pathetic. But just because some guys are emotional, that doesn't mean there's no justifiable reason. And the worse thing is, she thinks it's perfectly alright and not lame at all for girls to be emotional over every little thing, because... girls have to deal with things like periods, pregnancies, and menopause. Now, that's lame. It's girls like these who give the rest of us a bad name.

I can't believe BlogsMalaysia even approved this post. According to their News section,

It's not a very strict system, the voting one that we go through. If a recommended article gets 3 positive votes, it's good to go. If two editors decide that it's not good enough, then the post gets suspended. Which explains WHY some of your posts never appear here.
This also means that whatever goes on the main page, is a pretty good read. It's good shit. That's the point of blogsmalaysia, really. The focus is on good content, good reads, interesting stuff and things that might be get to a trend.

You mean, not even 2 editors think the post isn't good enough to be approved? And they say whatever posts accepted is "a pretty good read"? Hmph! Also what's "things that might be get to a trend"? Do they mean "things that might get to be a trend"? I know, typos are common and should be forgiven... except that there are a total of 11 editors on BlogsMalaysia, and not one of them noticed! Laughable. Yeah, it sure isn't a strict system, if one at all.

Stupid BlogsMalaysia. I can't even quit the damn thing.

//edit// turns out i misunderstood Hedonistics Anonymous' post. that's why the Internet is so darn unreliable - you think you know the true story, but in fact, you don't. her friend's failed relationship happened 3 years ago, apparently, so it's not unreasonable to act the way she did.

this is why i don't like to post about other bloggers, in case of misunderstandings such as this. i thought i understood her post perfectly well, when i was just blinded by my anger at one sentence. after i read that particular sentence, i continued the rest of the entry with prejudice.

i hate it when i'm wrong. bleh. //edit//

I Am Nobody

2006-01-11T13:40:00.000+13:00

You say you feel like a nobody, like you're invisible.
And then you shout: "Do you know what it feels like?"
I keep quiet, but yes, I do know what it feels like.
It's because I'm nobody, when you scream and shout,
When he escapes, when she slams the door.
I am nobody, even as I try to help,
By quietly listening to you when others don't.

It is me who fades quietly into the background,
Doing all the things no one wants to do.
It is me who stays when you explode with fury,
When the others escape and hide.
It is me who gets the blame
Regardless of whether or not I deserve it.
It is me, it is me, it is me.
I am the nobody, not you!

So don't tell me you feel like a nobody,
That I don't understand how that feels,
Because I do understand.
It is you who don't understand.
You act like you're the only one
Who ever felt invisible in this family
That all your efforts are unappreciated.

What about me?
You never asked me how I felt.
You never tried to understand.
You're the victim, I'm the oppressor.
But I am the one who stayed around,
The one who tried to keep this family together,
When all you do is scream and scream,
While I keep my anger boiling inside,
My tears deeper still.

You, who have the right to shout,
To get mad, to get indignant,
Know nothing about being a nobody,
Because you've never been me.
You've never experienced the lows I experienced,
The darkness I overcame.
You'll never be a nobody, never ever,
Because nobody is me, I am nobody.

An Interesting Story

2006-01-08T20:46:00.000+13:00

I was browsing through some blogs, when I came across this NZ blog, bizgirl. Natalie Biz, a librarian and the author of the blog, no longer updates her blog, but intends to publish a book based on her blog in the future. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to read the archives, as it seemed like one of those blogs with never-ending pages of archives. So, I scrolled down the sidebar, and stopped on an entry under the Good Starting Points category.

The entry's title was Artemis. I was compelled to click on the link, because Artemis was a name I always had a soft spot for. It reminded me of Artemis, the Greek moon goddess, as well as Artemis Fowl, the main character of the children's books series of the same name. It turned out that Natalie Biz was referring to Artemis Fowl.

The post entails of an encounter with an intelligent nine-year-old boy at the library Natalie worked at. Clever and confident, he reminded her of Artemis Fowl. I was intrigued by the possibility of a real Artemis Fowl out there, so I read the entry in a flash, only to find out there was more. There are a total of 12 posts that are about the boy, whom Natalie nicknames 'Artemis'. Most of them are detailed posts about him, while a few others mention him vaguely.

It was a very interesting story. At first, I suspected that the Artemis entries were fictional, as I highly doubted a nine-year-old boy would really be that smart and scheming. Later, as I read on, I realized that the entries were based on true events, but were altered slightly. For one, Artemis was not nine. He was a student, probably sixteen or seventeen, as he was in senior high. The truth was revealed in a post separate from the 'Artemis' 12-post story. An excerpt from the entry:

"I can't believe you made me nine years old."
"Well, it seemed funnier that way."
"And the stuff about my dad. And the bomb, and ... "
"Yes," I interrupted, "I know. I got a bit carried away there. Sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," said Artemis, "it was just very ... well, surprising is the only word for it, really. Once I saw what you were doing, and the fact that no-one would be able to pick that Artemis was me, well, it was quite a good read. "
"Quite good?"
"Yes, quite good."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
"You're sure?"
"What? Oh, ah, I see. Of course, no, feel free to mention it."
"Thanks."

The chemistry between Natalie and Artemis is evident. This is the type of friendship you yearn to get, but is rare to find in real life. It is such an interesting story that I thought I should share the pleasure of reading it. I think this story would make a good book. The beginning, the middle, the end... It was such a great read! Who knows? Maybe some day in the future, a new book about a boy named Artemis is published by newly acclaimed author Natalie Biz...

(Story) Untitled

2006-01-08T03:35:00.000+13:00

Okay, I have two stories to post up today. Well, technically, it's one story but with two different versions... But who cares?

Anyway, it's based on the story I did about protest, abortion, pro-choice, etc... The story was crappy. So, instead, I decided to write a new story. Which doesn't talk about protest, abortion or pro-choice, etc.

For some reason, I couldn't decide what type of ending I really want for my story... so I had two different versions with alternate endings. Not much changes, to be honest. I just changed the last two paragraphs, that's all. So if you're lazy to re-read the whole thing for the second version, just scroll down and read the last two paragraphs.

Anyway, comments please! Whether it be criticism or flames or praise, I welcome it with open arms. I really need the feedback, guys, so I can improve. Enjoy!

By the way, I couldn't think of a suitable title for the stories. I thought of "Reunion", but it seemed to give away part of the story through the title. If you think of any, let me know!

Version One:

She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.

"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."

My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.

*
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie*, is this what you're gonna wear?"

Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."

I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.
"Eh?"

Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.

*
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"

"Jenny, I - I have no choice."

"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."

"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."

I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.

*
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.

*
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.

*
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.

"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"

"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"

"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"

"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"

"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."

"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"

"One that loves his family!"

"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"

There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.

*
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.

My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.

*
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.

"Mum is ready to see you, Aunt Mei."

I did not believe him at first. I had not been in contact with my sister for more than two decades. I searched for her for many years, yet was unable to find her. Now that the opportunity has arrived, I was so shocked I could not respond.

"Aunt Mei? Hello?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm here, Brian. I'm ready to see her too. I've been ready for twenty-two years."

*
We arranged to meet at a cafe. I had hoped to visit my sister in her home, but Brian was reluctant when I mentioned it. And so, I waited patiently for my sister to arrive. I have never felt more excited.

I had been waiting for almost an hour, worrying and panicking silently, when a hand patted me on my shoulder. I turned around.

"Sorry for being late, Mei."

I could not hold back the tears. In front of me was a middle-aged woman, but all I saw was the eighteen-year-old girl who left home more than twenty years ago. My sister, my beloved sister, was back.

Note: * Jie, or rather, the full word, Jie jie, is a Chinese term meaning "older sister".

Version Two:

She was sixteen when she became pregnant. She came home crying to our parents, begging for help and forgiveness. Father stiffened, his expressionless face telling it all. Mother gave a shrill cry, slapping my sister across the face. The humiliation, the humiliation! No one bothered to ask my sister how she felt.

"A wedding!" my mother promptly decided. "Before her belly shows."

My sister hung her head in shame, unable to say otherwise. It is a curse to be born a Chinese. We have no free will before our parents, and nothing else is as important to us as pride. Not even the welfare of our children.

*
"What a pretty dress!" I exclaimed, touching the white chiffon dress lightly, afraid that I might tear the flimsy material. "Jie, is this what you're gonna wear?"

Before my sister could answer, my mother snapped, "Don't be silly, Mei! This dress is too expensive! We can get a secondhand one."

I turned to look at my sister. She was looking down on an album of wedding dresses, turning the pages slowly. I clambered up the bench she sat on, trying to look at the pictures.

"Eh?"

Drops of water were splattered across the yellowing pages. I, too young to understand, thought they were water spots.

*
The night before the wedding day, my sister's friends stayed the night. After hanging up their bridesmaids' dresses, they locked the door and huddled around my sister. I sat down on the cool cement floor, watching the three girls curiously.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Lin?"

"Jenny, I - I have no choice."

"Yes, you do! You can cancel the wedding. It's not too late."

"I can't cancel. You know as well as I do, Sara."

I turned away. An unexplained embarrassment fell upon me as the three girls sobbed quietly in the night.

*
During the wedding dinner, my sister smiled and nodded at every single relative present, hiding her tears behind her makeup. The groom laughed and made jokes, acting as if their marriage was of a normal circumstance. Mother smiled at Father, happy that no one could see my sister's growing belly. Yet everyone knew the truth. Everyone knew that my sister had brought shame to the family. Throughout the dinner, they whispered about the pregnancy and my sister, the black sheep.

*
Marriage did not suit my new brother-in-law. He was impatient with the baby, insisting that it was my sister's job to look after their child. He went out everyday, claiming to be on a job hunt, yet was still jobless after four months. Although it was tradition that the bride was to live with the husband's family, Father decided to support my sister and husband by allowing them to stay in our house. My sister decided to take on a part-time job to help support the family. Sometimes, after work, she would complained to Mother about how tired she felt and how much she wished her husband would get a job soon. "You brought this on yourself," was my mother's cold reply.

*
They were shouting again. Even from inside my room, I could hear their argument clearly as my baby nephew cried for attention.

"You were supposed to get a job! It's been nearly a year!"

"I'm still looking! It's not my fault that employers are picky!"

"Oh really? How is it then that I got a job at McDonald's?"

"Bah! Who wants to work there? It's a lousy job with lousy pay!"

"Look who's picky! At least I have a salary! Why don't you stay at home instead? I can get a full-time job and you can look after Brian."

"Are you crazy? What type of a man would I be if I stayed at home?"

"One that loves his family!"

"Yeah? Well, I hate this family!"

There was a short silence, followed by the loud 'bang!' of a door being slammed. I opened my door slowly, peeking at my brother-in-law as he stormed out of the house. The tires of his car screeched painfully as he drove away. When I closed my door, I saw my parents staring at the door of my sister's room.

*
Our parents were relieved when the divorce became final. They finally accepted that marriage should not have been the solution to my sister's pregnancy. If only they realized sooner.

My sister was a wreck. Years of pent-up emotions led her to be a guarded person. She was unwilling to let anyone in, even our parents. She left our house, and took her son with her. We have not heard from her since.

*
A few days ago, I received a call. It was from Brian, my nephew, who was now twenty-four years old.

"Please come, Aunt Mei. It'll mean the world to me to meet you on that important day."

I listened quietly to the soft voice of this young man, who was a complete stranger, yet was a close relative.

"I hope you'll turn up. I know Mum would love to see you."

When he hung up, I collapsed onto the ground, holding tightly onto the cradle of the phone. Then, like water bursting out of a dam, tears flowed down my face.

*
I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I arrived at the church. I was nervous. For the first time in twenty-two years, I was going to see my sister. I checked my dress, making sure there was no dirt visible anywhere. I patted my hair anxiously as I entered the church.

"Aunt Mei!"

A tall, young man greeted me with a smile. I froze for a moment. Inside that young man, I caught a glimpse of my sister.

"I'm glad you made it. Mum would be so happy to know you came. Would you like to see her now?"

For a few seconds, I kept silent. To be truthful, I was not sure if I was ready to face my sister again after more than two decades. Yet the urge to see her straightaway burned within me. I nodded my head and followed Brian as he led me through the church.

There were many people around her, so I could not see her face. However, I knew she was there, right in front of me. It was as if she was calling out to me.

"Hullo, Jie. I missed you."

I smiled at her, and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Then, I turned and took a seat. The service was beginning. Throughout the service, I smiled at her. My eyes never left the open casket once.

What A Crazy World We Live In...

2006-01-06T17:40:00.000+13:00

I had the worst blueberry muffin ever this afternoon. I bought it from Pak n' Save, so I didn't have high expectations from it. It is a muffin, after all. How bad can it taste? Answer: VERY BAD!! It's a blueberry muffin, so naturally, I expected it to taste like a blueberry muffin. But no, it didn't even taste like a plain muffin. It tasted like fish. Fish! What a crazy world we live in, eh? Actually, I should admire whoever baked the muffin. However did he/she managed to make a BLUEBERRY muffin that taste like FISH? Hebat, hebat.

I just started summer school yesterday, doing a Practical Phonology paper. I was quite nervous, 'cos everyone tells me summer school is intense, since it's only five-and-a-half weeks. But so far, things have been nice and easy. Maybe because it's an ESOL paper? :P Students are so quiet in class, even when the lecturer's not around. I guess everyone's just shy. All the students are Asians, after all. Some Koreans, some Taiwanese, some Chinese, a Vietnamese, and a M'sian (me lo!). Quite a lot of them have Music degrees or Science degrees. Hmm. I would think most would be Art students, since the paper is an Arts paper.

I'm the only one whose first language is English in class! Boohoo. I feel like such a loser. Heh. However, there were a few whose English is quite good. Some can't speak English well, despite being in NZ for 10 years. Yesterday, our lecturer made us sit with someone else, so we can interview each other. Things like your name, where you're from, what degree you're doing, etc. It's quite good, 'cos that way, people get to interact. This guy I sat with, Andrew, reminds me a little of Chi Yee. (Sorry la, Chi Yee, maybe you're not that unique after all. :P) He's nice, he's funny, and he likes to assemble handphones.. Just like the way Chi Yee likes to dismantle stuff. Hehe. Luckily they don't look alike. Otherwise, I think I just might have found Chi Yee's long-lost twin!

Two Cheah Chi Yees. Now wouldn't that be nice?

What Is Your Perfect Major (And Oh, I Suck)

2006-01-04T17:16:00.000+13:00

I was doing this little quiz thingy, and I couldn't resist putting it up. I love the results. Yes, I'm procrastinating, but just a little bit. What do you mean, a little bit is still something? Shut up, you stupid voice in my head. I already know I suck... see the title of the post? Hmm? Anyway, the quiz: What Is Your Perfect Major? and my results:

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours!

English

83%

Sociology

75%

Linguistics

75%

Journalism

67%

Dance

58%

Psychology

58%

Art

50%

Engineering

50%

Mathematics

42%

Theater

42%

Anthropology

42%

Philosophy

42%

Biology

33%

Chemistry

25%

What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

I should be an English major! And I am! Sort of. I changed my Linguistics major into a double major with English. And look. Linguistics ain't that far behind in the results. 75%! Hehe. By the way, look at the percentage for philosophy - 42%. No wonder I suffered for my philosophy paper.

Ok, ok, I'm going now! I swear, I'm going offline straight after I publish this post! Honest!